Amid the laughter and innocence of childhood, the nanny’s well-meaning intentions clash with the mother’s vision of order and peace, sparking moments of quiet rebellion and emotional strain. It is a poignant glimpse into the struggle to maintain control and harmony, even when love and care are abundant but understanding feels just out of reach.
I have had a nanny for 6 months. For the most part, I like her. She’s great to the kids (18 months and 5). But recently I feel like we’ve had some issues where she’s crossing boundaries.
I don’t mind getting advice but I also feel like my house isn’t being respected.
For example, my kids’ rooms are pretty much toy free outside their comfort objects. I want the room to be a place of rest, not playing. I told my nanny, please don’t let my daughter play in her crib.
She agreed but lately I come home and my daughter is in there with toys. We have a playpen downstairs if she needs to be contained and the nanny is just watching her play. I gently reminded her a few times that I don’t want toys in the bedroom and she said okay, but it’d happen again.
Then on Monday, I saw it and said “hey, let’s take her downstairs” and she snapped at me saying “she just woke up”. I thought that was weird but I let it go, fighting it was an off day.
I recently took my son’s (5) hot wheels tracks away because he was hitting his sister with them. This was a last resort after talking lots and getting nowhere. I put them in the hall closet and said they’d be gone for 2 days, let the nanny know the next day.
She straight up told me she didn’t think that was a good idea. I said I appreciated her advice but that I felt it was the right course of action.
I come home that night and he’s playing with them. I wait until my kids are with my husband to talk to her about it and ask why she undermined my authority. I asked if my son had asked for the tracks or was being mopey.
No, she just felt like he had been good enough to get them back. I sat her down and said I wasn’t happy with how she had been bending rules. She said she just didn’t agree with them.
I asked “who’s employing who here? I need you to back me up”. She got quiet and then left for the day.
Well, today I got a text that she’s quitting. She says me throwing that I was the boss back in her face was an overstep. My husband is saying what I said was wrong too. The kids and I will miss her, but I’m torn.
Am I the asshole?
Many have found my “no toys in bedroom” rule weird. Let me explain.
I used to split it. Half toys in son’s room, half in our playroom. Then he started waking up and playing with toys, rather than sleeping. He got no sleep. So, we moved the toys downstairs and he’s been fine ever since.
They can play in their rooms, but the toys go back downstairs at bedtime. They’re also not just sectioned to the playroom. They play in the den, the kitchen, the yard. They just don’t have toys (outside their favorite stuffed animals) while sleeping.
Most of my children’s day is play. They’re not neglected. They just sleep when it’s time to sleep.
Conclusion
The Original Poster (OP) is facing a conflict where their hired nanny is repeatedly disregarding established household rules regarding child discipline and organization, specifically concerning toys in the children’s rooms and a temporary removal of toys as a consequence. The OP felt compelled to assert their authority by directly questioning the nanny’s judgment and explicitly stating the employment hierarchy, which ultimately led to the nanny resigning.
Was the OP justified in firmly enforcing the employment structure to maintain consistency in their parenting rules, or did the act of explicitly demanding obedience undermine the collaborative relationship necessary for effective childcare? How should parents balance the need for rule consistency with the desire to maintain a respectful working relationship with childcare providers?
Here’s how people reacted:
Personally I’d have fired her earlier, unless getting a replacement in a timely matter wasn’t feasible. If your husband’s position is part of a pattern, I’d consider ditching him before he quits too.
If this was an office setting, you would have documented her going against directives twice, and the third time she got caught not following the rules, she would have been booted.
She was undermining you. Actively. Which means she didn’t respect you, and wasn’t going to listen to you.
You reminded her, by your question, that she was an employee. She could have worked with you, but opted to quit.
Left alone, she could have turned into one of those heavy-handed nannies that belittle the parents to the kids. Be happy she’s gone.
Aside from everything else she is in the wrong for, I really must ask, why is she even putting the baby in the crib to play to begin with? I’ve been a nanny for 15yrs… including twins & 3 under 3 in that time frame…never have a put a child in their crib, to play…. ???
Edit: The only thing I hate coming from parents is when they talk about “we pay you” or “you get money to play” like… fucking, stop that right now. One dad told me “4pm is happy hour for me, but you at least get paid to deal with them”, I hated him the rest of the time I was there. 🤷♀️
I agree she should follow your lead but presumably you hired her because you trust her enough that you dont need to micro-manage her.
I understand giving a toy or two at bed/nap time and then not immedietly whisking a waking child up out of her crib. Would you like someone to do that to you? And instead of immedietly correcting the nanny, maybe trust her to know when your daughter is sufficiently awake and ready to be gotten up.
I dont agree on the train set – she should have backed you up there.
But no one likes to be micromanged.
You’d have been better deciding whether her actions warranted dismissal, and then if necessary warned her that continued disregard for your instructions would result in dismissal.
You are NTA! I check in with any rule, change of schedule, or talking to I might give the kids. Because at the end of the day it doesn’t matter how I would raise them. They’re not my kids. I’m there to help parents raise their kids! I try to stay as close to the parents wishes as possible and bring up any other things I have questions about.
You deserve a new nanny. Also ask about specific rules, styles when interviewing. I asked many questions with my family to make sure we were a fit in how we would treat their kids!
The nanny sucks because she felt like she should be the mother and, yes, she was taking over your house.
You suck because you use the word “contained” in reference to your child. You also suck because you’re passive-aggressively controlling them with that whole “this should be a place of rest” nonsense.
Neither of you sound like you would have budged on the Hot Wheels. It’s a bad fit between the two of you.
Your husband sucks for not backing you up and not understanding the situation.
Non of your requests were unreasonable, and it sounds like you tried to communicate routines and changes to them to her. You’re supposed to be working as a team together, not against one another.
Her opinion on someone else’s parenting isn’t a part of her job, listening to the parents, her employer, and doing what they say is her job
Honestly though, sounds like instead of caretaking and enforcing your parenting choices, she was trying to parenting in her own style. If she hadn’t quit I’d’ve suggested terminating her.
It kind of sounds like you had a third parent in the family. You don’t seem unreasonable, you allowed her to voice her concerns but ultimately as the parent you DO have the final say and she should have respected that. She definitely overstepped some boundaries so you shouldn’t feel bad for her leaving.
Nobody would quit a job in a pandemic due to a single comment… are you a nightmare to work with? Do you under pay her? What are you not telling us?
Edit: fix autocorrect
Unless she believes your kids are in danger, she should not undermine your authority.