Caught between loyalty and compassion, the sister witnesses the devastating fallout of a marriage built on unspoken secrets and shattered promises. As her brother’s anger pushes his wife into a lonely battle for their children’s future, she struggles to navigate the fragile line between understanding his truth and mourning the family they once were.
I (21f) have a brother (28) who came out as gay last month. He has been married to my best friend’s big sister (24) for four years, they have 2yo twin daughters together. I’m really close with her, so I’ve been trying to stay neutral in what has become a messy separation.
My brother told his wife he’s gay by sitting her down, and saying he had been sleeping with two different men for about six months. He said he is now sure that he feels romantic feelings for men, and also told her he has been sleeping with random men from Grindr for over a year behind her back.
She obviously freaked out, asked him how he could do this, why didn’t he tell her when he started having the feelings, etc. He said that he’s always thought he was gay but he didn’t want to come out because it might affect his career.
She asked him what about the effect on her life? She is now a single mother to two toddlers. He was essentially very angry that she wasn’t supportive of this, so he kicked her out of the house, with the kids.
After she eventually found a place to stay, my brother moved in one of the men he has been having an affair with.
Since then, he has had very little contact with the kids, as in speaking to them on the phone once a week maybe. He has expressed that he still doesn’t want to be public about coming out, so he posted on Facebook that he has separated from his wife because they aren’t in love anymore and hinted SHE was the unfaithful one (posting things like ‘yeah, seems like someone in this relationship wasn’t satisfied with just one man’) and is basically being a dick.
I told him a couple weeks ago that he’s a fucking asshole and I don’t want to be involved with him anymore because I think it’s disgusting that he’s treated his wife like this. I told him I get that you have to come out in your own time, but you don’t need to kick her out, ignore your kids, and berate her, and you don’t need to make comments that people will assume mean she was being unfaithful (he said this was a joke about him having two partners now?
still fucked up). He said I’m being a homophobic asshole, and that I don’t know how hard it is to come out. He said that if I don’t accept him, I’m a bigot. He made mistakes and what not.
I said maybe I will forgive him if he improves his behaviour to his wife, and he said he resents her for keeping him from sleeping with men for years. I gave up at this point. My sisters (17&24) both think I’m being homophobic, my mom agrees with me.
AITA?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is facing a severe conflict rooted in their brother’s recent, poorly managed separation from his wife following his coming out as gay. While the OP acknowledges the difficulty of coming out, they strongly condemn the brother’s actions—specifically the infidelity, kicking his wife and children out, and publicly implying his ex-wife was unfaithful. The central conflict is the OP’s demand for accountability regarding the brother’s treatment of his family versus the brother’s defense of his actions as necessary for his identity realization, labeling any criticism as bigotry.
Is the OP justified in cutting off contact due to the brother’s cruel and manipulative behavior toward his estranged wife and children, even if the brother frames his actions as a result of newly accepted sexual identity? Or does the pressure and difficulty associated with coming out late in life excuse or mitigate the extreme harm caused to his family structure and public reputation?
Here’s how people reacted:
Dude: wife’s a hoe, blah blah blah.
You: no, you were banging men and now likes dick more than…she’s not cheating.
Aaaaaand done. As soon as he called you homophobic…
You: I love that you came out, tough tough thing…and she’s not cheating, he’s cheating with random men.
But…you respect his wishes more than her dignity. Kinda sucks you get the Reddit points and you get sage advice and reassurance your not the asshole for….what again? I thought your bro was the asshole here? This shit don’t make sense. How are you the asshole, if he’s being an asshole I’m really not getting it.
I reread it and I still don’t get it. If you outed him and that was your story it might’ve made more sense to post this, but this is some of the worst severe attention seeking I’ve seen for awhile. How does this make sense in the “spirit” of this subreddit?
I do enough asshole things enough each day to probably make some precious internet points and awards, but I might hear something I don’t want to so I won’t do it. Say some innocuous thing like saying a bad word, oh no I must post my incident right away!!! I want to hear good things about me!!!
1. He cheated. A lot. Of his wife.
2. Kicked her and his own kids out because she was upset over him cheating A LOT and lying to him since the beginning.
3. Is lying to every single person they are close to.
4. Him telling Facebook she was unfaithful when he has had multiple partners. WHILE MARRIED ?!?
He is a horrible human being. Cut him out and make sure his wife and kids are okay. If you have proof of him cheating before he told his wife, get proof. Give it to her in case she needs it to for the divorce hearing.
His sexuality is NOT an excuse to treat people like garbage.
He’s using “homophobic” to guilt-trip you, as if coming out as gay excuses all the horrible things he’s doing along his journey. He chose to marry her and father those babies, he needs to treat them with a modicum of respect and tact while he figures out his new life.
You are absolutely justified in not having contact. Him being gay has nothing to do with his disgusting behavior. If he was having sex with random female partners and kicked his wife out with the kids it would be equally disgusting. He has endangered her (STD’s) broken her heart and abandoned his children, and you calling him out of course makes you homophobic (no, no it does not). And implying on Facebook that she cheated is the lowest of the low.
He is an absolute, definite, grade A, gold medal AH. Cut contact.
Your brother is family and this must hurt you a lot being caught in the middle but I would say that his behaviour is not acceptable.
I have known men who have come out in their later years but their priority has always been the children. At the end of the day, being a parent should always come first and he seems to have forgotten this.
Coming out would be a scary thing for anybody, but destroying his relationship with his kids? That’s far worse
ETA: since he’s being such a dick, I’ll bet he has lied to your mom & sibling, making up terrible homophobic things that he claims you’ve said. Hence, they are siding with him & accusing you.
NTA. This fucking man. Take some responsibility for your own actions – she didn’t tie you down and force you to have a family. This wouldn’t matter if you were gay or straight – you have a family, you don’t just make your partner and children homeless because she’s not supporting your affairs. Jog on.
His wife and kids deserved SO much better and I hope they’ll be able to move on from this without too much trouble. Good luck!
You didn’t disown your brother for being gay. You disowned him for being an unfaithful, selfish asshole.
Big difference.