Years later, the wounds remain raw as Jerry’s hateful rhetoric continues to poison the family’s future, casting a dark shadow over the hope and innocence of potential children. The sister’s unwavering loyalty to Jerry stands in stark contrast to the pain and disbelief felt by those who witness the corrosive impact of his bigotry on their once unbreakable bond.
My younger sister (30F) has been dating “Jerry” for 3 years. He’s a loud-mouth who holds ignorant, bigoted, and homophobic views. I have no clue what my sister sees in him as no one in my family shares his perceptions.
Here’s what the first Thanksgiving was like with him (he was meeting my family for the first time). he brought up the recent election and called me a “snowflake” because he knew I didn’t vote for Trump ( I guess my sister told him since I didn’t know him before this.) He went on about how awesome Trump was and how awesome this country is now going to be.
I didn’t engage because I thought he was foolish, how he had no idea who my parents voted for and still thought it was appropriate to run his mouth nonstop at the dinner table the first time meeting all of us.
After more than two hours of this, my mother finally asked him to change the subject.
Fast forward to now. He has, on more than one occasion, brought up that if his kids “ever decide they are [insert vulgar word for gay here that begins with an F]” that he’ll disown them, and other awful things along the same lines.
I’m the only one that pushes back, usually asking him why he’d say that, which usually fires him up even more. There’s no having a respectful conversation with him. My sister just jokes and laugh it off every time he says something blatantly racist or ignorant.
My parents cringe and try to change the subject.
The final straw came when he went on social media and made comments about my relationship. He tried to call out my boyfriend and me because we both have good careers and split household expenses.
He thinks this is wrong because “you’re in a relationship, you shouldn’t be nickel and diming each other like you’re just roommates, what’s wrong with you two? Doesn’t he take care of you?” Which is hilarious because he’s in his 30’s, he moved in with my sister who pays for everything after two weeks of dating, only works part-time by choice and has no savings whatsoever.
I blocked him and called my mother. I vented to her that I don’t appreciate any of misogynistic/bigoted/homophobic views and he’s a loser. My mom agreed with me but said she wishes we could all get along.
My boyfriend and I live a plane ride away and I told her I wouldn’t be coming to Thanksgiving this year if he was. I said because they, meaning my parents and sister, just sit there while he talks, that fact makes them complicit to the hateful commentary and I don’t want to be associated with someone like him.
My mom was understandably upset and said I was her priority since she never gets to see me, but that she couldn’t tell my sister not to bring him. My dad is sick about this and wants everyone to shut up and get along.
I feel I have reached my limit, but some of my extended family members feel like I should just suck it up since it would really crush my parents since I live far away if I didn’t see them on a holiday.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is in a clear conflict between maintaining their personal values and avoiding family tension, especially regarding attendance at a major holiday gathering. The OP has set a firm boundary against the toxic and bigoted behavior exhibited by their sister’s long-term partner, viewing their family’s inaction as complicity. The central conflict is whether the OP’s need to protect their emotional well-being and principles outweighs the parents’ desire for familial unity and maintaining tradition.
Given the history of offensive behavior from the partner and the family’s unwillingness to confront it, is the OP justified in skipping Thanksgiving to uphold their boundaries, or should they attend the holiday despite the toxic presence to prioritize familial connection with their parents who live far away?
Here’s how people reacted:
Ignore the dumbass and enjoy your mother.
Edit: I’m leaving this up because I am resolved in my opinion. Why though?
Life experience. You never know when your mother or father will be taken from you and anyone who has experienced this will tell you how precious your time is with your parents. They’re aging and soon will be gone from your life. These moments with family are treasured by me because they were stolen from me at a younger age.
My decisions through college to stay away from home because I didn’t like the smoking, didn’t like the religious talk, didn’t like the family drama…. all of that deprived me of treasured time I could have spent with my family.
All of that is why I would tolerate some asshole I couldn’t stand just to spend a few cherished moments longer with my family.
Don’t be me. Ignore the asshole. Enjoy time with your family.
Edit 2: I’m honestly kinda shocked at this sub. This really disappoints me. Going to unsubscribe simply because it’s clear none of you value alternative opinions. Hive mind or nothing.
Pass.
You not being there isn’t going to change his opinion. You being there isn’t going to change his opinion. In this situation, if you don’t call him out on his bigoted ways, no one will. (But honestly your parents at the minimum should be backing you, if for anything to keep the peace for the holiday).
If you don’t go, he wins and is the only one getting something out of it in the long run. He gets to say that shit without pushback.
Good luck. Maybe you can offer to host Thanksgiving next year and not invite him?
Edit: Editing just to add for anyone who might comment on the politics of the situation that – while people are allowed to have their own political opinions – it doesn’t excuse hateful and toxic slurs that come from them. You can have political opinions without being a dick.
Instead of swallowing it down what you feel and think about him I think you should rather call him out properly. Ideally one on one. You might be surprised how much better it’ll make you feel. But if you follow through with this you’ll regret it.
Furthermore, while I agree that talking too much about politics is very inappropriate, a little controversy doesn’t hurt anyone.
I say NTA because you’re weighing your personal comfort/convictions against making your family happy. Personally, I would choose to make my family happy but I don’t think picking your comfort makes you an A. You’re just deciding to remove yourself from a situation which is unpleasant to be in. Sucks for your parents though.
Edit: Longterm, go visit parents another time and talk to her sis about her dating choices. There are better fish in the sea than this flounder.
EDIT: I came back to this thread expecting it to be bad. Instead I see a lot of people getting it. You all are awesome. (not you ZanezGamez)
your mom doesn’t know what “priority” means.
NTA , the only power you have here is your presence. Providing an audience is as much a tacit support of his douchebaggery as your parents not doing anything to shut him down.
You should just come a different day, when that asshole isn’t there. Maybe then they will realise how bad the issue got, without upsetting your parents too much. In any case, you should talk to your sis and figure out why she is staying with him. Who knows, maybe she shares his views.
Follow through on it. You attendance is enabling his attacks against you and others.
Don’t just suck it up. Your sister should suck it up, and tell him not to come. HE is the one rocking the boat here, not you…
But nowhere in your post do you describe talking to your sister about her BF. If you hate the guy so much and he’s coming between you and your family – you owe it to her to tell her directly as opposed to merely venting to mom.
I wouldn’t go either.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but why not just set a rule about no politics on holidays?
EDIT: Per the replies below, Im going with YTA for posting a fake story.