When the office manager, Sarah, began collecting money for a group gift of $200 per person, the OP was prepared to contribute. However, Jess later informed the OP via text that she had to cut her from the guest list due to venue capacity, yet the OP knows all other team members remain invited. The OP suspects this change is because Jess invited an influential former coworker, leading the OP to question whether they should still contribute the full amount to the group gift when they are uninvited.
So I (27F) have been working at this marketing agency for about 2 years. My coworker Jess (31F) is getting married next month and initially invited our whole team (8 people) to her wedding.
We’re not like besties besties, but definitely friendly – lunch together sometimes, happy hours, the usual work friend stuff.
Last week our office manager Sarah started collecting money for a group gift. She’s asking for $200 each which would get us some fancy kitchen gadget from their registry. That’s basically what I’d budget for someone I’m actually friends with, but whatever, I was planning to contribute.
Yesterday I got the most awkward text from Jess saying they “had to make some cuts to the guest list” and unfortunately they couldn’t accommodate me anymore. Something about venue capacity and family additions.
But here’s the kicker – I KNOW FOR A FACT that everyone else on our team is still invited!!!
This morning Sarah comes by my desk asking for my contribution to the gift fund. I politely told her that since I’m no longer invited, I’d rather get Jess a smaller gift on my own. Sarah looked shocked and said “but it’s a team gift” and that not contributing the full amount would “mess up the group harmony” (like I give a single fuck).
The icing on the cake? I know the wedding cut was because Jess invited her old coworker who just got a VP position at a major client. Suddenly there’s “no room” for me, but I’m still expected to drop $200 on her registry?
Conclusion
The core conflict centers on the expectation of continued social and financial participation in a celebratory event (the group gift) despite being explicitly excluded from the event itself. The OP feels slighted by the perceived reason for the uninvitation—prioritizing a high-value professional contact—while still being held to the group’s financial standard, creating a dilemma between maintaining superficial workplace harmony and honoring their personal exclusion.
The central question is whether the OP is wrong for refusing to pay the full group contribution ($200) for a wedding they are not attending, especially when the invitation was rescinded under questionable circumstances. Should the OP contribute a token amount or nothing at all, or is the expectation of maintaining ‘group harmony’ regarding the gift payment a valid workplace obligation regardless of guest status?
Here’s how people reacted:
If a work acquaintance is getting married, and not everyone in the office is close enough friends with them to make the guest list, I don’t think it’s unreasonable or inappropriate to solicit contributions for a group gift from the rest of the office, in general (and if I were in this position I think I’d be more inclined to contribute to a group gift if I wasn’t invited to the wedding, and more likely to get my own gift if I was). Point being, in this case I don’t think “no invitation, no gift” is the final rule. However, contributing to a group gift is 100% voluntary and $200 seems pretty steep for a wedding you’re not invited to. So it’s also understandable that you’d want to get your own (cheaper) gift. So NTA for not wanting to contribute $200 to a wedding you’re not invited to.
The other aspect, you being hurt that you were uninvited, is somewhat unrelated to the gift-giving etiquette. She can invite whoever she wants to her wedding, and you said you aren’t that close anyway, but it’s shitty she invited you then uninvited you. NTA for being hurt, but she’s also NTA for having to pick and choose a guest list. I think a lot of people start wedding planning like “I’m gonna invite everyone yay!” and then realize logistics are complicated. She fucked up by not figuring that out before sending invites out, but I don’t think it’s this big personal slight you’re making it out to be.
My point is just that I don’t think there are direct connections between “I was uninvited therefore it’s a personal attack therefore I’m not contributing to a group gift.” Those things can function separately.
And do not give a gift. Also, 200 each is absolutely insane as a group gift.
My team was so kind to give a 200 gift gard from the whole team. I thought that was so generous.
I would absolutely not give a gift after the horrific display on her part.
Also, I would never give that much for a coworker unless we are actually friends.
And oh, NTA. But Sarah is one.
And if your manager has anything to say, go to HR about hostile work environments when everyone else was invited and you were deliberately excluded.
I know some works that don’t allow collections for gifts for these specific reasons.
You are being very gracious by still giving her a gift. Please, make it like $50 or less.
She’s quitting.
Cancer > wedding on the social guiltable hierarchy
bullshit, it just means they have to pay more than $200 to make up the difference. NTA.
Talk to your manager or HR about Sarah. While Jess is an AH for uninviting you, no one should be pressured to commit that much money towards a gift.
NTA
No invitation. No gift.