Caught in the glare of disapproval, she stands vulnerable and exposed, the weight of his words heavier than the fabric of her heart-shaped dress. The room falls silent, the eyes of loved ones piercing, while she battles the sting of embarrassment and the harsh reminder of the control her brother-in-law once tried to impose. This moment is more than a clash over clothing—it is a painful echo of past wounds and the unyielding struggle for dignity within a family torn by judgment and unspoken pain.
The original poster’s brother-in-law (BIL), who previously divorced his Greek wife, Nana, due to his controlling nature regarding her dress and activities, has recently begun criticizing the OP’s choice of clothing on multiple occasions.
The OP initially tolerated these comments, attributing them to the BIL struggling and being depressed since moving back in with the in-laws.
During her husband’s 30th birthday party, the BIL publicly commented that the OP’s heart-shaped blue dress showed too much cleavage and was inappropriate for a family gathering. Feeling shocked and embarrassed, the OP responded to his challenge by making a pointed joke referencing his ex-wife, saying, “Knock, knock!” When he asked who was there, she said, “Nana.” After he feigned confusion, she delivered the punchline: “Nana your goddamn business what I’m wearing!
ok!”. The BIL became upset and left the table. While the OP’s sisters-in-law laughed, her husband and in-laws were upset, claiming she was unnecessarily hurtful by bringing up Nana, given the BIL’s sensitive emotional state.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) felt publicly embarrassed and attacked by her brother-in-law (BIL) regarding her clothing choice during a family event. In response, she chose a sharp, retaliatory action by referencing his ex-wife, Nana, which successfully silenced him but caused significant discord within the family, leading to criticism from her in-laws and her own husband.
Given the history of the BIL’s controlling behavior, was the OP justified in using a sensitive personal topic to defend her boundaries against his public criticism, or did her retaliation cross an acceptable line of family conduct, especially considering his reported emotional struggles?
Here’s how people reacted:
But you have a bigger problem. Because instead of expecting him to take responsibility for his behaviour and learn from the consequences of his own action, his own family – your husband included – are acting as though the end of your BIL’s marriage happened in a vacuum, as though his actions had nothing to do with anything, and his CONTINUED aggressively inappropriate behaviour, now directed at you, is something to be coddled and sympathised with, instead of called out. They’re actually scolding YOU for the same rotten behaviour he has displayed continuously for years. They’re never going to be on your side. Not your husband, not any of them. It’s not just that he’s not going to get any better, it’s that you’re going to be treated just as badly as she was, and they’re just fine with that. You may want to think hard about that.
Next time there’s a gathering, tell your husband any mention of your clothing by BIL will equate to you reminding him of all his flaws in non uncertain but very polite terms.
“Bless you, if you’re so interested in women’s fashion you should go work at one of the downtown boutiques, they are looking, or maybe sewing lessons are more to your liking? A youngbunwed man needs to know how to keep his clothes presentable”
After 2 years he can stop milking the sympathy, I’ll say. Your husband needs to get your back on this
If your husband is willing to just sit by and let his brother act like a pig because it doesn’t effect him he isn’t being a good partner.
What he said to you was entirely inappropriate. It’s also entirely inappropriate that his family continues to enable his behaviour
But your husband is an AH for supporting this bullshit!
The reason for his heartbreak is his god damn conservative brain. And his family is letting him continue with it? Please have a talk with your husband and see if he also thinks like this.
Husband is partially right, you where being deliberately hurtful, and you did it brilliantly.
NTA. Id be proud of that burn.
Yeah, it was deliberately hurtful. He deserved to be hurt. He’s being insanely controlling and rude, got divorced because of it, and is now hiding benind his upset he is rather than acknowledging it was HIS FAULT.