As Rachel’s presence stirred old wounds and whispered truths, the room grew heavy with silent accusations and unspoken doubts. In that charged moment, every glance and gesture threatened to ignite a conflict that would forever alter the ties that once held them together.
It’s a messed up conflict between my brother and my husband and by extension me.
So, My (f30) brother “Jacob, m33” and my husband “Connor, m32” have been friends since college. I met Connor through Jacob. they were so close and are always in agreement but that changed once Jacob’s fiancee “Rachel” came around.
Connor told me that Rachel used to be this “fun” girl that slept with nearly everyone in the group. Jacob met her at the new company and they began officially dating. I too was shocked when I heard cause Connor told me about her a lot about her “glorious college days”.
Jacob then announced his engagement to Rachel and invited us for the engagement party. Connor had talks with Jacob about if he was sure he wanted to settle down with her and Jacob told him to drop it and Connor did.
At the party, I was sitting next to Connor talking about random stuff. Suddenly Rachel’s phone started ringing and she excused herself to answer. While she was getting up, Connor looked at her and Jacob and smirked and said “I’m telling ya, you can’t make a hoe a housewife!”.
Rachel stormed off and Jacob unloaded on Connor calling him an obnoxious asshole, Connor just stared as Jacob kept insulting him with name calling. I didn’t want to get involved til Jacob tried to kick Connor out of the party.
I said to Jacob that he overreacted and should calm down but he acted appaulled that I “defended” Connor but I told him that he at least wasn’t lying. Jacob then proceeded to kick me out as well.
Mom got involved and tried to calm us down but Connor grabbed his keys and phone and told me to follow him.
We felt terrible, Connor started crying in the car and I called mom and said while Jacob overreacted, Connor was out of line to say this infront of Rachel and make her cry on her engagement party amd I shouldn’t have sided with him.
She told me to reach out to Jacob to apologize but I said that he insulted my husband who happens to be his BEST FRIEND, then escalated by kicking him out. I refused to call Jacob and felt upset for being made feel bad for siding with my husband who’s hurt because of what his best friend did to him.
AITA? I really thought it was an inside joke between them.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) finds herself caught in a severe conflict between her husband and her brother, exacerbated by the husband’s public insult toward the brother’s fiancée during their engagement party. The OP initially supported her husband’s statement but later felt pressured to apologize to her brother, refusing because she felt she was defending her spouse against his best friend’s aggressive reaction.
Is the OP justified in refusing to apologize to her brother for supporting her husband’s insensitive comment, given the brother’s subsequent hostile behavior of insulting the husband and ejecting both of them from his own party?
Here’s how people reacted:
Just because someone is your best friend, doesn’t mean they get to call your future spouse a hoe, even if that’s what they think. It shows a lack of respect for your friend, and an outdated view on what appropriate behavior for a woman is. Do you think your husband or your brother didn’t try to sleep around as much as possible in their college days too? But only women are disrespected for it?
Your husband acted trashy, and you backed up your husband’s trashy behavior. You both deserved to be booted, no they didn’t overreact, and if your husband was gonna CRY about getting kicked out, maybe he shouldn’t have said something worthy of getting him kicked out.
Your brother gave your husband a warning previously. Your husband should have taken it. If “Rachel” really did sleep with the whole group, sounds like the whole group had similar values about sex, and has no business judging the others.
My husband had an incredible amount of sexual partners in the past. I think it helped make him a great lover. And I don’t care about the past, I only care about the present and future. Just as I expect him to concern himself with the same. Who I slept with before I met him doesn’t even matter unless of course it resulted in something that affects the present (such as a child or STD or STI or something like that)
I feel like people who judge other people’s sex lives negatively are just friggin jealous.
You and your husband owe your brother AND his fiancé a heartfelt apology.
To the specific question you asked: NTA. You showed unity with your partner. Fine. That said, you need to have a conversation with your husband. His actions are disappointing, to say the least. If you don’t have that conversation, then you will become an AH.
To the questions you didn’t ask:
Your husband is the AH. The lack of emotional intelligence he’s showing is mind-boggling. He should be happy for his friend and get to know Rachel for who she is now and not who she was then. I can’t believe an adult would act this way.
The friend is NTA. He was right to throw out your husband, and I’d take it a step farther and say he should end the friendship. Your husband openly disrespects his partner, and that is grounds for dismissal.
So because your husband told you that a 30 something woman had “fun” in college, you automatically thinks she sleeps around and is cheating on your brother ?
You don’t even know that girl. All you know is what your – judgy – husband told you about her.
I’m curious. Since she made her way through everybody in college, does that mean that your husband slept with her as well ? Because he does sound a bit jealous of your brother…
I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re not invited to the wedding or have any contact with your brother ever again.
But you are mad because your brother insulted him. Your brother was absolutely right doing that and kicking him out.
Huge YTA and so is your husband. Your brother and your SIL should never talk to you again.
You and your husband are assholes. Huge assholes.
I don’t know why it’s so important for your brother to marry a virgin, but it’s none of your business. The slut shaming is over the top with you and your husband.
What could Rachel do now to make herself acceptable to you? Confess all her lays and cry and say how much she regretted it? Die waiting.
PS your husband screwed Rachel.
You both need to apologise to him and his fiancé
What friend says that about his BFs fiance? No matter her past she deserves respect!
Is that the kind of man you married and would defend?
You should feel bad. Slut shaming a woman at her engagement party! Good on your brother for standing up for his future wife. He will be a good husband for sure.
Definitely OP, you and your husband are the AH.
Edit: changed over to ok
Well not everyone, just you and your husband. Him for slut shaming, you for saying “well he has a point”.
Also it sounds like your husband is jealous.
>Connor told me that Rachel used to be this “fun” girl that slept with nearly everyone in the group.
Except him right?
He humiliated Rachel at her engagement party. Was he a purity angel, a holy saint at college? Stop this kind of shaming. Apologize to your brother and his fiancé and try to grow up a bit.
So many useless words when you could have just said you’re both huge misogynists. I would have “but why is it funny?” you both to hell if I was there.
The only person who is a bigger AH than you is your husband.
YTA. Big time.
I am sorry how is this not YTA? At an engagment party even.
Connor called Jacob’s bride a hoe and got kicked out? Aww poor little Connor. Wake up, middle ages are over.