Her world shrank as fear and sacrifice became the norm: no friends, no celebrations, just a silent endurance of pain and isolation. Childhood joys were paused indefinitely, her milestones marked not by happiness, but by the harsh reality of survival in a home gripped by unrelenting struggle.
I am the oldest in my family. I had two siblings. My sister died when she was 6 months old in a SIDS death. I was 5 at the time. When I was 6 they had my brother. From a young age my brother showed concerning behavior and over the years it only got worse.
He is very destructive and angry and has been in and out of our local children’s hospital for psych evals and behavioral assessments since he was 4 years old. He has never been formally diagnosed but he was medicated a few times to sedate him and try to curb his outbursts.
My life was on hold because of all of this. I was not allowed to have friends over, I was not allowed to attend birthday parties until I was old enough to walk there myself. Money was tight and it meant sacrificing a lot.
I was 9 when I last celebrated my birthday with my family and once I hit 9 there was nothing again until I was 13 and considered old enough to do something with my friends without adult supervision.
And even then I had to ask for no gifts because anything I had was broken by my brother. It was a nightmare.
My parents would often leave me in charge so they could get a break and then my life was hell. Once I was around 12 I was considered old enough to watch him while mom got groceries, even though I was not old enough to go hang with my friends.
By 14 it was hours at night. A few times even overnight. I was not prepared and our house was destroyed every time. And my parents would express disappointment in my handling of things.
The best period of time was when I was 16 and he was placed in residential treatment for a whole month. It was by far the best month of my life in years at that point. It was hard when he returned, no better than he was when he left.
It felt like my life had ended.
I moved out as soon as I could and I have distanced myself from my family. My parents have tried to keep in touch but I am bitter toward them for my childhood. And they are aware. They have made excuses for why they made certain decisions.
Now they need my help. My brother has gotten worse, they haven’t had any kind of a break in 7 months, they want me to babysit for a few hours or a night so they can get a break. I told them no.
They told me they need my help. That’s when I told them I would never help them again and they are on their own.
They told me I was being unfair. They asked me how I could do this to them.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) experienced a childhood defined by severe instability, parental neglect due to sibling caretaking, and the sacrifice of personal freedom and safety following a family tragedy. The core conflict is between the OP’s deeply ingrained need to protect themselves from further emotional harm and their parents’ current demand for their assistance due to the ongoing, unmanaged crisis with the brother.
Given the documented history of emotional and physical burden placed on the OP, is their refusal to provide any further care to their brother and parents justified as a necessary act of self-preservation, or are they acting unfairly by completely abandoning family members in extreme need?
Here’s how people reacted:
FWIW, it is hard to get a diagnosis sometimes. And people who “help” aren’t always helpful. I am really sorry that your childhood has been so hard. It isn’t your fault or your responsibility. However, I don’t think it is entirely your parents’ fault either. Did they handle things perfectly? No. But just as there is no training manual with kids, there really isn’t a training manual for parents of kids with severe MH problems. They fucked up in some ways, and some of the things I can see as being a consequence of having a kid with severe MH issues from basically birth. (Especially if they have no support system)
Figure out your boundaries and then be super strict with them. If in the US, join NAMI support groups for family members of mentally ill individuals. Or get counseling or both.
IDK. My heart goes out to you, your parents, and your brother.
I’m very sorry and sympathetic to what your parents endured with your brother but that does not justify them taking away your childhood so they could have rest. They have taken so much from you already; you now get to dictate not what is taken but what you want to give.
If you do not want to give right now, that is okay. That is healthy. It’s you knowing and living by your boundaries.
NTA. How could you do this to them? They’re the parents – how could they do this to *you*. I hope you’re taking very good care of yourself and finding joy in the world!
Stick to your boundaries.
“Needing A break” is not enough reason to leave a violent child alone with a twelve year old. How could they possibly expect you to manage your brother when even they clearly can’t? They also completely neglected your needs in favor of your brother, who clearly made your life hell.
I cannot stress enough that you are fully justified in refusing them any contact, much less any actual help. You’ve helped them enough, far more than you should have had to.
Also, as someone who worked in adolescent psych units for 25 years I can assure you that your brother has been diagnosed. Your parents might not like the diagnosis or want to discuss it, but I assure you it’s there.
Your parents can consider themselves lucky if you retain contact with them at all.
They should have been looking for permanent placement for him rather than using you for respite care. You were a child, and should not have been forced to parent a behaviorally challenged child. Not to mention you should have had a safe childhood, without constant fear of him and his outbursts. You were sacrificed to try to control him, and that was wrong and harmful to you.
Your parents parentified you, are neglecting your brother and should research whatever resources might be available for your brother’s care. Perhaps there is some respite care available, but you are not that.
You have already sacrificed enough, years and years worth of sacrifice.
How has he never been diagnosed? They need to stop trying to manage his symptoms and figure out what’s really going on!
There are respite programs for parents in their position. None of them involve roping another child of theirs into helping out.
Enjoy your freedom ❤️
YOUR BROTHER NEEDS TO BE IN A GROUO HOME OR SOME KIND OF OTHER FACILITY!!!!
I would reiterate to your parents that they better have plans in place to put him in a facility when they are too old to take care of him because you won’t do it.
He’s not your responsibility and they need to get him properly diagnosed for services and perhaps look into a group home situation for him.