Amidst unspoken pain and strained relationships, the new mother faces the cold distance of those she loves most, as sorrow erects barriers where warmth once lived. A simple photo meant to capture a fleeting moment of love instead becomes a silent battlefield, revealing the deep wounds that grief can carve into the fabric of family.
I f24 and my husband (32) recently just welcomed our daughter into the world four months ago. My daughter was supposed to have a cousin that was a month older than her but my brother (30) and his wife (31) unfortunately had a stillborn at 7 months and she had to give birth to her dead child.
This was very hard for my brother and his wife because she had many miscarriages and everyone thought this would be their rainbow baby. After the loss, they both grieved so much to the point my brother lost his job and they ended up moving in with our parents.
It was now expected of me to never talk about my pregnancy when I visited and I was also expected to wear baggy clothes to hide my belly which didn’t do much because my brother and his wife were very cold to me whenever I visited.
This became worse when I gave birth and my husband decided to post a typical photo of the baby’s hand wrapped around the father’s finger. It was adorable and honestly, we were just stuck in the moment of finally having our daughter with us.
My parents didn’t come to see my daughter at all because they were busy consoling my brother’s wife after they saw my husband’s post. It did hurt but I was lucky to have my husband and his WHOLE family by my side.
That being said, my family hasn’t seen my daughter not once since she was born. Whenever they host dinners, it’s expected that I leave my baby home and I’m banned from talking about her or the challenges l face every day.
I’ve been fed up with this arrangement since it started.
My father’s birthday is coming up and everybody was talking about it in our family group chat I decided to ask if I could bring *daughter’s name* because my husband would not be able to watch her that day because of work.
I was, of course, hit with how they weren’t ready and I was selfish to bring it up especially since they were still grieving. I calmly told them that it was hard that I can’t talk to my own family about something so life-changing and I was just expected to hide it which resulted in me saying they were the selfish ones.
I ended up saying that I was done and if my daughter wasn’t allowed then they would no longer be hearing from me because I was tired of accommodating them and not getting anything but loneliness in return.
Now, I’ve been getting messages from my parents that I was stressing my brother and his wife out and I should be more mature but they didn’t seem to care when I was struggling so AITAH?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is caught between honoring her family’s deep grief following a stillbirth and her fundamental need to share the joy and reality of motherhood with her immediate family. The central conflict arises from the family’s expectation that the OP must completely erase the topic and presence of her newborn daughter to avoid triggering the OP’s brother and sister-in-law, which the OP ultimately rejected.
Given the extreme nature of the demands placed upon the OP—hiding her child and suppressing her life experiences—was her final ultimatum, cutting off contact unless her daughter was welcomed, a necessary act of self-preservation, or did it cross a line by prioritizing her needs over the acute, ongoing suffering of her grieving relatives?
Here’s how people reacted:
My son died years ago. It was hell it was absolutely horrible. I’ve been through stillbirth and 2nd trimester miscarriages with friends that were hell on earth. It is awful. It is unimaginable pain. That said, asking life to stop for your whole family is cruel, and it’s wrong. It is insanely selfish. Part of grieving is rejoining life and moving forward. It’s been 7 months since the baby passed away? They need to be sad, but they need to be rejoining the world. It is selfish and cruel what they are doing.
I would set up an email only for them. Send the address. Tell them you will check it once a week/month, and when they are ready to be a part of your life, they can email you. At that point, you will decide if you want them in your life anymore. All other forms of contact will be blocked. You’re done being hurt by them. Being forced to hide and feel bad about a wonderful and joyous part of your life.
Your parents and sibling have made a choice. Now, you set boundaries and stop the cycle. The only way to have a relationship with them right now is to deny the most important part of your life and hurt yourself and possibly even your marriage.
Then, surround yourself with friends and in-laws who love and support you. Block them all. Remove them from SM. Stop being made to feel guilty and hurt by people who want you to drown with them in their grief.
