As time wore on, the family began to bridge the chasm with therapy and tentative steps toward understanding, slowly shedding the weight of prejudice. When another young voice in the family bravely came out, it underscored a powerful truth: love transcends all, and acceptance is the foundation of healing and hope.
My (43M) brother (43M) has a difficult relationship with his daughter (25). His wife comes from a conservative christian church, and when they got married after he got her pregnant, he pretty much drank their flavor-aid.
Lo and behold when she’s 17 his daughter comes out as a lesbian. This was an awkward situation to say the least, and it ended up with her living with our parents for the rest of high school, and them paying for her college.
I tried to be a safe space for her, because she’s a great kid with a bright future ahead of her and her now-fiance is basically already my other niece.
In the past two years, he and his wife have tried to reconnect with her. They’ve been attending family therapy, and seem to have made some progress in getting over their dumb fairy tale hangups over her being gay.
A year and a half ago my son (16) also came out. My wife and I told him straightaway that our lives are better because he’s in them, and that who he loves will only ever matter to us as far as making sure that the person he loves makes him happy.
My niece is getting married in six months, and she really wants her parents to be there. They, however, still say that this is a “mental block” for them. They’ve actually asked her to move the wedding back so they have more time to adjust to the idea of her being married to another woman.
When she told me this I told her straight up that that’s bullshit and if my brother and sister-in-law are too wrapped up in their own Jesussy Christiness to watch their daughter marry the love of her life, I’ll walk her down the aisle instead.
My brother has… take issue with this. He showed up in a huff and demanded to know where I got off undermining his relationship with his daughter, why I would try to push him out, he has the right to “give” his own daughter “away,” etc.
I reminded him that my son is gay, too, and I need to make sure that he knows he’s safe with us, and I’d be doing a pretty piss-poor job of doing that if I took my braindead homophobe brother’s side over my niece’s.
Here’s where I may be the asshole: he asked if I was saying that my relationship with my son is more important than his relationship with his daughter. I responded “yes, because I don’t have to see a fucking therapist to teach me how to love my own fucking kid.”
My wife tells me I could “probably have handled that better.” My parents are pissed at me and say that I need to be more understanding of my brother and my sister-in-law, because they have a lot to unlearn that I don’t.
My sister (51) says that I need to judge less and listen more. And apparently courtesy of my son, I’ve become a meme at the High School That My Kids Go To GSA club.
AITA?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is facing significant conflict due to defending their niece against the conditional acceptance shown by the niece’s parents regarding her upcoming same-sex marriage. The OP strongly supports their niece, even offering to walk her down the aisle, which directly challenges the brother and sister-in-law who are struggling with their religious beliefs and have asked their daughter to delay her wedding.
Is the OP justified in prioritizing the immediate emotional safety and validation of their niece over their brother’s desire to dictate the terms of their reconciliation, or did the OP overstep by making a direct comparison between their parenting and their brother’s, thereby permanently damaging the family relationship?
Here’s how people reacted:
As a queer kid, one who got stuck in the closet for _years_ longer because my dad would rather be iced out from his family than go to a gay wedding, you’re making sure your priorities are straight (unlike your kid!).
They have had _eight goddess-damn years_ to “come to terms” with her coming out. At what point is enough enough? Ten years? Twenty?
Why is it on your niece and her soon-to-be-wife to push things back, rather than for them to do the actual hard work they should have been doing the past eight years?
It’s not a “mental block” they need to “unlearn”, they just justified their hate for a long time. If this was a religious issue, there wouldn’t have been a shotgun wedding. This isn’t rocket science — if the religion isn’t good enough for them to have kept their pants on, it sure as hell isn’t good enough to push their own child out for something outside of her control.
I mean, a more honest answer is that the two relationships aren’t at odds with one another, but I don’t blame you for not pointing that out in the heat of the moment. Your wife is right that you could’ve handled it better, but your brother could’ve as well.
An E-S-H could technically be issued here because nobody is acting like the best version of themselves, but you being snide to your brother is nowhere near as assholish as him trying to hit the snooze button on his own kid’s same-sex wedding.
If you care about preserving the relationship with your brother, then you should be more diplomatic in how you _talk_ to him. Even though he’s being an asshole. It should not affect how supportive you are to your niece — act exactly the same around her as you have been.
If you don’t care about preserving that relationship, carry on as you like.
>Lo and behold when she’s 17 his daughter comes out as a lesbian
She came out as lesbian all these years ago and her parents are still having an issue with it?
The difference between your relationship with your son and your brother’s relationship with his daugher is:
You and your wife immediately accepted y’all son and loved him no matter his sexuality.
Your brother and his wife are still uncomfortable with the fact that their daughter is a lesbian after 8 years of her coming out to them.
>I don’t have to see a fucking therapist to teach me how to love my own fucking kid.”
I WANT IT ON A SHIRT, I NEED IT ON A POSTER, WE NEED COMMEMORATIVE MUGS.
What a line *goddamn*, top ten lines I’ve ever seen, my petty, queer heart is SINGING.
If he’s so worried that his hangups will jeopardize his relationship to his daughter, he’d better get over himself quicker. Poor woman has been through enough.
NTA
You were a bit harsh there. But nothing you said is untrue.
He’s pissed because he got called out. And because now he has a choice- get over his stupid religious bullshit right quick, or miss the only chance he’ll have to walk his daughter down the aisle.
Hopefully he smartens up.
>>”yes, because I don’t have to see a fucking therapist to teach me how to love my own fucking kid.”
GAME OVER!
Da da da da da da da da MORTAL KOMBAT!
NTA and keep on keeping on putting homophobes in their place. You’re my kind of people.
NTA.
Please tell me the meme is with your face with the words “I don’t need a therapist to teach me how to love my own fucking kid”. I need this meme in my life!
Yeah, that’s basically it.
NTA.