When overheard words from a conversation between his fiancée and her mother hinted at unexpected expectations and unresolved tensions, the man found himself at a crossroads. The promise of a new beginning now tangled with the weight of past grief and the complexities of blended lives, challenging the very foundation of their love and the future they had dared to imagine together.
I (30m) have been dating my fiancée (29f) for 4 years and we got engaged 4 months ago. My fiancée lost her first boyfriend before we met to mental illness. They have a son (10m) together.
I knew all this getting into the relationship and I love her son and we have a good relationship. When we were first dating I told my fiancée I wanted children and it was one of my biggest dealbreakers.
She told me she understood and mentioned she would like two more children.
Her family and I get along really well and that’s been great. Her late boyfriend’s family have been nice enough to me too. I don’t interact with them often but when they come to the house to collect my fiancée’s son we say hi and bye and we’d make small talk if there’s a delay.
Everything had been going really well and I proposed. Then a couple of weeks ago I overheard my fiancée and her mom talking. All I heard was my fiancée’s mom told her we already have a child so it shouldn’t change anything between me and her.
Later that same day my fiancée asked me to sit down and she told me she had changed her mind about having more kids and she wanted to tell me because she wasn’t sure if it was still a dealbreaker for me or not but she would still like to make this work because she loves me and her son loves me and we make a nice little family.
She brought up what her mom said and she told me she wanted all the cards on the table.
I told her having a child together was still a dealbreaker for me and I would leave if that’s completely off the table. I told her I didn’t say that to pressure her or make her change her mind again.
But I felt the same as I did before. She was upset and asked me to give her just a little time to think. Then her mom called and they got into a small fight over what her mom said and her mom wanting to talk to me.
My fiancée was honest about her parents might try and talk to me about it and that she went to her mom originally because she was trying to figure out what to say. I told her it was fine and we’d see what happened.
But her parents are pissed at me and they did confront me. They said I could have a wife and a son and why do I need a bio child. I told them it was none of their business but they didn’t want to let it go.
They told me their grandson should be enough for me and to think about how my walking out will devastate him when both dad’s choose to leave him. They said he needs me. I told my fiancée, she was furious with her parents and tore them a new one for confronting me.
They defended it and said what I told her was not the mark of a good, solid guy. They said I should be committed to the family we have not trying to make another one.
I don’t think it’s fair but could they have a point? I’m here to find out. For context on me and my fiancée’s son we have a good relationship but I’m not his dad. At least not now and I don’t know if I would ever be.
He has memories of his dad and he’s told me about him. I love him, I know he likes me a lot and thinks I’m cool and I’m good with that. But the argument from my fiancée’s mom that he’s mine is not quite true and I feel like if we ever considered making it official he would not be on board, a feeling my fiancée shares despite what her parents say.
Conclusion
The core conflict revolves around a fundamental, pre-existing agreement regarding having biological children, which the fiancée unilaterally rescinded after the engagement. The fiancé is holding firm to his established dealbreaker, creating a crisis in the relationship where his commitment to his future family vision clashes directly with the fiancée’s revised desire to maintain the current family structure without adding more children.
If the desire for biological children remains a non-negotiable aspect of the fiancé’s life plan, is it fair to expect him to sacrifice this foundational desire for the sake of a relationship that started with a different understanding, or should the fiancée accept the consequences of changing a key term of their commitment after the engagement?
Here’s how people reacted:
Do not give up your desire to have children for anyone. There’s a really good chance she never wanted more, but told you she did hoping to get you hooked and tell you she changed her mind later. Your relationship with her parents will also not survive this.
(Your fiancée isn’t either – but her parents are, which is why I couldn’t vote “no AH here.”)
The issue here is incompatibility, not anyone being a bad person. She already has one child and has now decided she doesn’t want more. You had both previously agreed that having additional children after marriage would be part of your shared plan.
That’s a difference in life goals. Two people can both be good partners in many ways, but if they don’t want the same future, the relationship usually won’t work.
If she changes her mind just to keep you, she may resent you down the road. If you give up on having children to stay with her, you’ll likely resent her.
Sometimes the healthiest option is to part ways amicably rather than forcing a compromise neither of you truly wants.
My wife and I have one natural child and one adopted boy. Our adopted son had kicked our dogs, broke windows/TVs, has threatened teachers with bodily harm, stolen, assaulted mom, and came at me one night with a knife.
My point being…there are NO promises with children. Some times it’s best to be thankful with what you have. Mine is currently in jail awaiting yet another trial.
Two, you want bio kids, that’s a normal thing to want with the person you love. And having your own kids is amazing. Especially if you build that bond from the very beginning. It wouldn’t take anything away from your step son but I don’t think you’ll ever have that bond with your step son. And that’s okay because you want him to remember his dad too.
Three, you were open and honest and so is your fiance. But it looks like you don’t want the same things and it’s okay to part ways. If your fiance wanted to leave you at any point I don’t think you would be allowed to see your step son anymore and her parents would have a different view then.
And why does your fiance’ care what her parents want or think? Can she not decide for herself?
I would tell her that yes, it is still a dealbreaker for you. You want more children. Not just one child, but more than one child. Does not matter that her son is not yours, you still consider him so. And, if you are to continue, she chooses to have more children, then she needs to stop involving her parents in your decisions. You are both adults and you can decide for yourselves.
Neither your fiance, nor you, are the problem here. She’s had a change of heart and you haven’t, you both seem to be mature enough to have a proper adult conversation about the issue. Many more conversations are probably needed as well here but brace yourself for the end of your relationship. Perhaps your fiancé would be amiable to you adopting her son? Or having a proper custody arrangement so neither you or the child will suffer?
Her parents are the problem here. You haven’t said anything about “creating a new family”, only expanding the one you have right now. It’s natural for people to want their own biological children, even with step/adopted/bonus kids in the picture.
Being a step parent is great. I love our kiddos, I love our little family when we can all get together. However, being a step parent isn’t the same. You have the responsibility to be a safe adult for that child, but you typically won’t be as involved in child rearing decisions, and so forth.
You’re not wrong for wanting that experience for yourself, and she’s not wrong for deciding she’s actually finished having children. Good luck to you both.
You want a child or your own, not someone else’s, so if that means you gotta walk, then so be it. Do not be guilted into you have to accept her previous child as your only child. And especially do not let her parents dictate anything.
Sure, it’s gonna suck for everyone involved, but you told her from day 1, so this isn’t a surprise. She changed her mind, so that changes everything. If you’re ok with putting aside your wants, then so be it. That is your choice to make and only yours.
No matter what you decide on whether you or go, her parents need to stfu about everything. They have no say and their opinion means nothing
Wanting biological children of your own is a **fundamental life choice**, not some trivial preference. You were upfront from the very beginning of your relationship that this was a dealbreaker for you. Your fiancée initially agreed she wanted more kids, and only after you got engaged did she change her mind. People are allowed to change their minds about children but you’re also allowed to stand by your boundary.
It is better to leave now before the boy gets way too comfortable with you.
The parents are huge AH for trying to run your life. It is your choice. Having a child is her choice. The grandparents have no say.
You don’t say, but I’m curious as to why your fiancee changed her mind.
Her parents are assholes for harping on you and getting involved in an argument they had no business meddling in
If she cant or doesnt want to give you what you want out of life. Then the relationship is over. Its pretty simple. Nta.
Her parents should have stayed out of it.
Break this off if it is indeed a dealbreaker. If not, you will end up regretting and even resenting her along the way.
You have a right to be a parent.
Time to checkout
You need to leave before it’s too late.