In the quiet war over boundaries and respect, the grandmother’s desire to bond clashes with the mother’s fierce need to safeguard. What should be a celebration of family becomes a battleground of hurt feelings and unmet expectations, where love struggles to breathe free of smoke and fear.
So I just had a baby and my mother is very excited to have him over when he gets older and she talks nonstop about it. Which frankly I wouldn’t have a problem with except for one thing.
She is a habitual chain smoker. She smokes in her car like nobody’s business. She has a three season room with glass windows that she smokes inside of, so essentially a part of the inside of her house.
To this day I have never touched nicotine in my life because the smell of cigarettes makes me sick. It disgusted me as a child that she would smoke with me in the car and when I’d ask for her to stop she’d just say that she’s the parent and she gets to do what she wants.
We don’t let her do this at our house. If she flys in she only smokes outside and isn’t allowed to smoke in our car, which she begrudgingly obeys.
I don’t want my child to visit and be surrounded by second and third hand smoke.
When I told her this she got very offended and she told me I was depriving her of being a grandmother. I truly don’t think I’m the asshole but my husband thinks she’s right and that it would be nice to maybe have a break during the summer and for him to spend time with her.
Conclusion
The original poster is facing a difficult conflict between protecting their newborn from secondhand smoke and managing their mother’s strong desire to spend time with her new grandchild. The mother feels her role as a grandmother is being restricted by the OP’s firm boundary regarding smoking.
Given the mother’s history of dismissing the OP’s health concerns, is it justifiable for the OP to maintain a strict no-smoking environment for their child, even if it means limiting visits, or should the OP compromise to facilitate the grandmother-grandchild relationship?
Here’s how people reacted:
Your mother is denying herself the right to be a grandmother due to her life choices. It’s ok for her to smoke, but it’s also ok for others to make their own life choices about whether or not it affects them or not.
Your job as a mother is to protect your child. This is paramount, non negotiable and a deal breaker. That your own mother does not understand this and worse, is blame shifting her choices into you is unacceptable.
Do not waver on this. Do not allow her to manipulate you in this way.
You’re not saying she cannot see her grandchild, you are merely making some strong boundaries around the conditions in which this will happen. That is your right, and duty as a parent.
I’m a former smoker and I know how bad the addiction can be, but it’s not excuse for her expectations here.
Being a parent means putting your kid first and it sounds like that is what you are doing. Can you compromise by going there and getting a hotel or having her visit your home?
I’m pretty sure I saw a statistic somewhere that said babies exposed to heavy smokers have a 30% higher chance of SIDS (sudden cot death)
Things have changed a lot from 20/30/40 years ago where it was more common back in those days for parents and grandparents to be smokers and we now know how much effect tobacco can have on everyone around them
If your mother can’t respect that you don’t want your child exposed to constant cigarette smoke then she needs to respect you also have a right to limit interaction until your mother curbs her habit around your child
Use her own logic against her. You are the parent, so you get to do what you want with your child.
If she really wanted to be a grandma that bad and was so anxious to spend time with her grandchild, not smoking inside while they are there or around them in general, should be a very small sacrifice to make.
My MIL smokes as well, not in the house though. But she never smokes anywhere near the grandchildren.
It’s not like you don’t let her see the kid anyway, you just added conditions to keep your child healthy. Now she needs to decide if smoking is more important to her than being able to have her grandchild come visit.
You are absolut correct that you do not want your child in a room with a smooker.
On my point of view she even had to change here cloths before meeting your child. Nicotine stays on the skin and the fabric, so touching the child in his face with unwashed hands is a wrong move.
Stay on your point and avoid this situation.
EDIT: NTA obviously
“So yeah. Be a grandma, not a stubborn baby killer”
You’re not stopping your mother being a grandma, you’re asking her to not smoke in the house if your child is there.