My first thought was yes, you are, but there are lots of psychological complexities surrounding pain and fatigue, and unfortunately you’re probably going to get a lot of mixed messages here. I can see you’re aware of coming across as ableist and there is a lot of ableism in the comments already…

I have fibro, among other things. Great stress triggers flares that last at least a day but I am on good meds which help me with my day to day. I have good days and bad days and I often try to push through if it means I get to do something I enjoy, but I can usually pay the price for it. I also meet my partner halfway with chores and household needs, or communicate boundaries if I’m unable to help.

There is the possibility that she is using it as an excuse and creating pain in a self-fulfilling prophecy, however she needs a care plan; if she is too disabled to complete basic household tasks then she needs to look at in-home care. You are not her full time caretaker, you’re her partner. If a lot of her pain is psychosomatic or she’s putting it on, then she needs to speak to medical professionals about her relationship with pain in general.

At the end of the day, if you feel like your partner is deliberately not meeting you halfway, then you are within your rights to express that and vocalised your needs, though I don’t envy you for what could be an explosive confrontation. She may not be ready to admit this even to herself and if you’re not equipped to handle that, then seek help.

NAH

NTA: Hey, person who’s had Fibromyalgia for 10 years now. Flare ups last a few hours to a few days. Speaking from personal experience, unless she has stellar pain medication, it’s not going away to where you can jump up and have an afternoon out with the girls. She would also have a specialist and/therapist to help her manage her condition. Ex. I have a Physical therapist, a GP, and a pain specialist.

It is NOT ableist of you if she is taking advantage and selecting when she has flare ups. This condition gets a bad rap as it is and I hate seeing people use it to be lazy or an asshole. She may be gaslighting you and it’s not fair to use one’s disability to excuse their shitty behaviour. Let it be for the moment and keep a journal of when she has her flares and when she does not. This isn’t a subject to bring up when you’re frustrated or angry.

I’m glad you have been patient in trying to understand her disability as everyone’s pain threshold is different, but I can tell you with certainty it doesn’t magically disappear when you want to do something fun. She would be missing out on things that interest her too.

Edit: I was not meaning GF would have, but rather NEED to have stellar meds and a team to be able to get up and function quickly.

I didn’t have insurance or specialists until I was deemed legally disabled so, I understand not everyone has access and did not want to imply such.

Gentle YTA. There’s evidence to support that fibromyalgia episodes correlate with acute stress, or perceived stress. We don’t fully understand how FM works, but it is linked to deficiency in neurotransmitters and elevated cortisol levels. Its also difficult to treat. If you don’t understand the disease I can understand how you think someone could be faking episodes. It is stressful on loved ones. All that being said, it is not a loving approach you took. Did you expect her to react by saying, “Sure, honey, I’m faking it, I’ll be better?”if you think you’re frustrated, imagine how frustrated she must be not being able to complete her activities of daily living. I would talk about how you’re not trying to dismiss her symptoms but this balance in your relationship makes you feel underappreciated and resentful. Maybe try to lead into if there are more treatment options that can be explored to improve her symptoms and make participation more equal between the two of you.

I have a different but similar auto-immune disorder that often looks like fibro early on. Personally, I’ve never had a flare last an hour or two. Mine are usually several days up to several weeks long. My sister with fibro is often down for a chunk of time as well.

I may do something I want to do regardless of my pain level during a flare, but it’s pretty clear that I’m not feeling 100% while at whatever activity. I can’t imagine rescheduling an interview over my condition. I’d rather they see my commitment to the interview than for them to think I’d be calling out sick frequently because I called out on the interview.

Oh boy…
I’m going to get a bunch of crap, but NTA.
She sounds really comfortable with the stuff she’s doing, which is all fun. Concerts?! Really? That is a huge event that involves a bunch of planning, travel, standing, all before the fun actually starts. But things that ARE important, basic house keeping, job searching, those are the cause of very short flare ups?
I’m really sorry to any sufferers out there, but yeah. I don’t doubt she has the disorder, but I do agree that it all seems far too convenient. Plus that little temper tantrum and silent treatment seems like a toddler move.

