Why are you aquiessing to her? She seems entitled batshit cray cray. You were honest and seems legit as to your apprehension in telling her. Idk how L was with you when sober – ie., did she ever come onto you, flirt with you etc, only you know this. So assuming this is extremely out of character of her I recommend the following:

You always have had and will have an open phone but she has to do the same. However, neither of us should use this policy as seriously it’s a bad way to be in a married – lack of trust.

Talking to other women? Again your wife needs to check herself. Way over the top to cockle your husband. You were helping HER drunk friend. HER drunk friend made quite a few bad decisions that night. Not your fault! (If you are being completely honest)

My question to you….when she kissed you, did you like stop her when she came in for it? Did u kiss her back for a second? Were you drunk? How quick did you shut that shit down asap?

Your wife is setting up your marraige to fail with her mentality. It’s one thing to be angry which she has every right to be. But putting demands on you? Knowing how it is now, if you went back to that moment, would you tell the truth on what happened knowing this would be the outcome? Cuz I doubt it.

>I don’t know what happened and what both of them talked about and my wife wouldn’t tell me either, all she says is ‘none of my business’, she’s still super pissed at me and I try my best to make her happy and ended up doing embarassing private stuff for her which I never was and still uncomfortable to do so but atleast my wife is happy

This is abuse and you need to grow a spine.

You wife is the asshole, and a controlling one at that. You had a reasonable response to a difficult situation and within a short period of time you came to the correct conclusion. I wouldn’t be surprised if she put her friend up to it so she could con you into doing something you didn’t want to do.

NTA

Something is deeply wrong here.

Your wife turning all this against you, cutting you off from her friend PLUS saying her conversation with her BF is none of your business …….. this is hiding something!

Girl BF’s share everything, in waaaay more detail than men do. It could be that the BF considers you available because of something she knows about your wife????

All this is making you focus on your self, your actions and your behaviour going forward, in other words it takes scrutiny off your wifes activites.

Your wife is in damage control mode and you are being manipulated

Since you now have an open phone policy it’s time to look in her phone. It feels like you were set up. Between the being mad at you, refusing to discuss anything with you about what she says to others but gets a promise from you that you’ll always be transparent to get you to do things that she knows you’re not comfortable with. It seems your wife and her best friend are using you for their kicks and giggles seeing what hoops they can get you to jump through while laughing behind your back. Open phone policy should work both ways. See what they are saying to each other.

Brother you’re being emotionally and mentally manipulated, I have literally been going through similar things with my therapist about my previous relationship.

Yea being annoyed because you didn’t come clean at the time is warranted but everything after that, the control over who you talk to, the control over phones with the consequences of “it’s over” if you do anything she sees fit. This is controlling behaviour in the most frightening way, this sub would be burning if the roles were reversed.

Stand up for yourself you don’t deserve it to this degree. NTA

You should have told her immediately. Keeping secrets in relationships never work. Had you come clean right away, and not lied about it (a lie by omission is still a lie), then she wouldn’t have believed you hid something and you guys would have been fine. All your wife can think of is why you decided to keep it a secret for so long. The story about you not wanting to lose her friend sounds so dumb because it sounds like you are protecting the friend. Your wife would of course want to know that her friend kissed you since that’s betrayal.

> I am not allowed to talk to any of her friends and I am to stay away from other women except our family members

No good deed goes unpunished. This is not a fair reciprocation for telling the truth. Her reluctance to tell you what happened as well has red flags all over the place.

Is this open phone policy for just you or BOTH of you?

I hate to say this, but she may be projecting. There is something else going on that she does not want you to know.

Blame and reflect are classic signs of cheating…….

I hate to say this, but your wife is most likely cheating on you. Every part of her reaction is indicative of cheating. I mean, it reads like a psych textbook.

If I were you, I would bring up the open phone policy (an insane overreaction to someone else kissing you). Tell her that in the interest of both of you being honest and open with each other, you should both be subject to it. If she says anything other than “Yes, that’s fair,” then she is 100% messing with someone else.

If my wife acted like this I’d be on my way out… She won’t let you around her friends or your friends or any women? Demanding to go through your phone whenever she wants? (also, open phone policies are a huge privacy violation, both for you and literally everyone that you talk to that thinks they’re sending you a private message)

You didn’t do anything and you were in a tricky spot trying to be honest but not make her lose her best friend. This is an insane overreaction.

Your wife is fucking ridiculous.

You got basically sexually assaulted by her drunk friend (who DROVE DRUNK), and she blames YOU. And you don’t even have to know what’s would be the resolution of her with said friend.

