When they met, he was just beginning to reclaim his life, stepping away from his father’s shadow and into the light of therapy and healing. Despite his fears, he blossomed into a kind and loving soul, cherished by family and friends alike, proving that even the darkest past can give way to a future filled with love and hope.
I have been with my husband for 10 years. We have been married for 5 of those years. He has suffered horrific trauma at the hands of his dad. His parents were married and expecting twins when his mom suffered some kind of hemorrhage and she ended up with eclampsia.
My husband’s mom and twin sister did not make it. But my husband did after a period of time in the NICU. His dad told him it was his fault they died. He had grandparents who meant the world to him and tried to shield him from his dad’s anger, but when he was 8 years old they died also.
His father then blamed him. He spent the next 10 years hearing day after day that he was the reason. At no point did he have another person to reassure him it wasn’t.
When we met he had just started to heal. He was away from his dad and attending therapy. It was a very big fear of his that what his dad said was true.
He is a wonderful man and my nieces and nephew’s adore him. He was always so good with them and the rest of my family.
In January 2020 I was pregnant and we went for a scan where we learned I had miscarried. As soon as my husband heard this, something inside of him broke. He started to unravel. He was in the middle of a mental health crisis.
He was doing this weird manic laugh that was also a sob. He ran out of the room and I followed after him, concerned. My mom and sister both work at the hospital (sister’s a nurse while mom worked in the little gift store).
Both saw him in this worst moment. They saw as medical personnel were forced to intervene because he was in the middle of a breakdown, hysterical and totally out of it. He was totally broken and nothing could reach him.
It was the scariest moment of my life. The worst moment of his.
And they judged him for “laughing”. Then when they told the rest of the adults in my family, they also judged him. All of my family were aware of his history. He told them about it years ago.
My husband ended up under the care of a psychiatrist who suggested he needed a lot more help than therapy could provide. Instead of understanding my family no longer wanted him around.
They said a man who could laugh at his own wife’s miscarriage was not the kind of man they wanted around the kids. I told them I would not leave him behind.
My niece is turning 12 this year and is having her first big party since Covid. She called and said she wanted us there but she hadn’t seen us on her mom’s list. I told her we wouldn’t be able to come and that I was sorry, we both were.
She was upset and asked why she never saw us. Why we wouldn’t come to her birthday party. Why we missed them all now. I told her that my husband was not welcome by the other adults in the family anymore.
She apparently yelled at her parents and mine. Then I got shit from them for telling her what I did. They said I had no business saying that. AITA?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is caught between loyalty to her husband, who experienced a profound breakdown triggered by a shared tragedy, and the judgment of her extended family who ostracized him based on that singular, traumatic display. The central conflict is the OP’s refusal to abandon her husband, despite the family’s firm boundary against his presence due to their misunderstanding of his mental health crisis.
Given the family’s awareness of the husband’s history of severe trauma and the extreme nature of his breakdown following the miscarriage, was the OP justified in prioritizing her commitment to her spouse over maintaining full access to family gatherings, or did revealing the exclusion to the niece constitute an unnecessary escalation that further damaged family ties?
Here’s how people reacted:
People have a right to not want to be around the mentally ill for whatever reason. Life is hard, scary, sad enough, they may not want to deal with the added fear of “is he gonna do it again”?
No one needs to accept your husband’s issues, it’s YOUR choice and yours alone. Not theirs. YOU brought an unknown wildcard into their lives and they are revoking consent. This is their right.
Your niece asked, and MAYBE you told her the truth without spin, I’m not seeing you ACTUALLY told her the truth that he was under the care of a mental health professional, just a “poor me” type of answer. I’m really surprised your family didn’t get ahead of that. That’s why they suck too. There were SO MANY lessons to be learned here about boundaries, consent, revocation of consent, choices, and owning those choices, along with how to weigh and balance what you want, what’s in your best interests, and what other people want and their best interests. You’re not doing any of that either. You aren’t showing any empathy to the people that witnessed your husband’s worst moment? i.e. not acknowledging their fear, their trauma, and have you even tried to ascertain if they have PTSD from that trauma? Your mom may work at a hospital, but it’s A GIFT SHOP. Not acknowledging this very different nurse and gift shop experience, leads me to believe you’re an unreliable narrator attempting to stack the deck in your favor, instead of Truth being paramount.
I wish you and your husband the best on your mental health journeys. It’s a marathon, not a sprint, and that’s ok.
So the first time I did this I was around 9 or so. My dad and brother were gone and my mom had a grand Mal seizure. Panic, turned to sobbing turned to hysterical laughing I suppose. Its not exactly an uncommon phenomenon and it doesn’t make you the fucking Joker. People seem to use hysterical laughter to describe something funny when it’s really hysteria, when you are so overwhelmed you cannot control it. What a joke that life would be this way is usually how I think about it these days. Ask each person individually what’s the worst thing that ever happened to them. What the hell would they know about it. If they think he at all thought it was LOL kind of funny they have zero understanding about your husband.
You are a nice person. All the best with working through the trauma that is real life.
I mean, make no mistake, you have every right to cut them off, they’re not right about this story as presented. But instead of taking it out on them, you got passive aggressive and sent a kid to yell at them. Not a small part of your decision to tell her must’ve been made knowing what she would do. If you wanted her to be informed, certainly there were less volatile ways.
I hope your husband has been able to receive the help he needed and stabilise again, and please accept my sympathy regarding your miscarriage. In the face of your own trauma and sadness, he’s still got wonderful support in you. You are awesome.
And on my own behalf, thank you; the world needs more folk like you. The kind who persist even though we don’t believe we’re worth it, and when the work feels too hard, and the problem never-ending. Thank you.
I am so so so sorry you and your husband lost your child like that. And I’m so so so sorry, especially, for your husband. That must have opened fresh wounds. The scarring on that is deep and concerning.
No, I don’t think that you and your husband should be surrounded by people who totally judge him based on an extreme vulnerable moment in both of your lives. His mental health comes first.
I hope you and him are doing better.
You didn’t say the specifics, but you were honest.
As a nurse your sister knows the deal here and she chose to ostracize him with the support of your mom.
The fact is im sure they planned on saying if ever asked that your husband was too sick and cant, and they can’t do that if you tell say something. You have no business saying that?? WHAT THE TRUTH? GOD FORBID THEY FEEL JUST A TINY BIT OF WHAT THEY PUT YOUR HUSBAND THROUGH.
12 is generally old enough to start hearing uncomfortable truths about your family. And you didn’t spill the beans on the why but said your husband wasn’t wanted and you two are a package deal.
And holy shit on your family. They saw medical professionals have to deescalate and possibly medicate your husband to get him to calm down and can’t grasp that was break down laughter not enjoyment laughter.
I respect you for standing with your husband. That was the right move. If they wont welcome both of you, then neither of you attend.
As far as telling your niece the truth, I agree with that too. You have nothing to hide. There was nothing inappropriate about revealing this to her. And it sounds like you kept the explanation short.
You have totally brushed over the reality of his breakdown. His mother died in childbirth. He lived with fear from the moment you told him you were pregnant until the moment you told him you miscarried. I can absolutely understand how and why he started laughing.
I can also see why they were upset by that.
That’s horrific behaviour from your sister and mum, especially since they both work in a hospital. You’ve said that they’re aware of his past trauma, can I ask if you made them aware that he was going through a manic episode (or mental health crisis) at that time?
Maybe ask niece for a nice lunch somewhere just the three of you and give her a gift then?
Explain how much you care about her and reassure her over and over that your families actions are hurtful but not her fault
Big violation of privacy if they told family what happened at the hospital.
NTA