In the quiet desperation of a weekend meant to reconnect, her children’s rejection cuts deeper than any courtroom defeat. Their choice to escape to a theme park rather than share time with her family speaks volumes of the fractured bonds and silent distance growing between them. This is a story of a woman grappling not just with divorce, but with the shattering of her world and the fierce hope to piece it back together.
So basic background is I’m 42, two kids age 14 and 12 and signed divorce papers in April after almost 2 years of it being drug out trying to get my fair share from him. The details of “why” are not important but I’m angry, embarrassed, lost and sad any given moment of the day.
A lot of this has to do with feeling like I’ve been “replaced” by a 23 year old surfing instructor who is everything I’m not. My husband and kids claims that she is just his friend and helping him learn his life long desire to surf but Jesus Christ…give me a break.
My husband has primary custody because he had better lawyers who were able to manipulate some minor missteps on my part into the court seeing them as a huge deal. So this past weekend I picked up the kids and said we were going to visit my parents.
They said they would rather use thier season passes to sea world since they spent all weekend with my parents and Aunt Stacey and Uncle Brian (my brother and sister who I didn’t even know were in town).
I was like your dad took you? They said yes that my parents had invited him over to see everyone. I was devastated because while I don’t get along with my brother and sister (and my mom) they let my ex-husband know they were coming and not me.
I can’t even let that sink in without tears forming. I sort of jested that “oh and let me guess Ms Surf Instructor was there too?” My daughter said “well actually we all went to her house in ocean beach because she gave Stacey and Brian lessons after ours.” That included my mom and dad.
I was so devastated I took the kids back home and just went home and cried for an hour.
When I was done I sent a furious email to my entire family how inappropriate they all had been and then not only hanging out with my ex for an entire weekend, but his little chippy as well is a massive slap in the face and the fact they didn’t even tell they were in town let alone invite me makes me feel so alone.
My mom was the only one to respond and she basically said “yes it was rude we didn’t tell you Stacey and Brian were here and we shouldn’t have done that. But we didn’t divorce Bradley, and we still see him as a son.
This email along with your behavior over the last 5 years should really give you insight into why we might not want you at family events.”
In so many words she called me asshole for sending the email, was I?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is experiencing deep feelings of anger, embarrassment, loss, and sadness following a recent, painful divorce. The central conflict arises from the OP’s feeling of being replaced and excluded, highlighted by her ex-husband and children spending time with her extended family alongside the new, younger girlfriend, a situation the family appears to have enabled by not inviting the OP.
Was the OP justified in sending a furious email to her entire family upon learning they spent time with her ex-husband and his new partner without inviting her, or was her reaction inappropriate given her mother’s claim that the OP’s past behavior makes her unwelcome at family events?
Here’s how people reacted:
I have personal experience with this situation (as the kid), and I’m pretty sure you’re leaving out important details about the divorce that would make the “you’re the asshole” judgement even clearer.
My dad had a pretty bad drinking problem when I was younger. Because of this, my mother divorced him and she got full custody. This situation didn’t make my grandparents stop caring for her. She was after all, the mother of their grandchildren (my brother and I). Their relationship with my mother was strong before the relationship, so why should that change because my father wasn’t being a good father/husband? We didn’t live near them so we didn’t see them often, but when we did see them they happily involved my mother in the plans. My father lived nearby so I’d see him for a couple days (since otherwise I wouldn’t see him at all). My brother and I would stay with him and my mother would stay with my grandparents (her ex in-laws). Most of the trip it was just my grandparents, mother, brother and I doing stuff, including going to other states (so it was a vacation for everyone). I’m glad my grandparents still cared for my mother. It made the divorce situation much easier on my brother and I. Honestly, I didn’t like my father much either so if they didn’t welcome my mother, I wouldn’t have seen them. My father tried to get my brother and I to fly down alone and I refused everytime.
It’s pretty difficult for fathers to get full custody. Judges tend to favor the mother when it comes to custody battles. This is obvious when you see so many unfit mothers still winning custody. So the fact that your ex-husband got full custody tells me that you probably messed up real bad one way or another. And if that’s the case, I’m sure the kids are more comfortable with their father. This also means that your parents should harbor no ill will against your ex-husband. They want to see their grandchildren and it’s not wrong for them to care about your ex. They’re actually doing what’s best for the children. You however are being selfish. You don’t seem to be thinking about what’s best for your children.
**Edit:** I now see in the comments that you admitted to having an affair (though you seem to be trying hard not to take full responsibility for your actions). You fucked up. Not your husband. Just like my father, you’re the one that damaged the family. And just like my mother, there is no reason for your husband’s in-laws (your family) to have any negative feelings for him. You destroyed your family. I’m sure your children know your to blame for the family falling apart (whether they know the specific details or could feel you were the problem based on the tone of the environment). So, I’m sure your children are probably much more comfortable being with their father and thus seeing their grandparents with him instead of you is the best thing for them.
**Summary**
* I was the kid in a very similar situation. My father was the reason for the family falling apart, just like OP is (had an affair which is mentioned in the comments).
* My father’s parents had no reason to have negative feelings about my mother, since she did nothing wrong. OP’s parents have no reason to have negative feelings towards OP’s ex-husband.
* The fact that my grandparents still cared for my mother and didn’t punish her for my father’s actions, made the divorce much easier on my brother and I. OP is trying to create more drama and make her kids’ lives more of a hell.
