Yet, in a tender act of courage, the sister arrived with her children and youngest son-in-law, bringing a fragile flicker of hope to the gathering. As stories and memories unfolded, the family found strength in shared grief and love, their conversations weaving a bittersweet tapestry of remembrance and resilience in the face of loss.
First Thanksgiving without our beloved BIL (Sis’ husband, 30s, passed away months ago from a serious medical condition). He and my sister and their kids used to spend Thanksgiving at my parents’ house every year.
This year, seeing how sad my sister has been, we weren’t sure whether she wanted to join us, but were surprised when she showed up with her kids while we were about to eat, and brought her youngest SIL too.
We were happy to see them.
My sister took off her jacket and sat down at the table, and we started eating and talking about a bunch of stuff when my husband stopped and casually pointed at the empty chair and said, “Damn, that’s where Thomas used to sit wearing that same brown trucker jacket and talk about his plans for the future even when sick.” I looked at my sister and saw her grudgingly staring at him as he went on to speak to the kids directly, asking if they miss daddy, and they nodded.
He then looked at my sister, then back at the kids, and said, “oh please don’t be so sad because Daddy’s just gone to sleep just like we all do…except that he won’t ever wake up.” We were all shocked as my niece started crying suddenly, and my sister got up from her chair and started unloading on my husband, calling him an idiot and saying he should have kept his mouth shut and not talked to the kids like that.
My husband got up from his seat and got into an argument with her, and I got involved trying to calm them down, but my sister told her SIL to get the kids ready to leave and took her stuff.
I tried to follow, but she told me to leave her alone; I’ve done enough already (?*).
I went back inside, and my husband said he was just trying to comfort the kids and didn’t understand why she went off on him like that. I was pretty upset, and later that night, my sister called, saying her kids are now traumatized and terrified of sleeping, thinking they too won’t wake up just like their dad after what my husband told them.
I said, “Oh my God, I’m so sorry,” then literally got into a big argument with him as he tried to say he was the victim and my sister was overstepping by calling him an idiot and humiliating him in front of the whole family.
I said he deserved to be called an idiot and more after the messed-up line he told the kids and let him know that he just traumatized his niece and nephew while this whole situation was preventable.
He threw his hands up in frustration, took his phone and bag, and left the apartment after saying we were all being too much and unfair to him over an innocent attempt to comfort the kids.
He thinks I should be with, not against, him.
Context: And in case it’s relevant, my husband has always disliked my BIL, and they were never close, which is why I was dumbfounded when he mentioned him at the table. Most of my family are saying he did it to be malicious, but he says they’re wrong and need to get over themselves.
He even said he’d return the similar gifts my BIL used to get for the kids on Christmas after this.
Conclusion
The original poster’s husband caused significant distress by making an insensitive and blunt comment about death directly to grieving children during a sensitive family gathering. The central conflict lies between the husband’s insistence that his actions were an innocent, albeit clumsy, attempt at comfort and the sister’s reaction, which prioritized protecting her children from unnecessary trauma.
Was the husband’s comment an unforgivable act of cruelty, or was it a deeply misguided attempt at communication in a moment of raw grief that warrants understanding, even if not forgiveness? How should the family balance acknowledging the husband’s poor judgment with supporting the sister’s immediate need to shield her children from further pain?
Here’s how people reacted:
If you husband did in fact say this
> “Damn, that’s where Thomas used to sit wearing that same brown trucker jacket and talk about his plans for the future even when sick” I looked at my sister and saw her grudgingly staring at him as he went on to speak to the kids directly asking if they miss daddy and they noded. He then looked at my sister then back at the kids and said “oh please don’t be so sad because Daddy’s just gone to sleep just like we all do…except that he won’t ever wake up”.
He’s the one that needs to get over himself. Like no matter if his grievances against your BIL were legitimate or not that was a major dick move on his part
NTA
Do not let him buy the gifts BIL would have bought. That’s creepy as fck. **He needs to apologize.**
NTA for telling him he deserved it. You’re an asshole for choosing to defend him here, though.
Have fun with that.
NTA but you are if you drop this to make him happy. Your sister deserves better.
ETA don’t forget he also wanted to spite your sister by using her dead husband. Like what is this guy, are you married to satan?
Your husband…. is either VERY VERY stupid. With good intentions but absolutely NOTHING going on between his ears when he opens his mouth.
OR
He is a massive AH on a colossal scale. Dwarfing, in magnitude, most modern day assholes by a degree unheard of in most circles.
OR Worse he’s both. I’m sorry if this is the case :/
At first I thought: okay he messed up, but it was a genuine mistake, we all make mistakes and sometimes misunderstand how to act socially.
Then we came to the part where he’s making himself into a victim. Does he often do this in arguments? Turn things after he’s done wrong, so that you end up apologising?
But your husband……is a huge. FUCKING. ASSHOLE.
How the FUCK was he “comforting” those kids? Why are you with this guy?
I lost my mother when I was ten. It fucking sucked. If someone would have said something like that to me about my dead parent like your husband did to those kids, I’d have spat in his face. Shameful.
You guys aren’t being “too much”. He is.
Please send your sister my condolences and love.
2) your husband is a malicious asshole who took his dislike of a dead man out on children.
I don’t know your husband but you have to be a pretty big moron for it not to have been intentionally done.
Your husband’s comments were idiotic. Those alone I’d just say he was trying to be comforting and is just really bad at it. But he stepped up to AH status by not understanding the damage he did and being the victim about it. Sorry but you might have married a dumbass.
And no, idk what version of wifely duty involves indulging this kind of behaviour.