Honestly, I’d fucking divorce at that point.

She ain’t got your back, and punishing you for being scared (and, turns out, you were right being scared, your wife can’t handle you being honest).

What a clusterfuck.

Um, I think your wife is going way overboard. Should you have told her what happened sooner? Definitely. But that doesn’t mean she should treat you as though you cheated. You were assaulted by her best friend, right? So why is she saying that you can’t interact with women other than relatives for the rest of your life? That’s not healthy. You two need counseling, like right away, or else this relationship is doomed.

This dude got sexually assaulted. And even though he finally told his wife after he tried to cover up for the sake of peace, he’s getting abused by his wife.

It is a massive red flag that the wife is telling him he’s not allowed to talk to or socialize with other women. This is clearly abusive behavior and I’d be advising the dude to be filing for divorce if he weren’t so spineless

Does this feel like one of those relationship tests where the wife was actually behind the whole thing?

And while I understand his wife being angry that OP did not tell her about it, some of the restrictions are way out of line unless she is also ending all opposite sex friendships and giving OP the same access to her phone that she is demanding from OP.

Your wife wants to know all of your business and even monitor your personal social usage but ‘it is none of your business’ in situations that concern the both of you?

‘I do not know what else I could have done’, you could put your foot down on your acceptance of her unjust demands on you and force her to accept you as an equal partner in your marriage.

NTA, wow your wife has completely lost the plot. This is all absolutely your business. You were sexually assaulted by her friend, and look at the way she victim blames you.

She needs to come back to reality and realize that you’re with her, that you were kissed without consent, and that her friend is the problem.

Dude. Your wife is overreacting. Yes, you were wrong for hiding it. But I think you actually hid it because you knew she would overreact like this. You need to have the phone policy go both ways. AND you need to know everything about the convo with her friend. Unreal.

She’s treating you like you cheated?

I would ask her what was said and tell her she is to NO longer have contact with L.

If she wants to throw around orders and act like you don’t her dirty, then she is to no longer have L in her life

You’re scared to tell her things. She tells you what you’re allowed to do. “Embarassing private stuff”, whatever that means.

You haven’t done anything wrong except failing to set the appropriate tone for your relationship.

Open phone policy: fine
Prohibiting you to talk to her friends because her friend kissed you: she is punishing you for something her friend did. Don’t let het gaslight you into accepting the blame about something you never did.

I think she has over reacted. Your response should be “I will do as you ask, but of course you will get rid of all **your** male friends and show me **your** phone without question. And I never want to see L in my house again.”

Why is she pissed at YOU? You literally didn’t do anything from what you’ve written here. I think it’s time for couple’s counseling to address why she’s blaming you for her friend’s betrayal.

Plot twist…..she’s been cheating on you recently and enlisted her friend to trick you into thinking that it’s you that’s the piece of crap…..based on her reaction it’s textbook manipulation

This is exactly why you should never have told her.

What did you accomplish by telling her? did anything get better in your life? Did anything better in her life?

Come on man

yeah so these are the kinds of instances that show WHY people are afraid to be honest with their partners

It’s absolutely ridiculous how much your wife is overreacting. Yikes

Uuuuh so now I think your wife is cheating.

That is a GROSS overreaction.

Like huge.

Idk if it’s projecting or insecurity or what but that is not a normal reaction

I am low-level concerned at your update. I feel as if this will be held over your head for quite some time and used as a weapon. Please consider therapy.

It seems to me that if she’s demanding an open phone policy from you because of this friend’s actions, then the conversation very much is your business.

First mistake you didn’t tell her immediately second mistake you came her and asked that question when you should of told your wife first thing

NTA but be prepared dor the worst. There is more to the story you are not awarw of between your wife and the friend.

Updateme

You essentially were assaulted… and she’s punishing you for it? I mean yeah you should have told her immediately but still.

YTA

This story man. You’re trying to describe being dominated and pegged by your spouse.

Shitty creative writing.

Her reaction is extreme considering you did nothing wrong. You shouldn’t accept those strict demands. Updateme 

NTA for coming clean but YTA for not having a damn spine. You were the one kissed and her demands are ludicrous

YTA to yourself. Your wife is a manipulative cunt and you are just allowing her treating you like shit.

Anyone else think the wife’s reaction is over the top and something else is a foot? Projection maybe?

What does “Kiss” mean in this context. A Quick pek on your lips or a long Kiss with more involved?

Bro the wife is being suspicious as fuck. I would not be ok with that treatment. Good luck dude.

You weren’t a willing participant. Your wife is majorly over reacting

She’s probably doing something on the side.

Run