However, the user reports that the reality is different; she manages all childcare and household chores while working part-time from home, while Jake works late and spends evenings on leisure activities like gaming. When confronted, Jake dismisses her concerns by citing his role as the primary financial provider. After reaching a breaking point due to exhaustion, the user told Jake she regretted having a child with him if he would not keep his promises, leading to tension and Jake calling her ungrateful, leaving the user questioning if her statement went too far.
I (30F) have been married to my husband, Jake (35M), for six years. Before we had our son, Ethan (2M), Jake and I made a deal: we’d share parenting responsibilities equally. Jake even promised to reduce his work hours so I wouldn’t have to sacrifice my career entirely.
Fast forward to now, and I feel like I’m doing everything. I work part-time from home, handle all the childcare, and still manage the household chores. Meanwhile, Jake works late and spends his evenings gaming or relaxing.
Whenever I bring it up, he says, “I’m the one bringing in most of the money,” as if that excuses his complete lack of involvement.
Last week, after another exhausting day of juggling work, Ethan’s tantrums, and endless cleaning, I finally snapped. I told Jake, “If I’d known you’d break your promises, I never would’ve had a child with you.” He was stunned and called me ungrateful, accusing me of not appreciating all he does for us.
Now things are tense between us. Jake says I crossed a line, but I feel like he needed to hear how much his behavior is affecting me. AITA for saying what I said, or did I take it too far?
Conclusion
The user is currently in a difficult emotional space, feeling overwhelmed and unappreciated due to a perceived betrayal of shared parental and household responsibilities. Her central conflict lies between her need to express the depth of her frustration over broken commitments and the potentially damaging impact her strong statement had on her husband and their relationship dynamic.
The core question for debate is whether the user was justified in using such an extreme statement to highlight the seriousness of her situation, or if her expression of anger crossed an unacceptable boundary in the relationship. Did the severity of the broken agreement warrant such a powerful, relationship-challenging retort?
Here’s how people reacted:
The simple reason is that there are gender roles in nature and females are naturally expected to be more engaged with newborns.
You can’t expect a man to participate with the same energy towards taking care of the newborn since they are not wired in that way naturally. Therefore he started putting less work for the child.
The best way to solve this problem is to communicate accurately, develop a plan on who’s going to do what, and stop being an ignorant feminist. You’re thinking is wrt being a hardcore feminist rather than a good mother in the family.
This is a very common situation in career oriented women in this generation. The earlier you realise that the better.
But I’ll repeat you’re still Not the A**hole. Breaking promises is bad.
Don’t do this to yourself, OP. It is a lifetime of misery. I wasted 20 years in the domestic gulag and I wish with all my heart O had gotten out EARLY awhile I still had career choices and good opportunities. Imagine yourself at 65 with very little social security, no investment portfolio, no job history, and you’re stuck with this lying manchild. Don’t be afraid of being single: it’s freedom.
Honestly, please read Zawn’s eye opening stuff on domestic labor inequality and the SAHP problem.
Do you want to stay married? If you do, now is the time to look into childcare. Are there good pre-schools in your area? Your husband can pay for one since he makes so much money.
You need immediately to start an emergency fund so if things go bad you have a financial pad to fall back on.
You already know you can’t trust your husband to step up, so maybe you should think about going back to work full time.
Hes not keeping his agreement with you. So you have to decide how miserable you’re willing to be, or whether you want changes made.
Nothing around house”?
If he didn’t have you, he’d have to cook and clean, etc.
And he’s telling YOU that you crossed a line?! Honey a you haven’t taken it far enough.
You are both adults and PARENTS and you both need to be involved in your child’s life. Coming him and relaxing and gaming while you do all the work and never get a break? No. That’s not how it works.
You need to figure out what you want for your life and how you see your future. And you need to have a CTJ talk with him. Your son isn’t going to learn that this is how men act.
This won’t change. He expects you to fall in line. It’s now up to you to decide if this is how you want to live. His arguments make no sense. You both work, you both take care of kid, you both split chores. He is taking advantage of you and shows no care for you physical, mental or emotional wellbeing.
Please don’t let your child grow up thinking this behaviour is ok.
You need to fulfill your promise bc this relationship is not sustainable. I love you and want this to work but I don’t see how it can when I am approaching burnout on a daily basis.
NTA
Try putting it that way when Ethan is asleep and you are calm. Sadly, men only get defensive when we say things in the heat of the moment.
What does he do for work? How is his stress level there? Is he avoiding being a parent, or is he decompressing from a highly stressful job, and communicating that terribly whether he’s embarrassed or not.
Did he have every intention of reducing his hours at his job, but then bills came and he discovered he can’t make the waves reducing his hours as he originally thought.
It’s a pretty good thing that your child is 2months old and not old enough to understand what you said though.
Speak to people you love like it may be the last thing they hear.
Apologizing for the words and properly articulating your frustration is best. If it comes down to him not changing for you then move to more extremes.
Maybe the two of you make a chore list together. I would agree on ultimatums if chores aren’t completed ect..
You have a child together and being a team makes it so much easier.
Break up with this man child, go back to work full time and take him to court for child support to cover child care.
He manipulated you into have a child under false premises. He’s a major asshole.
Also. Who TF sits around gaming when they have a small child that needs to be cared for and a house that needs cleaning? Unreal.
OP, won’t be the last to be tricked into getting knocked up because, ‘honeyed words’.
Better to be strict up front, so you know who and what you’re dealing with.
NTA + You’re already a single parent of one, staying married to this loser makes it two.
Marriage is supposed to be a partnership; you didn’t say why is he working the extra hours; is that because you went part time? More importantly, “I feel like”…..always, and I mean always, means you’re not stating facts.
It’s not fair that in the majority of families with two working parents, the housework and childcare ends up still being the mother’s responsibility.
Stop cooking for him. Stop doing his laundry. He is a father, not your child or a tenant.
That’s a pretty fucked up thing to say.
Prepare your escape strategy as you’re already a single parent.
Updateme!
NTA