Following Emma’s death, the OP confronted Mike about his infidelity, who then pleaded for silence regarding the children (ages 9 and 6). Recently, Mike contacted the OP asking her to regularly babysit for him and his new live-in girlfriend—the same woman he had the affair with—claiming it was what Emma would have wanted. The OP refused, feeling disgusted by the request, which has led to social friction, with mutual friends and the OP’s family pressuring her, suggesting she is being vindictive by withholding support from the children.
My best friend “Emma” passed away from cancer two years ago. We were like sisters—she was my maid of honor, I was hers. When she was diagnosed, I was her primary caregiver, helping her through chemo and spending every possible moment with her.
Her husband “Mike” was a different story. During her treatment, I discovered he was having an affair with a coworker. Emma knew but was too sick to deal with the drama. After she died, I confronted Mike, telling him he was a disgrace.
He begged me to keep it from the kids (9 and 6).
Last week, Mike called asking me to regularly babysit. Apparently, his affair partner is now his live-in girlfriend, and they want “free time.” He had the audacity to say Emma would have wanted me to help “for the kids.”
I told him absolutely not. The thought of babysitting while he lives with the woman who betrayed Emma makes me sick. Our mutual friends are split—some say the kids are innocent and need support, others think I’m justified.
Mike is now telling everyone I’ve abandoned Emma’s children. My own family is pressuring me, saying I’m being vindictive.
Am I the asshole?
Conclusion
The central conflict revolves around the OP’s strong emotional loyalty to her deceased best friend and her moral objection to supporting the new relationship formed by her friend’s widower, contrasted with the perceived needs of the innocent children involved. The OP feels conflicted between honoring her friend’s memory and enduring family/social pressure to act as a caregiver for the man she views as a betrayer.
The debate centers on whether personal moral boundaries regarding infidelity and betrayal must yield to the practical needs of children after a tragedy, or if the OP is justified in refusing support to someone who disrespected her friend. Is the OP upholding her loyalty to Emma, or is she unfairly punishing the children for their father’s actions?
Here’s how people reacted:
Personally, I would tell everyone who is pushing you on this.
I love and will always be there for the kids. What jokes won’t do is be there for then so he can get his dick wet. He did that while his wife was dying. He didn’t care about her. Her care. Her needs. Why in the hell would I care about him getting his dick wet. Taking her on dates and having alone time with the one he was screwing while my best friend was dying. Why would I continue to lie to the kids about how ahitry their dad is. About how all the friends and family are supporting me watching them so he gets time with affair partner. If you feel so strongly about it. Then you go and watch the kids. You can lie and hide what a shitty parent they have. I love those kids, but no one will ever use a guilt trip if she would want this to get their way. If people continue and I do watch them then people won’t like it. Because I have no respect for him or her and won’t even try to for the kids.
You have been in their lives for a very long time, I am assuming you are like an auntie to them? Are you going to punish them and never spend time with them because their dad was an a-hole? Would “Emma” be happy with that decision?
If he’s going to lie about you, tell the truth about him. He is dishonorable your best friend’s memory by forcing her kids to live with his mistress. Don’t let him continue to con you into covering for him. Your friend’s memory deserves better.
And babysitting is a good way to spend time with them, and keeping their mother in their thoughts.
Don’t your anger about his affair get in the way of what you want.
If you aren’t interested in a long term place in their life. Shut it down, and don’t answer.
He’s a POS who deserves to be exposed for the dumpster fire he is!
NTA!
As for me, I would be there for my friend’s kids no matter what their spouse has done.
But you are NTA for choosing to do otherwise.
In every such story mutual friends are split, when it shouldn’t be the case.
I always wonder why a woman would want to be with a man who treats his dying wife so poorly.
Give the cheater the contact details of your mutual friends and family who think otherwise.
THEY ARE HIS OWN FUCKING CHILDREN