NTA. Moving in with someone because they have no where else to go is always the wrong reason.

Read your country’s guidelines on fibromyalgia (usually published by the rheumatologist’s association). The ones I am familiar with do *not* recommend avoidance of all activities deemed undesirable. They *do* recommend many types of *active* therapies.

If she isn’t willing to engage in the proper treatment for her condition, then… time to reevaluate your situation.

Familiarize yourself with the “sick role” and the concept of “secondary gain”. Recognize anyone?

YTA

That comment is seriously hurtful my dude. Stress causes these conditions to flare (work interviews and such) and can impact mental health. The things that keep her going are worth the pain sometimes. I think you need to have a reality check. You’re not the one suffering. And yes maybe sometimes people get in their own head when sick, but maybe talk to her about it in an emotionally accepting place with honesty and empathy. Not like that man.

Whether or not she’s lying or not is irrelevant, there is no way to prove or alleviate your suspicion.

What you do know is she is living rent free and not doing chores, doesn’t have a job and isn’t seeking one.

What you should talk about is her long term plans, see what she wants career wise, if she’s willing to help with bills, chores, etc

She might be telling the truth, and it’s just a deal breaker for you if she can’t work or help provide.

I may be downvoted to bollocks and beyond but NTA. She’s pissed you called her out on it. My sister that same condition but attacks often happen during holidays and when she’s getting ready to go out and so will often either not go or come home early and so the chances of it always happening before chores and interviews but not during fun stuff shows that while she may have it she’s playing on it. Does she work now and pay her way?

Whether Y T A or N T A depends on the medical particulars of your gf’s condition, which none of us may ever know. What I DO know is that you seem to be resentful of your gf’s condition or “condition,” and in particular her inability to hold a job. Whether she’s sick or a faker, you two don’t seem to be compatible in the long term. Consider breaking up sooner rather than later.

Okay, as someone with a chronic condition that affects my day to day life and a boyfriend who deals with it: that makes no sense.
I feel guilty every time I mess up plans or have to change things. It sounds like she’s taking advantage of you and not making a true effort for herself. I’m not sure that’s something a person can change?

So here’s the thing- it’s possible that she might genuinely have flare ups with things that stress her out. But you’re not wrong for addressing it. No matter what we all go through we are ultimately responsible for ourselves at the end of the day, and shouldn’t use supportive relationships as an excuse to opt out.

NTA

YTA

Stress causes pain conditions to flare up.

Physical activities (dishes, chores in general) cause flare ups. Watching movies or tv or sitting down to eat? Not the same. Much less physical activity, much less stress.

It’s not that your comment was “too direct.” It’s that your comment was fucking ignorant.

NTA. I have fibromyalgia and it sucks. I’m so exhausted all the time. I never want to do anything, even the fun stuff. I do work, although not as much as I used to. I do some household chores but I realized I couldn’t do them and work so I hired a cleaning person. I rarely have energy for fun activities.

NTA As someone with fibromyalgia and other immune disorders, a flare isn’t something that comes and goes in a couple of hours. I think the shortest flare I’ve had was two days. The longest lasted over a month.

I hate to judge other people’s level of ability, but this behavior stinks

NTA

However, this relationship is probably not going to work. You haven’t been together that long and it sounds like she hobosexualed her way into your home. If you don’t believe her and you don’t want to care for her for the rest of your life, you should probably end it.

As having watched my mom with fibromyalgia my whole life, there was never a feeling better after a couple hours, it was painful even going down the stairs for weeks. She managed to hold a job but was always in pain

I think if after 6 months if you have doubts about her integrity then it might be time to break up. She could be faking. Or not. But either way you don’t fully trust her and maybe feel like she’s a burden.

NTA

On one hand, stress is a well known trigger for flareups.

On the other hand, flareups typically last the entire day, at the least.

From the perspective of a medical professional, NTA.