When news of a new pregnancy arrives, it brings a complicated mix of emotions—joy shadowed by doubt and unspoken concern. Amidst the silent tension, love and sacrifice remain intertwined, revealing the unvarnished truth about the sacrifices made in the name of family.
My brother works as a car rental agent and his salary is not livable at all. His wife is a stay at home mom for their 4 year-old, so, he’s the sole provider and he’s been receiving a fixed sum from both my mom and other sister to keep things afloat.
I also helped a few times when I could.
Some time ago, my sister in law told me she wanted another child because she didn’t want their son to be an only child and asked me what I think. I advised her against it and told her to either wait till my brother gets promoted or till she gets a job.
I told her it would be realistically impossible to provide for another child when you’re barely coasting by and that she was still young (27yo). I also told my brother the same thing.
About three weeks ago, my brother calls me all happy and tells me his wife is pregnant. I told him great, I wish you good luck and soon hang up. I never called sister in law to congratulate her nor went over to their place for the baby shower (told them I was busy.)
Yesterday, we had dinner at our parents’ house and I inevitably met my sister in law. She told me you know I’m pregnant with an excited tone. I told her yeah I know, that’s great I wish you goodluck.
She then said so? That’s it? I asked her what she meant and she said aren’t you happy for us? I told her my feelings are irrelevent here and their decision is up to them. She told me of course they matter and begged me to please honestly tell her what I think.
So I told her I frankly think you’re making a mistake and this innocent child is going to suffer the consequences of your selfishness. You are not ready to care for another little life when you can’t even pay your bills.
How long do you think my mom and sister are gonna support you?
She interrupted me and said what the hell, that’s none of your fucking business. I only asked you out of politeness but you really didn’t hold back at all. I told her you’re the one who told me to be honest.
She said that I told you to be honest with me not be a douche. She then called me an asshole and went off to complain to my brother. I didn’t want to entangle with them and grabbed my purse and left.
Some time later my mom calls me fuming and tells me I had no right to make any comment whatsoever. She said I should have congratulated them properly and left it at that. That even if she was the one who asked for my opinion I should’ve known better than to hurt her with those words.
I think my words might have been pretty hurtful and I went too far. AITA?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) clearly expressed strong reservations about their sister-in-law’s decision to have a second child, viewing it as financially irresponsible given the family’s existing reliance on external support. The central conflict arose when the OP’s brutally honest assessment, despite being solicited, was perceived by the sister-in-law and the mother as an unwarranted and hurtful interference in a private family matter.
Was the OP justified in delivering a harsh truth when directly asked for an opinion regarding a major life decision that impacts the broader family support system, or was the appropriate response to offer conditional congratulations and maintain emotional distance? The core debate rests on the boundary between honest familial intervention and respecting another couple’s autonomy over their reproductive choices.
Here’s how people reacted:
It’s true you could have said congrats and left it at that. But here’s the thing.
“I told her my feelings are irrelevent here and their decision is up to them. She told me of course they matter and begged me to please honestly tell her what I think.”
You did. So you’re not an AH for that. If she didn’t want to hear your honest thoughts, she shouldn’t have begged you to give them to her.
I hate when people ask for something and then get ALL UPSET when it’s given to them. If you don’t want to know, then for goodness sake, DON’T ASK. And certainly DON’T BEG for it!
She should have already had some inkling of your position based on the conversation you had with her when she expressed a desire to get pregnant. Of course she isn’t obligated to follow your advice, but if everything you said is true, then it was actually some very sound advice.
Just keep your distance OP. Don’t get dragged into the circus.
Maybe you should’ve been kinder or phrased it better (idk because I don’t know what you said) but she shouldn’t be sheltered from the truth when she literally asked for it. We can go through life expecting family to cater to our feelings, but then their advice and opinions really mean nothing. Who wants to surround themselves with Yes Men saying whatever they want to hear? Personally, I value my dad’s opinion more than others because I KNOW he will be honest and call me out.
She asked for your opinion, got mad when you gave it. Full stop. You’re NTA
Edit: Wow everyone thank you so much!! Y’all are so nice!
You are understandably angry that your mom and sister are primarily floating them, while you’re helping here and there. So you’re getting angry on someone else’s behalf without even – from this post – talking to your mom and sister about how they feel.
Sometimes there are financial realities in life, and sometimes people want to just LIVE and not simply survive. Is it fair that they’re going to potentially ask more of family? No. But if they ask you, you can simply now out and say you can’t afford it. Don’t volunteer to be angry on someone else’s behalf. That makes you the AH.
What did your comments achieve, other than upsetting someone? She’s pregnant, the baby is coming – deal with it.
But it’s also a lesson to learn. Sometimes people ask for a truth they’re not ready to receive. You’re not a bad person for giving it anyway, but some people will judge you for that. The better politic around pregnant woman is to tell them that you’re happy for them except if they announce it as a bad news. Reserve honest thoughts for those you love the most who won’t judge you for it and are capable to hear without feeling attacked.
For what it’s worth, I also think your sister in law and brother are being irresponsible, and someday, when your Mam & sister are fed up of being their personal ATM, they will too.
NTA.
OP: \*gives honest opinion\*
SIL: “ wait no not like that”
NTA. Pushing to get an answer when you politely declined is already dickish behavior, but then she’s upset that your feelings don’t conform to what she wants.
I do feel bad for the kids though. It’s not their fault.
She is delusional.
She knew already what you thought about and still thought it was a good idea to pester you about it.
And if family cant be honest with one another no one can, mom is slight AH aswell
But yeah YTA. “You asked me to be honest so I told you how I felt in the most AHish way possible” definitely makes you the AH
If she couldn’t handle the truth then she shouldn’t have asked for the truth. 🙂