By the way, 5 months after my son died, I held my cousins hand while she gave birth. I was the 2nd person to hold that beautiful baby. It was my great privilege to be at such a wonderful event. I was absolutely still grieving. I absolutely cried a lot that weekend. I absolutely joyfully celebrated that child. Not saying they had to be at the hospital, but treating you like a criminal and refusing to acknowledge the baby is unacceptable.
I think it would be justified to send out a blast text to the effect of:
“(SIL’s) loss is NOT about my child. It is not ok for ANY of you to punish me for having a healthy child. It is not ok for any of you to demand I act as if my daughter doesn’t exist. I will no longer even entertain these demands. I refuse to allow myself and my child to be treated like a shameful secret any longer. Choose now: either you accept me and my child fully and stop demanding I hide her, OR you can all just get out of our lives completely. Frankly, I should never have gone along with this in the first place. My child’s existence is not shameful or unfair or whatever you’ve decided. SIL does not get to banish my child from sight any longer. If she can’t handle being reminded my kid exists, that is her problem to get help for. It will no longer be my problem. This is not negotiable. Decide now or lose us both forever.”
Probably having the brother and his wife move in with your parents has caused this very abnormal grief reaction. I’m guessing it’s grief all day every day at their house.
But their abnormal grief reaction about the death of their child isn’t something that should cause constant interference in their interactions with your living child.
I sincerely suggest that all four of them seek grief counseling. They need to get out of this loop.
In the meantime, I think it would actually be good for you to go very low or no contact with the four of them. They are making their choices very clear right now. Let them live it as they will.
It’s time to take a deep breath and enjoy your baby. Let the love and sunshine from your husband’s family do its best to compensate.
In time, your family is going to realize that they gave up their relationship with their living grandchild to grieve a dead one. That’s not going to be a pleasant thought for them.
But, that’s not your responsibility.
I would think that even within the first month your brother and parents would have at least come to see your daughter because she’s their niece & grandchild, but to force you and your husband to intentionally act like she does not exist is cruel beyond measure. I am quite surprised you haven’t kicked them out of your life sooner, but I would give them a heads up so they at least understand why. Please keep us updated and I hope the best for you and your little family.
They truly have the right to grieve;however, you’re right to point out their selfishness. How can they have so little love for you and your daughter as a result of their loss? They’re so spiteful if they can’t have their baby then they won’t acknowledge yours.
Your daughter is a living breathing person worthy of love just as the baby they lost was.
Your brother and his wife need to decide if they want to be parents enough to follow another path like adoption. They also need to understand their actions are flushing their relationship with you and your family down the toilet.
I’m not without compassion for them. But people who take their pain out on others don’t score well with me.
But even at that, I always went to every shower, including the delivery room with my sister. My tragedy was not something that dictated everyone else or to derail their happiness.
Your brother and his wife need grief counseling, and your parents enabling this only prolongs their being stuck in their stage of grief.
I’m sorry for you, but enjoy your baby and continue your pursuit of a happy family.
I am genuinely sorry for your brother and sister in law losing their child. They both need counseling or therapy. This loss brought their lives to a screeching halt!
That said, your whole family is supposed to stop living because of their grief? You’re supposed to pretend that your child – at four months old – **doesn’t exist** and shouldn’t even be spoken of?
Are they going to pretend your daughter doesn’t exist when she’s smashing her 1st birthday cake or taking her first steps?
Your parents are doing more harm than good by allowing this. You can’t insulate people from life.
NTA and I wouldn’t even bother laying down this ultimatum. Inform your parents that their choice to ignore the existence of their grandchild is unforgiveable and that you have decided they will not be a part of your child’s life, and in turn, yours. Then block them all and get yourself some therapy to process this bizarre rejection.
I would just ignore them until they’re done grieving. Not fair for them to put that on you.
No contact is the way to go.
NTA what so ever and I would go NC with your family
Congratulations on your little bundle of joy
Block them all. I understand grief, but this is unreasonable.
Your parents have made it clear where you stand with them.