In the shadow of loss, he chose compassion over conformity, standing defiantly beside his son when the world turned its back. In that moment, amidst whispered judgments and cold stares, he reclaimed the meaning of family—unwavering, unshakable, and fiercely protective.
I(52M) was with my wife(53F) since high school. We got married and had a son(25M) and daughter(27F). My son came out as gay when he was 16. My wife was never supportive of my son being gay.
He moved out at 19 to live with his boyfriend. My wife tried to pretend he did not exist. None of her family were supportive and would let it be known during family events. As a result, I became distant from my wife and was looking into divorce.
She got diagnosed with breast cancer last year and I put the divorce on hold to help take care of her. Son also helped, but she would push him away. The cancer spread throughout her body and she passed away last week.
We had the service last week and her family made it clear that son and his boyfriend had to sit away from everyone. Her brother approached me asking if I would sit with him and his family.
I simply told him no and went to sit with my son.
Everyone gave us dirty glares and it was worse during the reception. Her brother approached me after the service angry that I chose my son over my wife. He even went as far as to say that my wife did not want her son there as he was a disgrace.
I am now disgraced by her family for supporting my son. This has caused tension between the families. I just would like to know if I was the AH?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) faced a difficult, long-standing conflict between his commitment to his wife, especially during her illness, and his fundamental need to support his son against his wife’s and her family’s rejection. By choosing to sit with his son during the funeral service, despite knowing it would cause offense to his in-laws, the OP prioritized his loyalty to his son over maintaining peace or respecting the expressed wishes of his late wife’s family.
Was the OP justified in publicly affirming his support for his son against the wishes of his late wife’s family at the funeral, or did this action disrespect the final wishes and memory of his wife during a time of mourning? Readers must weigh parental duty against marital respect in this emotionally charged post-funeral setting.
Here’s how people reacted:
Why in the hell would her family have anything to say or do with the funeral? She was technically still your wife, therefore you and your children should have planned the funeral. You were not wrong. Relatives that are not supportive during a funeral can be dismissed with prejudice. I understand they are also going through their own grief, but that doesn’t give them the right to berate and belittle.
How the heck did you choose your son over your wife? Your wife is dead. Your son has so many emotions right now, probably the biggest being that he will never resolve things with his mom. How is your daughter doing through all this?
Your choices are simple now. Anyone who wants to continue with this “you are horrible/son is horrible/your wife was a saint” or whatever version they spew . . . “I have nothing to say to you and do not want to hear from you again.” Hang up on them, have their emails go directly to junk. If they approach you, your hand held up with palm facing them is a pretty universal signal to keep your mouth shut. Then turn around and walk away.
Her family should all be ashamed of themselves. I cannot fathom treating the son of the deceased that way, and of course he is also their grandson, nephew etc.
I hope with her passing you can close that horrible chapter in your life and have no contact with them anymore, there’s no reason
I’m sorry for you loss. It must be very difficult to lose someone you loved under such circumstances.
Your son deserves to know that he has someone in his corner, especially if his maternal relatives feel the same way about him as your wife.
Sitting with him at the funeral doesn’t mean that you were choosing him over your wife; it means that you love your son.
You should have invited her Brother to leave if he’s so mad about it.
You’re not a disgrace , they are.
Thank you for standing up for your son.
It seems the problems you had with your wife prior to her death were here doing, not yours. Sitting with and supporting your son who’s just lost his mother was the right thing to do. Your wife’s family are AHs, you are a good Dad
Your son is going to remember this moment for the rest of his life, and that you stood up for him against your wife’s bigoted family. Keep it up.
There’s no world where you’re the asshole here.
Those family members can get bent. Although, since you were planning on divorcing her, you probably weren’t going to be seeing much of them anyway.