Their story was one of resilience and devotion, a testament to fighting for love through every challenge. But now, as her world crumbles, she is left questioning everything she thought she knew, struggling to find strength in the midst of heartbreak and confusion.
I still can’t believe this thing happened to me and I’m just so lost and so tired now, I never expected for my husband to do this to me after everything we have. English is not my first language and I’m still in shock so please forgive me if there’s some mess in my post, I’m just venting and feeling so broken.
I’ve never used Reddit for things like this and just watched stories from the internet.
Me (44F) and my husband (45M) has been married for two decades and we have four kids in together; Shane (F23), Bea (F22), Charles (M17), and Ivan (M13). All of our kids are adopted since I cannot carry a child to term but I treat all of my kids as if I birthed them myself.
Me and my husband has a wonderful relationship, we are high school sweethearts, dated in highschool and got married when we were in college, we rarely fight because we always address the issues we have and always tried our best to fight for our relationship.
We have date nights, our kids cringes everytime me and their Dad are together because of how sticky we are and affectionate, we both have good jobs as well (I worked in a high position at a Call Center, while my husband works in tech), both earning good amount of money for us to provide a comfortable life to our children.
And we have great intimacy. We are each other’s firsts in everything. So imagine my shock when my husband told me this morning that he had a one-night stand with a co-worker nine years ago and it resulted with a boy.
My husband told me that it happened when I was away on a trip with my girlfriends and he was feeling so lonely and stressed for a project at that time but he didn’t want to bother me while I’m out having fun because I rarely go out with my friends, he said didn’t mean for it to happen and it never happened again but I don’t know if I believe him.
According to him, after they did it, he and his AP spoke about how much of a mistake of what they did and that it shouldn’t happen again, since then they never spoke to each other at work aside from when they have projects together, the AP ended up leaving their company after two months so they never saw each other again.
Now, just this morning, my husband told me that his AP’s parents contacted him a month ago and told him that she became pregnant after they slept together and gave birth to a son. They said that they can no longer care for the boy since they’re old and the AP is in jail for the foreseeable future, they wanted to still have the kid with them but won’t be able to provide a good life for the child so they wanted my husband to take in the child.
I just became numb the entire time he’s explaining to me. He told me of his plan to turn one of our guest room into that boy’s room and wanted to introduce him to our kids as their new brother.
Said that I would love the kid because the boy likes anime and we would definitely get along, my husband is completely ecstatic because he said the boy looks so much like him and is such a good kid, that the boy would be grateful to have a normal life and have parents that would love him- which is, from what I think he’s saying, me and him being the parents.
I don’t know what to do. I know the boy is completely innocent and he didn’t chose his parents. But the fact that he knew about this child for a month yet hid it from me, and the fact that the boy is his blood-related child, which is something I can never give him is making me feel so horrible and making me feel a bit resentful for the child’s existence.
I’m currently locking myself in our bedroom and he’s been trying to get me to open the door but I just wanted to cry myself here. I don’t want to care for the child. I don’t want to see the result of my husband’s infidelity.
But I also pity the boy. So, Aita?
Conclusion
The original poster is experiencing deep emotional turmoil, feeling betrayed, numb, and resentful following the revelation of her husband’s nine-year-old infidelity and the sudden demand to parent the resulting child. The central conflict lies between her moral obligation to the innocent child and her understandable desire to reject the living consequence of her husband’s secret betrayal, especially given the husband’s unilateral decision-making about integrating the child into their family.
Should the OP prioritize her emotional well-being and the stability of her existing family unit by refusing to take on responsibility for a child born from adultery, or is the moral imperative to protect and provide for this unexpected, innocent child, regardless of the circumstances of his conception, the higher priority?
Here’s how people reacted:
That’s a HUGE hit to your emotions and mental health to handle all at one time: adultery, the son, the attempt to have you take on a maternal role (which the kid might not want, TBH), handling a child who has been displaced and probably needs therapy, YOU most assuredly would benefit from some individual therapy and perhaps couples therapy, if you decide you want to stay and fight for you relationship.
I don’t think one of you moving out while you deal with the fallout is a wrong decision. It’s a lot to get through.
Then you can really explore if you want to stay married, whether you have any intention of bringing his son into your household if you choose to stay married, perhaps consider what would life look like as a divorced woman (there are both pros and cons).
No matter what, change has landed on your lap. Now you just have to consider what that change will look like.
And maybe hit your cheating husband over the head with a cricket bat for being a jerk and trying to sell his story as a good thing, instead of coming hat in hand, admitting he fucked up when he fucked someone else, and talking through the situation – giving you some space if you need it (like letting you cry in the bedroom without banging on the door!).
