When she finally dared to embrace a new relationship, hope blossomed with a man who showed genuine care and acceptance, willing to become part of their unconventional family. Yet, even in moments of happiness, the fear of judgment and misunderstanding lingered, reminding her how fragile trust and connection can be when living with invisible challenges.
I (24F) am a single mum of an 8 year old. I was in a bad relationship as a teen, which led to me being pregnant. I haven’t exactly dated since, maybe been out on a few dates.
My daughter has a condition called ARFID. It means she has a very restricted diet, and it is very much connected to her ASD. I don’t force her to eat certain things that are her “unsafe foods.”
Since her diagnosis, I’ve been quite sure I might have it too, but I cook for us both and am self sufficient, so it doesn’t bother me day to day enough to think about it.
Anyway, about a month ago I went on a date, to which we went out to dinner, and it was amazing. He was so open to meeting my daughter in the future and being a family man. I only do serious relationships, so yes this is stuff that was discussed on the first date lol.
The second date was a week ago. I went over to his place (not for anything weird, just to watch a movie.) He then made dinner. Don’t get me wrong, it looked amazing, but I felt awful telling him I actually couldn’t eat it.
Usually if something is an unsafe food for me (such as melted cheese, vinegar) I’ll still choke it down to be polite, and just vomit and cry later. But he had put my one hard no in there.
Mayo. I hate it, but more importantly I’m actually just allergic to eggs. Pretty severely. He knew this, as I told him on the first date.
Once he gave me the food, I apologised so much, but I couldn’t eat it. He replied with, “Once we get you past this mayo thing -my daughter’s name- can get over her crap too.” I was pretty mad about that comment, and snapped back that i’m not eating his gross food and to not talk about my daughter like that.
He apologised instantly, saying that’s not what he meant and that it was a stupidly rude joke. I said I was sorry for calling his food gross, it actually looked really good. We ordered some Maccas and I went home soon after.
He seemed okay.
About an hour later, I texted him that I had a lot of fun and sorry about the situation. He said “It’s fine, just didn’t have to be such a dick about it.” I was confused, we went home happy.
I apologised some more, and he brought back up me saying it was gross and refusing to eat it. He was completely ignoring the allergy part of it and saying “You really need to get over this, Cass.
It’s childish and it’s not the way you raise a kid.” things like that. I know being picky is annoying, but I don’t feel like I did anything too wrong.
Am I the asshole?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) experienced a significant conflict on a second date after refusing to eat a meal prepared by her date because it contained a severe allergen (mayonnaise/eggs). While the OP apologized for her reaction, the date focused on her refusal as ‘childish’ and compared it unfavorably to her daughter’s diagnosed dietary restrictions (ARFID), ignoring the critical allergy component.
Does the OP hold responsibility for reacting strongly when her date dismissed a serious, communicated allergy and instead used her daughter’s condition to criticize her refusal to eat, or was the date justified in viewing her refusal and subsequent remarks as overly dramatic and immature?
Here’s how people reacted:
Even if you “just don’t like” mayo, and it weren’t an ARFID or an ACTUAL ALLERGY of yours (of which he was fully aware), you are under no obligation to eat it. Him feeling comfortable enough to insult you/your child/your parenting skills/etc on a SECOND date… nope nope nope nope nope.
You’ve been doing an excellent job with you child, with whatever resources you’ve had. Don’t let some schmuck make you second guess yourself. He would have done his best to undermine you and your abilities/autonomy until you wouldn’t recognize yourself. Be VERY CAREFUL who you allow to be introduced to your child.
It takes a truly special man to jump into a family with both feet; a special man to uplift you and make you feel stronger and smarter and better. I was incredibly fortunate to have found mine. Prior to him, I was a single mom for 10 years, and had more than one date go sideways. Thankfully, dating isn’t marrying, so leaving a crappy man/child who wants to tell me how to raise my child, when they’ve not even met, was fairly easy.
If you can purchase it, The Gift of Fear be Gavin DeBecker is amazing. It was a very helpful read for reexamining the flags as an autistic woman (level 1, high masking). I honestly didn’t know “normal” so people (sometimes bad people) would *tell me what was normal* and then laugh like fools while I stood there in trouble. Having a literal list in black and white helped SOOOOOOOO much. Good luck!
Allergy or not, he should respect your preferences and boundaries. Your daughter is not being picky, she’s autistic. My nephew is the same. Eats like.. 5 foods lol. That being said, he’s commenting on how to raise a child. Does he even have any?! It’s way to early for him to be telling you what to do and especially regarding your child.
It sounds like he’s ready to be serious and all that because he’s looking for a trad wife. He wants to be in charge, tell you and the kid what to do, etc. all under the guise of being the man of the house and family. This is a giant red flag. Ask him his opinion of Andrew Tate and he’ll give you your answer 😂😂 seriously though, I’m sorry about how the date turned out. Better he lets you know early than finding out when you’ve moved in together or something
– He doesn’t believe allergies are real.
– He doesn’t believe severe and debilitating eating disorders like ARFID are real, and he thinks it’s something you just have to “toughen up” and “get over.”
– After he tried to parent YOU into eating food you had explicitly told him you are *allergic* to, he then tried to tell you how to parent YOUR child on your SECOND date! Sit the fuck down, sir!
– His “parenting advice” essentially boils down to: torture and starve your child until she conforms to his version of “normal.”
This guy is just a pile of red flags in a trench coat. Stop apologizing and block his ass immediately. He is NOT a safe person for you and especially not your child.
Not only is mayo a hard no in my book, but you are also allergic to it. You can’t just “get over” an allergy.
He is showing some red flags, and your account of the evening almost makes it seem like he doesn’t believe ARFID or potentially even ASD are real. I doubt he will change his attitude, and will likely never understand you or your daughter.
Even if you weren’t allergic, his disregard for your food restrictions is a red flag.
And to bring it up after you’ve talked it out is way more childish than you not eating certain things. If I were you I would just move on. There is someone out there for you that is a much better fit.
He is absolutely an asshole because he’s already showing you that he will be inflexible and have a bad attitude about understanding your daughters (and your) issue. It’s a huge red flag because it shows his attitude toward children.
You are NTA
You went on one date, and he doesn’t care about your consent. Ghost him. NTA
Things puke only get worse from there. You don’t have the time, nor the obligation to help him learn how to be the person he needs to be.
Jfc… Imagine how awful he’d be once he got comfortable around you!
Nta, please don’t see him again.
He tried to give you an allergic reaction and just told you to get over it.
Nta