Her truth was a fragile spark in the darkness—she longed for pleasure, for shared vulnerability, for a partner who would meet her halfway. Instead, she faced frustration and anger, realizing that love without effort could leave even the deepest bonds feeling hollow and cold.
When the topic of ‘what makes someone good in bed’ came up, my boyfriend asked me directly if I think he is good in bed, and I said no. He became angry, arguing that it is not his fault I cannot climax from penetrative intercourse (PIV) alone.
This is factually true, as I require clitoral stimulation, oral sex, or extended foreplay, activities he dislikes or refuses to prioritize.
I have politely informed him twice that I am unsatisfied and requested specific changes: initiating sex, showing more passion, and occasionally performing the acts that help me reach orgasm, like using toys.
He agrees he knows what to do to please me, but he does not make the effort because he claims he ‘doesn’t get anything out of it.’ I responded that this refusal to invest effort is the definition of being ‘bad in bed.’ He became angry, insisting it is my job to ‘make’ him do those things.
I countered that having to force a partner into intimacy is not sexy or enjoyable for me.
Overall, our relationship is good, and I appreciate his desire for intimacy, as my previous five-year relationship involved very infrequent sex. However, I do not believe infrequent sex alone makes a partner ‘good in bed.’ I invest heavily in my appearance and actively show enjoyment and initiate intimacy, yet he reciprocates none of that effort.
Given this imbalance, was I wrong to provide an honest answer?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is facing a significant conflict where their honest assessment of their sexual satisfaction clashed directly with their boyfriend’s expectation of praise, regardless of his lack of effort in addressing her specific needs. The core issue revolves around the boyfriend refusing to adapt his sexual behavior unless he directly benefits, placing the burden of initiating change solely on the OP.
If sexual compatibility requires mutual effort and fulfillment, was the OP justified in prioritizing her honest sexual needs over avoiding conflict, or should she have concealed her dissatisfaction to maintain superficial harmony in the relationship? Where does the responsibility lie for sexual effort and satisfaction in a partnership?
Here’s how people reacted:
>He agrees he knows how to please me, he just doesn’t make the effort because he doesn’t get anything out of it.
What the actual fuck? What he “gets out of it” is the amazing feeling of giving the person he loves sexual pleasure, and of being the *source* of that pleasure. Frankly, that’s the best part of sex. If I can get my partner off, my own orgasm is just the icing on the . . . cake. And if I get off without my partner getting off, the whole experience is just disappointing for me.
The fact that he views the idea of pleasuring you as a chore instead of way to experience joyful intimacy with you strikes me as super concerning.
>Obviously I’m very grateful that he’s wants to sleep with me at all
That is such a distressingly low bar that you’ve set for yourself.
I’m not generally one to be all, “Oh, relationship issues? Better break up!”, but seriously, it sounds like you might have some self esteem issues, and your boyfriend clearly cares more about himself than about you when it comes to sex. This is not a great combination.
NTA. What does this guy want, a participation trophy?
>Otherwise our relationship is good though, so of course I’d never tank it over this.
Think that through. You want to go 5, 10, 20 years without being satisfied by your partner? Only being able to orgasm whilst alone? Right now it doesn’t seem like a huge deal…but it *will* become one. And he has already outright told you that he has no interest in satisfying you…bc he gets nothing out of it.
You have a lazy lover who still wants to be praised as a good lover, despite doing nothing to sexually fulfill you. Might want to think this through long and hard bf dismissing bad, lazy sex and an apathetic partner who **doesn’t care enough to even try to satisfy you** as not a big deal.
E:words
>he just doesn’t make the effort because he doesn’t get anything out of it
Holy smokes this is one of the worst things a partner could say to you. I’m amazed you didn’t dump him right then and there.
>I’m very grateful that he’s wants to sleep with me at all
Girl, there is an army of guys out there that will bang you 24/7. You shouldn’t feel this way.
You’ve made your needs known, he has ignored them. This guy is trash.
edit: I missed the part where you said you would never dump him over this. I’m amazed. I can’t imagine that a man who would knowingly ignore your needs and only does things for you when he gets “something out of it” could *possibly* be a good partner in any other aspect of the relationship.
You need to dump him immediately as well.
>I put a ton of effort into my appearance/fitness, I show initiative and enjoyment in our sex life, I compliment him and make him feel sexy…he does none of those things. Otherwise our relationship is good though, so of course I’d never tank it over this.
This is worth dumping him over. You deserve someone who puts as much effort into the relationship as you have been. You deserve someone who wants you, makes you feel sexy, and wants to get you off. Your pleasure is important and it is not worth it to stay in a relationship where your partner knows what you want and refuses to do it because he gets nothing out of it. You are worth more than this.
He shouldn’t ask a question he is not willing to hear the answer to.
Also, he sounds like a very selfish lover. He knows how to get you off, but isn’t willing to?
> I’m very grateful that he’s wants to sleep with me at all
Girl, you’ve got to raise your standards. “Willing to sleep with me” is a very low bar. You can walk into any space with single men and find men who will sleep with you.
Sex is not just about your own pleasure. It is also about giving pleasure. If he doesn’t get that, he will always be a mediocre lover at best.
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*Edit:* Wow did this comment blow up! Thanks for the virtual precious metal fellow redditors.
Also:
>He’s angry because it’s not his fault I don’t get off
It definitely IS his fault. He refuses to do what you have communicated will work. That’s on him.
You are a fully formed human, not a fleshlight with a pulse.
Though, I would amend it to YTA to yourself if you stay with this jerk.
> it’s not his fault I don’t get off, which is true.
It’s not?
> he doesn’t like the things that do get me off (oral, kissing, foreplay).
do what now?
> He agrees he knows how to please me, he just doesn’t make the effort
hold on
> because he doesn’t get anything out of it.
bad in bed, and bad in relationships.
>Obviously I’m very grateful that he’s wants to sleep with me at all
You deserve awesome sex and to feel wanted. Him saying he’s not getting anything from making you feel good is pretty shitty.
Right.
>I can’t get off just from PIV sex, and he doesn’t like the things that do get me off (oral, kissing, foreplay).
Oh honey. It is his fault. He is bad in bed. Stop having sex with people who aren’t interested in you enjoying it.
PS; very much. NTA.
I promise you can do better than this guy.
I can’t even imagine how you end up in a relationship like that for more than a few weeks. And you kept your ex for 5 years with even less attraction. There’s a deeper issue involved that you should figure out.
NTA. In fact, that is a deal breaker.