Shut down any talk of moving that boy in immediately. Make it clear your marriage may not last and it would be cruel to drag a young child into the middle of this, especially when all your time and energy will be focused on yourself and your own children. Who will be suffering from learning their dad betrayed the family not just by cheating, but by being so selfish as to not even consider how they’d feel about another child (his biological child) being forced into the household without even consulting them.
For adopted kids, this is basically the worst nightmare. A biological child comes along and is suddenly more important. Even in biological sibling relationships, a new child completely upheaves everything. Your husband is selfish enough that even after a whole month to think this over, he apparently hasn’t even considered your kids feelings, let alone yours.
NTA
and there you are. hit w bomb that just went off. the dust hasn’t settled one bit. for you. he has only care and plans for his new son. zero concern that he has just destroyed you and his kids. he isn’t the man you know.
tell him that he needs to move out w his new kid. you are not his stepmother and you’ve agreed to nothing. you do not want this child in your home. you will not care for or nurture this child and frankly prefer to never see his existence.
fair? who cares. fair flew out the window when he cheated. this has absolutely nothing to do w the child but w your peace and you do not give him permission to destroy your peace. counseling next. you have a ton to work through before you divorce his 🍑 simply so you can get your rage out.
How long were you gone on that trip the got so lonely he has to sleep with someone else? Is the AP somewhere you can contact to get her side? After this long there probably aren’t any chats from that time on his phone but might be worth a look.
If he’s only known for a month how does he know what the kid likes and that he’s a good kid? Again raises some questions about timelines that could be answered by the AP or the grandparents.
Did he ask for a paternity test? If someone suddenly popped up with a kid no one knew about a paternity test would be a logical thing to ask for. If he’s not then I doubt he didn’t know.
Is it possible he’s over excited to have a bio kid that he’s ignoring all the problems with dropping a surprise kid into his family? If he is that’s going to cause problems with your adopted kids.
Look your husband owes care to this child. But the child should not be in a home where you will not interact or parent them. That is fundamentally unfair to the child.
I see three possibilities and none of them involve having the child in your home unless your feelings change: You divorce and he takes primary custody of his son as a single parent. You stay together and he pays child support so the son can stay with the grandparents or another primary caretaker; he visits his child without you. Or he surrenders parental rights so the child can be adopted, if that’s even possible with the mother in jail but retaining parental right
He isn’t even apologetic or asking for forgiveness now, he just expects you to move on and mother a child he had from an affair.
Fuck that. Divorce him. If he was truly regretful and sorry, he would have told you as soon as it happened and made changes and got couples counselling and begged for forgiveness.
He lied to you for nine years, what else has he lied about?!
Have some respect for yourself. Don’t stay, it’s not worth the emotional turmoil. You’ll have to raise his affair child. Absolutely not.
In the mean time you contact a lawyer for you and a therapist for your kids.
LEAVE THIS LOSER! Your kids are old enough that they are gonna to know exactly what has happened, do you want to teach your kids it is ok to behave the way your husbands has? Or that they should accept this type of treatment from their partner one day?
NTA.
Leave the husband, tell him that that child is his responsibility and that he should find ways to take care of him by himself.
Loyalty is not an option, it’s required. Therefore he betrayed your trust over a little loneliness and decided he wanted to hide his affair from you.
Pack his stuff, tell your kids what’s happening and that he will be leaving.
Every action has consequences. Whether good or bad.
Sorry you had to go through this. You deserve better.
I’ve seen so many excuses for infidelity. They are stressed, they are bored, you aren’t that good in bed, you turned me down when you were sick and on and on.
Cheaters gonna cheat, but moving the kid in with you is beyond the pale.
You are NTA.
Time for a divorce cause he betrayed you, kept on betraying you and put your health in danger by sleeping without protection resulting in a child.
Let him raise the kid on his own.
He should’ve kept it in his pants and by speaking up after so many years cause he couldn’t do anything else he ruined his marriage and his family.
You need time and space to process this shock and betrayal.
Your husband is acting like you don’t have a say in any of this, but you do!
I wonder how many times in your marriage, he’s felt lonely and stressed and turned to other women.
It is ok to want nothing to do with this child. Take some space. Set a boundary that your decision on parenting the child is final. It is no longer up for discussion.
He needs to get out.
He’s glossing over the massive betrayal and expecting you to play mother to his affair kid. Hard no from me.
Divorce.
Tell him, he and his child can live elsewhere.