* Because of how my father behaved, I never was able to feel comfortable will him. So, I did not like spending time with him. If my grandparents didn’t welcome my mother, I would have refused to see them. So, OP’s parents is doing what they should to make sure they still see their grandchildren.
Based on what you have stated in your post and the extra information you gave in the comments, you cheated on your spouse, dragged out your divorce, and now you are placing the blame on you not being included in family events over your ex-spouse? Your mom is right- just because you are divorced doesn’t mean he can’t still be family. He has primary custody so if your parents want to see your kids, they have to work with him more than with you. Those are just the facts. He has moved on, after what sounds like a painful divorce. I would imagine that he deserves to be happy and you don’t have the right to pass judgement on who he moves on with.
Also- your mom also admitted that you should have been told that your family is in town- she should have included you and she owned up to it. BUT- be honest with yourself for a second- if you have been invited and your ex and his new girlfriend were included, would you have gone and made it a pleasant weekend? My guess is probably not.
So YTA for sending the email without being introspective at all about your role in your family dynamics and placing blame on everyone but yourself.
I genuinely feel sorry for you in this circumstance. But I feel that this is a very one-sided story based on the below:
> My husband has primary custody because he had better lawyers who were able to manipulate some minor missteps on my part into the court seeing them as a huge deal.
Child custody is not granted lightly. Were these missteps related to court proceedings or events outside of court?
> This email along with your behavior over the last 5 years should really give you insight into why we might not want you at family events.
Why would your mother say this?
I genuinely feel in this case you need to see a therapist. I don’t like recommending this, as it is a bit of a cliche response on many subs but as you said:
> I’m angry, embarrassed, lost and sad any given moment of the day.
You need professional guidance on how to deal with the divorce and moving forward. This has clearly been a very trying time for you.
I wish you the best of luck for the future and hope you take the necessary steps to move forward.
On one comment you said your marriage ended because you didn’t get along, another because you were “mind controlled and seduced.”
Although I have no doubt whatever affair you were involved with was a toxic one, sounds like you cheated on your husband and he’s trying to move on.
In your post you seem to dismiss the court ruling as your ex having better lawyers, and totally gloss over not getting along with your family.
Let your husband live his life, quit being vindictive and toxic. Other comments you’re talking bad about his friend because of her career choices? As if she’s somehow detrimental to your children? Are you kidding?
To be perfectly frank I think you need to do a lot of soul searching and quit having a pity party. Your parents were somehow kind enough to apologize even though they did nothing wrong.
With the info about your affair and your attempts to cherry pick info, you are definitely TA.
I feel like everyone is skipping over how absolutely shitty it is what your parents did to you tho. I’m really trying to put myself in their shoes, and I absolutely cannot justify what they did. Seeing him and still having a bit of a relationship? Sure. But spending an entire day with him, his new fling, going to her house, and then not telling you that you’re sibling was in town? How is that justifiable??
Edit: I don’t really care about the downvotes, and think this is a very objective way to look at the situation. 2 quick things:
1. ESH is the family and OP, not the kids/ex/surfer.
2. It’s really shady that Op replied to this and didn’t give further details to explain the problems between herself and her family.
1. Father has primary custody
2. You don’t get along with your family
3. Following the news you “punished” your kids by doing nothing with them instead of making alternate plans.
4. Your family highlighted your behavior (for over 5 years) as being the problem.
There may be more to the context of this but it seems like you might need to take a look at your pattern of behaviors and actions. Time to accept some personal responsibility for your situation.
ETA: Ah, you had an affair. See, that would be known as curating. It’s official, YTA.
2nd edit: For everyone who can’t figure out how I know about the affair, try clicking on the username and reading the multiple comments by OP on the topic.
* You’re obviously picking and choosing information to share in your post that puts you in a positive light. That’s an asshole move in this subreddit.
* You’re talking shit about your children’s father and his significant other *to your children*. That’s an asshole move when you’re co-parenting. They deserve to have a relationship with their father that is free from your undermining. Keep the marital drama between the two of you.
Your family has every right to have around whom they choose, especially if that’s the father of their grandchildren. I can see why you might be upset that they didn’t tell you that your siblings were in town, but you should take a moment to think about why they chose not to do so.
your ex has primary custody and your family wants to see your kids. what’s the issue here? that you’re bitter? that you don’t like that he has moved on?
and i don’t buy the “minor missteps his lawyer manipulated” story about why he has primary custody. this is an incredibly one-sided story and if your mother is telling you, basically, “look at how you’re acting and how much of a shit you’ve been over the last half decade” maybe instead of coming to the internet for validation you seek out your family for clarity and to smooth things over. in person. not through a bitchy, accusatory email.
Otherwise it just feels like you’re using your prejudice against age-gap relationships to deflect the reader’s judgment away from the missing details in your post and towards your ex and his new girlfriend (neither of whom are doing anything wrong in relation to you post-divorce).
Edit: She had an affair and can’t own up to it as her own fault. Seriously who blames someone else for having an affair? And blames mind control? 🤦♀️
If you can’t move on, at least let your family move on. This is narcissism at its best. Your comments in this thread show that.
YTA for leaving so much of the story out. Seems like your family has valid reasons to not want you around. Own up to that and work on becoming a better person, not sending rants over email.
There is more to the divorce…
>The details of “why” are not important
I think they are important, given your mother’s statement.
INFO
What was the reason for the divorce?
EDIT: OP, you seem a bit… unhinged. I think perhaps professional help may be more suitable. Regardless, YTA.