Now, years later, a spark of hope flickers in his life when his best friend’s wife offers him a chance at love again—a chance to step out of the shadows of the past and embrace the possibility of happiness. With his children’s support and a cautious heart, he prepares to take a tentative step toward a new beginning.
I’m a 43 year old man who lives in Canada. My wife ended our marriage 3 years ago. She started having an affair with her married friend. She filed for divorce and left me and the kids (14 m, 12f) to be with the new love in USA.
I have full custody of the kids. It was really hard at first but now we have a good routine going on and kids are doing great. They see a therapist regularly.
I never dated after my divorce. I started working out mostly for stress relief and joined a running club called “boring running dads”. I’m mentally in a better space.
My best friend’s wife messaged me that she thinks she found the perfect match for me. She said “she is perfect! She is a single mom, she is cute and very outgoing! What are you doing on Friday night!”.
I told her I’m driving my daughter to her practice and my son wanna bring a friend over for playing video games later. She said she will volunteer to do so I can go on the date. I told my kids that I have dinner with a friend and she (my best friend’s wife) will be helping me.
Here is the thing: she showed up. She is 37, and she was very pretty. She has 3 kids with two dads. The dads are in the picture and get along great. Her kids (the two oldest) are around mine.
Then she started saying how fun she is! She goes clubbing with another single mom all the time. I was surprised because at our age clubbing is weird but I thought maybe because I’m a boring person.
She was laughing and bragging about how she got drunk once and her other mom friend I convinced her to do line of coke. Then said her sister is her best friend too and always gives her great advice.
I was like oh! That’s nice. Does she have kids? She said no haha doesn’t fit her lifestyle. She works as a stripper at club and does onlyfans on the side.
Here is what I might have been an asshole. After I paid the bill she asked me to go back to her place because kids were with their dads. I lied and said I can’t because I have to get to my kids.
When I got back I told my best friend’s wife I really didn’t click with her. She tried to convince me to give her another chance and it’s been so long for you and I’m out of touch with reality.
She said I was a judgy asshole that I judged her based on her sister and friends. I told her I’ll think about it. I thought about it and texted her. I said thank you for going out with me but I think we want different things in life.
Good luck. Then I blocked her.
Apparently, she called my friend’s wife and got mad for setting her up with an asshole and got angry because she didn’t expect a rejection. My friend and his wife are mad and said I should have at least given a chance and I embarrassed myself by being a backward person.
My friend’s wife even said I can see why your wife left your boring ass! Was I as asshole?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) faced a difficult situation where a well-intentioned setup by his best friend’s wife resulted in a significant mismatch in lifestyle and values with the date. The OP acted to protect his boundaries and comfort level by ending the date early and subsequently declining further contact, leading to conflict with the matchmaker and his friend.
Was the OP justified in immediately rejecting the date based on her revealed lifestyle and values, or should he have honored the setup by giving her a second chance as his friend’s wife suggested, even if he felt uncomfortable?
Here’s how people reacted:
The fact is you gave her a chance by going out with her. Who admits that they were talked into doing coke to a 1st date? You are right, you want different things. She wants to party and you seem to want a quieter life. Going to a club once in a while is fine but seems like this is a regular thing, which clashes with what you seem to want. There’s nothing boring or wrong or backwards with what you want. Do not let them bully you into to a lifestyle or person you are not comfortable with. There are plenty of women who want a quieter, family focused life.
It doesn’t sound like you were rude to her or said anything horrible to her about her life style, you just said that you weren’t a good fit and moved on. Now they are blaming you for not wanting try to date someone who is nothing like what you want in your life? That’s some next-level boo sheet from your friend and his wife. They are very much TA here.
•Cokehead
•Wanted to leap straight into bed with you (each to their own, but not what you were looking for)
•Inability to be told “No”
•Immediate aggression as a way of seducing someone.
The correct response is to quietly have a word with your “best friend” and explain that the real reason you weren’t interested is because this woman started laying into his wife when you were chatting on the date. *Of course* you didn’t entertain it, but likewise you didn’t want to stir up trouble, so you tried to politely escape and not engage with her further. Decline to give more details, and say that as his wife clearly thinks poorly of you you’d definitely rather not get involved at all; your loyalty **was** to his wife and is now to neither of them.
Partying like she’s in her 20s seems like she’s compensating for something and her reaction says a lot about what you would’ve had to deal with had you entered into a relationship with her. Bragging about getting trashed and doing coke is very different to sharing a fun cheeky anecdote.
She sounds basic AF, you dodged a bullet. Your friend’s wife was also equally immature for trying to make you feel bad for behaving in a manner other than what they both expected. That’s dumb. They’re dumb.
* – You are judging her for her sister’s lifestyle when truthfully you could and should just judge her on her own lifestyle. She has kids and continues to club and do drugs, that is enough to say sorry but no and walk away.
* – Her for her reaction to the rejection, while I do think you could have been nicer in the delivery of it I do believe she could have and should have been an adult about it.
* – Your friends, the obliviously know her life and everything about it but still thought that this was a good setup and they utterly failed can’t even call it a good faith based attempt because they fell flat so hard.
This woman and you did not seem to have a lot in common, other than you are both parents with kids of similar ages. That is not enough.
It has been years since I dated. Bu you want to find the other person interesting, intriguing. You want to have reason to see them again. It doesn’t sound like you found anything of interest in her. For all you, She might feel the same way.
NTA.
No, you are not. If you are a homebody, then partnering up with a clubbing person would be a lot of conflict and issues to address. It is completely reasonable to decide it is not worth the work.
You are not required to give anyone a chance for a romantic relationship.
If I may make a suggestion though, next just say “I had a good time and I appreciate the chance to get to know you better but I respect you enough to not waste your time on me. Good Luck and I hope you find your connection.”
OP was right to reject this potential partner and his friends were 100% wrong to disrespect him for that.
your friend and his wife are just embarrassed that their plan didn’t work out and they feel bad for her friend being “humiliated” so they’re trying to pin it on you
she could have eased in to a lot of that and probably not scared you off, but she was too intent on trying to look “young and cool” to think about what you might think
But da*n, your friend’s wife is really acting inappropriately. Her reaction was NOT okay. So it didn’t work out, so she turns into a raging, name-calling lunatic? I’d tell your friend you need some distance, that what she did was completely uncalled for, and no one speaks to you that way.
You can date or not date anyone you want to. Hell, I am around your age and wouldn’t want anything to do with this woman either. At some point you have to grow up and she sounds more like she’s looking for baby daddy #3 than a real relationship.
Also bragging about getting hammered and being talked into doing coke on a first date… classy.
Also, clearly sounds like you’re incompatible as well.
Dodging bullets early on is always better than picking up the pieces and doing triage after it hits you.
Prevention is better than cure.
NTA
You should really try to surround yourself with decent people though, not AHs like your best friend and his wife. His wife sounds completely insufferable.
I personally wouldn’t date anyone who does coke or goes clubbing regularly; it doesn’t align with my life and where I am.
You clearly are different people and well yeah, I cant blame you for not vibing with clubbing, coke, and strippers.
Not everyone likes the same things. Doesn’t make you an AH.
Dodged a nuke. Good job, Neo