When Finn bravely came out as bisexual, it wasn’t just a revelation of his identity—it was a pivotal moment that challenged the family to confront their prejudices and fears. In a home where debates had already sparked conflict, this truth demanded more than tolerance; it called for empathy, love, and the courage to embrace the beautiful complexity of who Finn truly is.
My son ‘Finn’ (18) is from a previous relationship. Since early childhood I had full custody; his mother is not in the picture. We were both young when he was born, so his childhood was a little unstable for a bit.
However, I have my life together now. I got married when he was 7, and together me (m37) and my wife ‘Mary’ (f40) live as a blended family, with my two stepsons ‘Cody’ (16) and ‘Lucas’ (18).
Yet, I have noticed some issues. Finn is a very sensitive kid, and Cody and Lucas are nothing like this. So, altogether, they tend to get along for a bit, like most kids do, and then have fights.
It’s always Cody and Lucas vs Finn, which is a bit upsetting, but again – kids fight. Everyone gets disciplined and these fights were pretty normal stuff, arguing about games, tv, etc.
However, recently, I have noticed them get a little political. The boys tend to disagree about topics like these, so I’ve banned it at the dinner table.
Finn then came out to us as bisexual this year. My wife is Christian; so are the boys. I’ve always been unlabelled, open to it, but not entirely into organised religion. Due to this my wife used unfortunate phrasing, like calling him confused and saying that he was too young to know for sure.
I told her at the time to respect how he identifies. My logic is – so what if it changes? You need to support your kids regardless. So, that was that dropped. The boys seemed confused by it, but they didn’t say anything in front of me after that.
Overall, I thought it went well. All the worrying behaviour Finn displayed – staying out late, being withdrawn, etc. seemed to fade away for a good week, like a weight had been lifted.
Then it started up again and came to a head on New Year’s. My wife traditionally cooks a big dinner for New Years, we have a few family members over, and we all say things that we are thankful to God for, and how we’re going to improve ourselves.
She was giving her speech, which was all about how family was the most important thing in life and how we should be grateful to each other, to which Finn gets visibly upset to the point of tears.
He stands up and says that that was ironic, considering the things they say to him. I asked what he meant, and it all came out that the boys had started making gay jokes frequently and that my wife, separate to that, had started scaring him by showing him worrying statistics about LGBT youth/bisexual men.
I was stunned and disturbed when this came to light. Finn was crying and left the room after exposing all the things they’d been saying without my knowledge. I left the party to comfort him while my wife continued hosting.
So, my wife thinks he’s humiliated her in front of the family, ruined the night, and overreacted to things and thinks he should apologise to her, the boys and the family. I, however, have refused and this has caused a big argument between us.
Am I the asshole for refusing to make him say sorry? I think my wife owes him one.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is facing a significant conflict between supporting their bisexual son, Finn, and managing the reactions of their wife and stepsons, who have engaged in hurtful behavior following Finn’s coming out. The central conflict lies in the OP’s refusal to force Finn to apologize for exposing the negative actions of the wife and stepsons, actions which the wife views as an embarrassment that ruined a family event.
Was the OP correct in refusing to make their son apologize for revealing the hurtful behavior and emotional distress caused by his wife and stepsons, or should the OP prioritize maintaining family unity and supporting the wife’s feeling of public humiliation? The core debate is whether validating the victim’s pain outweighs the perceived offense to the perpetrator in a private family setting.
Here’s how people reacted:
> However, recently, I have noticed them get a little political. The boys tend to disagree about topics like these, **so I’ve banned it** at the dinner table.
“My kid had opinions others didn’t like, so now he doesn’t get to voice them.”
I know that’s not what you meant, but it feels like that’s the end result.
> Finn then came out to us as bisexual this year. My wife is Christian; so are the boys. I’ve always been unlabelled, open to it, but not entirely into organised religion. Due to this my wife used unfortunate phrasing, **like calling him confused**
Your wife’s phrasing isn’t “unfortunate”. She knows exactly what she’s doing.
> So, my wife thinks he’s humiliated her in front of the family
Yes, bigots trample over others and then paint themselves as the victim when called out.
Sorry, you’ve married a bigot and your son isn’t safe.
You’ve believed him and stood up for him but I would he willing to end the marriage to keep my child safe and alive. If your wife is humiliated it’s because either her behaviour came to light, and it made her look bad or worse, she is a bigot who thinks having a bi child is a shameful thing to her family and you have to question that. Does she have any decent values at all who wants their child in the closet to save face.
Edit: You’re the least to blame here, so to the question of whether you should \*make\* your son apologize: NTA, but he really should if and when your wife apologizes.
And I think you need to have some serious conversations about the Christian way to treat other people – without condemnation and with love. If she and her sons continue this way, this is not the right conditions for him to live under. People like her are part of the reason that the statistics are so bad.
Seriously, people like her make me hate religious people. Protect ‘Finn’ he deserves better!
Your wife is a shameful excuse for a Christian and lousy stepmother. Sounds like she’s raising two bullies to follow in her footsteps.
1 John 4:20 “Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen.”
You married a homophobe and you need to protect your son.
You have some decisions to make because of you stay with her knowing that she’s been bullying your child, then he may never be able to let that go.
I can’t believe your priorities here. You need to do better for your child and wife be damned.
She embarrassed herself by being a Christian in name and not in practice.
How have you been married to this woman for so long and not realized she was homophobic / biphobic?
Amazing work for standing up for your son.