In the midst of this chaos, a beacon of unwavering support emerges in the form of an older sister—more a mother than sibling, a guardian who raised him through years of absence and hardship. With open arms and a loving heart, she offers to adopt the child they cannot keep, intertwining their lives in a profound act of family, sacrifice, and hope.
My girlfriend and I are nineteen, and despite all the protection we use, she still somehow got pregnant.
My older sister (34) practically raised me. Our parents were absent most of her childhood and like, all of mine. Our older brother looked after us. Anyway, I literally call her mom, we’re that close.
She calls me her firstborn.
She’s got three legal sons, all adopted. They’re basically my younger brothers and I love them to death. So you know, naturally I called her when we found out about the pregnancy.
She calmed us down and explained our options. We knew we did not want to be parents, but my girlfriend said she didn’t really want an abortion but didn’t want another child to go into the system.
Anyway, scheduled an appointment to get the baby vamooshed, when my sister called again. She said she would adopt our baby if we really didn’t want to go through with the abortion. Yada yada, that was like three months ago.
A few friends started asking about names last week when we eventually told them, and we basically explained that we weren’t keeping the baby. A friend of ours Em (21) has been trying for a baby with her husband for like two years.
We knew, but didn’t think much of it. She contacted us asking what we were doing with the baby.
I explained that my older sister was going to adopt them. I guess she found my sister through my Instagram or something and angrily messaged us that she already has three kids and we should think about mothers who can’t have children and want one.
At this point we realised what the issue was and I explained that her children were adopted and she hasn’t had them as babies, and we want to keep baby in the family.
She didn’t reply but one of her and my girlfriends mutual friend messaged me asking if I’d reconsider. I told her no, this baby was going to my sister.
Em messaged me, again, and basically said it was so hard to find a white baby and practically begging to reconsider. I’m biracial, white passing. My sister is not. I got angry and told her I didn’t want some white girl stripping another child of their culture, sent her on her way.
It’s divided our friends. Some think that she was racist, and some think she’s just desperate for a baby. My sister says we can do what we want with the baby, but her home is always open.
I think the baby should still go to my sister, but my girlfriend was really affected by Ems words and is concerned that we could be giving a young woman what she desperately wants.
We have months to decide, but I’m torn. AITA?
Conclusion
The original poster and their girlfriend are facing significant emotional pressure regarding an unplanned pregnancy at age nineteen. The central conflict lies between honoring their initial decision to choose adoption for their baby into a trusted family environment (the sister) and dealing with the intense emotional pleas from an outside friend who desperately wants a child.
Given that the sister has already prepared for the adoption and the OP values keeping the child within the existing family structure, is the pressure from the friend—who emphasized the difficulty of finding a ‘white baby’—sufficient reason to overturn the established plan, or is the OP’s commitment to their sister and the principle of keeping the baby connected to their existing family the correct path?
Here’s how people reacted:
First of all, this decision is one that you and your girlfriend make. No one should be social media stalking anyone or sending angry messages over this. A child should not come into the world surrounded by pointless controversy.
Second, and this is more my personal opinion, your sister is well versed in child rearing. She’s clearly compassionate, having opened her home to children who did not have good homes. Even now, after all of the drama, your sister sounds like she refuses to bully you into giving her what she wants. The same cannot be said about your friend.
This is not a puppy. It’s not a PS5. It’s not an appliance to be sold over Facebook marketplace. This is a child. Do what YOU think is *BEST* and anyone who pressures you into making a decision that would benefit THEM, does *not* have the best interest of that child in mind.
Side note: as a biracial woman who grew up with only white family, I can understand your point of view on raising a child inside of culture. I used to intentionally seek out black friends (I grew up in a white neighborhood) just so I could go to their houses and be around their black parents and FEEL like I truly belonged.
One thing though, just make sure your sister actively wants the baby, and is not taking it on out of responsibility to you. she sounds incredible, but she may be doing it because she wants to take care of you, and you prefer to have the baby in the family. I’m sure she’ll be a great parent either way, but have an honest conversation with her to make sure it’s not going to be a burden.
Emily has proved she can’t really be trusted with your child. Her behaviour is overstepping at best, and unhinged and racist at worst. Would someone prone to such mood swings be able to take good care of a young child?
If for some reason you decide to go with adoption, please work with the appropriate organisations to find a good family for your child. There are many more stable (racially diverse) families who will love and long for and welcome any child you place for adoption.
–21-year-old friend, trying for a baby since 19: not the best situation, your sister is probably the best choice.
–Hunted down sister’s Instagram, demanded baby out of the blue eve6nthough you had already made a decision: hard no, definitely doesn’t think about things clearly.
–“It’s so hard to find a white baby!” ABSOLUTELY NOT. Everyone has hashed out how godawful and racist that is, so I’ll just add this: What if the baby inherits a recessive gene on your side, and comes out a shade too dark? Is she going to just shrug her shoulders and ditch all of you at the hospital?
On top of that, she clearly has no respect for your partner’s/your boundaries and wishes. I get the feeling that if you want any sort of open adoption, she will actively fight your right to see your kid.
You know and trust your sister, stick with her!
I feel more inclined to trust the baby to your sister then the friend, especially after the comment she made. It wouldn’t surprise me that if you give the baby to your friend she may try to pass it off as her own blood related baby which could cause an unnecessary situation for the child in the future if they ever ask for a birth certificate. It seems like the friend wants a perfect little household with a child and is pressuring you to give it to her.
Your sister is far more respectful of you and isn’t demanding the baby and respects your decision but won’t be annoyed looking after it. I think you are making a good decision OP.
Your sister has a long track record of raising kids in a loving, stable home. She is clearly a better choice here.
The fact that Em had the audacity to reach out to your sister on social media proves that she is unstable, entitled, immature, and quite frankly not displaying the qualities anyone expects in a good mother. She’s practically a child herself; “wanting” a baby isn’t enough of a reason for her to demand or receive one.
Em is for this
>Em messaged me, again, and basically said it was so hard to find a white baby and practically begging to reconsider. I’m biracial, white passing. My sister is not.
You and your GF should do what’s best for the baby. No pity or guilt. What is objectively best for the child.
I personally think that if your sister is as great as she sounds, it’ll be best for the child and for you and your GF if you decide to be a part of the child’s life in the future with her approval.
This is entirely your decision as the biological parents. Em’s circumstances don’t even come into it, if the baby has a home with your sister, and she and you and your partner are happy with that, then Em should have the decency to leave well enough alone. No matter how badly she wanst to be a mother, she’s displaying entirely unacceptable behaviour and not proving to be a great example of a person who should be given the responsibility of raising a child.
You know what a great mother your sister is and you feel comfortable with her adopting your child. Stick to your gut feelings, let your sister adopt the baby.
NTA
Your friend is incredibly entitled/desperate. You told her that you’re giving the baby to your sister to adopt… and she decides to harasses your sister?
I’m sorry she’s having fertility issues. But her desperation makes me feel like the baby is to cover up any relationship issues she has with her husband.
Anyway, do this baby a favor and find a mature, older-than-21, married couple who are stable and unrelated to you to adopt. I was adopted at birth and because of that, I have a good life. You can go through an agency, not through Instagram message bid-wars.