Confronted by the unspoken biases of her coworkers, who comfortably rely on the efforts of the women in their lives, she courageously challenges the double standard that dismisses her efforts while excusing their own. Her quiet defiance is a poignant reminder of the resilience it takes to claim space and respect in an environment that hasn’t yet learned to value her on equal footing.
I am 22 and I’m one of very few women in my office at work. It’s me, one other engineer, and two ladies in HR and administration. There are about 50 older male coworkers with families.
We had a potluck style party, and I was assigned dessert. I bought cupcakes from Aldi the night before. When I brought them in, five male coworkers criticized me for not bringing something homemade.
I knew many of my coworkers have wives or daughters who cook for them daily, yet they were not criticized. I challenged them, asking how many of them cooked their own contribution. None raised their hands.
I then replied facetiously, “cool, well I’m single and unless one of you wants to buy me a mail order bride or some shit, don’t complain.” I meant to highlight my distaste for the entitlement they show regarding domestic labor, as I want no part of that life.
This caused drama, as HR heard I compared wives to mail order brides. I explained myself, but it ruffled some feathers.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) faced criticism from male coworkers for bringing store-bought cupcakes to a work potluck, an expectation that seemed unevenly applied given that many male colleagues relied on family members for their contributions. The OP reacted defensively by challenging the group’s participation and making an inflammatory comment, leading to workplace drama.
Was the OP justified in defending their contribution by pointing out the hypocrisy of their critics, or did their provocative response create unnecessary conflict that undermined their position? Does the pressure on women to provide ‘homemade’ effort in social settings justify a strong pushback, even if the method of pushback causes friction?
Here’s how people reacted:
I’m leaning towards Y-TA, but it depends a lot on your workplace environment. I’m female and work with mostly men. Where I work, events where people bring food to share are almost always homemade, but they are optional. For example, it would be weird at my workplace to sign up for a cookie swap and then bring in store bought cookies the day of the cookie swap – light teasing in this situation would be totally normal (regardless of the person’s gender). However, joking around in a lighthearted manner is normal in the subset of coworkers that I interact with on a regular basis (in my opinion, it would be inappropriate to tease a coworker that you don’t know all that well or if you know the person doesn’t like joking around in that fashion).
>But when I brought them in, a couple people started giving me some shit for not bringing something homemade.
Was most of the stuff at the potluck homemade? What exactly does “giving me some shit” mean here?
>I knew a lot of my coworkers have wives or even daughters who cook for them, like they’ll have lunch made every day
How do you know this? Do all your coworkers specifically mention their wife/daughter made their lunch on a regular basis?
>I was like “How many of y’all cooked your own stuff for this? Not your wife, not your daughters, you yourself got in the kitchen and did it? Come on, raise your hands. Anyone at this here table put any work into this themselves??” and none of them could.
How many people were in the room during this discussion? Were you shouting? If you were making a scene, then no one would actually answer your question or engage in a conversation with you, even if they did make the food. It’s also a pretty sexist thing to say, especially when you start making assumptions about your coworkers male children.
>I honestly don’t think it’s cool that they all act entitled to do fuck-all at home, and I would want no part in that life…
Do you really have that much insight into what the home life of your coworkers is like? I don’t see how you could possibly know what the division of labor is like in all your coworkers relationships. It honestly sounds like you have a really low opinion of both stay-at-home-moms and men.
As a fellow female engineer, I feel the pain of all the little sexist things that happen all the time that you can’t call out. One of my bosses didn’t like that another employee swore in meetings but instead of telling him not to swear because it’s against company policy, he would tell him not to swear with a young lady present, like I’m some blushing princess who’s never heard the word fuck before.
Unfortunately, even a totally reasonable defense would have been viewed negatively in this scenario and you went a little beyond the line, so I’m not surprised it went over very poorly. If you had stopped before the mail order bride thing you wouldn’t have been TA, but that pushed it over. I totally understand the temptation to lash out though. As long as everything smoothed over ok, I wouldn’t feel too bad about it.
I’ve seen quite a few offices like this for my clients. I’ve even seen it where the only woman in a small office was the VP, but she still was expected to organize the birthday parties, retirements, and bring in the baked goods. Really? It boggles my mind.
Nice response to the people who were judging you by your gender roles.
Female engineer here. I think it’s hilarious how you responded and I like the idea of these doofs getting a taste of a confident competent woman refusing to let their sexism skate by. BUT the unfortunate truth is, you gotta work with these people tomorrow.
Depending on how casual a rapport your office has, this response might have gone a little too far. If it is a real casual rough and tumble kind of place, your response was great. If it’s a little more stuffy, it might have been better to tone it down. Be a little extra nice for a couple of weeks. BUT do NOT feel bad for directly challenging, you are NTA on calling them out, just could be a little less crass about it.
It’s shitty that your co-workers expected to you cook or bake from scratch when they didn’t bother to do so themselves, but even if everyone else *had* hand-made every part of the thing they brought, they’d *still* be the assholes for giving you a hard time.
Second, no one should be expected to cook or make something from scratch. Store bought should always be welcome. But if that is so important to them, hold a competition for the best homemade dish and give out a prize. That will encourage participation.
1) Hate men
2) Hate women that live traditional roles and like it.
3) Hate family units.
4) can’t take a joke.
You can’t be treated like one of the guys if you don’t act like one of the guys. What makes you think just because they are married with wives that they don’t cook? My husband and I have been married 15 years. He makes dinner on the weekends and has made his own dish for potlucks before.
You may have hurt your argument with that comment, but you’re completely in the right. It’s some sexist bullshit to (even in jest) suggest you were required to make something from scratch just because you’re female.
I’ve always said I needed a housewife. Turns out I just needed a husband who would pull his weight.