But as life demanded his time at a new job, the fragile routine he built began to unravel. Entrusting his daughter to the care of her grandparents, he faced harsh judgment and unexpected truths—his carefully crafted meals rejected, replaced by empty snacks, revealing the silent struggle of a child caught between love, loss, and the confusing world of grown-up expectations.
I’m a widower and have a 6 year old daughter who’s a very picky eater and got worse after her mother’s passing. She loved her mother’s cooking and refused to eat anything that isn’t made by her mother.
I decided to learn to cook her favorite meals that my wife used to cook and my daughter has been loving “my version” of her mother’s cooking.
I recently started working a new job and my MIL started watching my daughter 3 days a week. I have my sister helping so I’m doing good. I prepare meals for my daughter to take with to her grandparents house so my MIL won’t have to worry about what my daughter can and can not eat.
My MIL complained about the meals I send and said I needed to encourge my daughter to eat from a variety of dishes. I already explained how my dahghter is when it comes to food and that I’m already learning new dishes every week so it’s not repetitive.
So last week I discovered that my daughter has been eating only snacks for days at her grandparents house. She told me this and I was confused. I asked about the meals I send with her and she said her grandma would take them from her hand once I leave, throw them in the trashcan then tell her to eat dishes she makes.
My daughter refused and has been only eating snacks at that house.
I was enraged I confronted my MIL and she said that she didn’t find that me sending meals with my daughter was the right thing to do and wanted her granddaughter to eat her cooking and was upset that she refused.
She said it’s my fault her granddaughter doesn’t want to eat certain foods and that I was spoling her rotten with this behavior. I mentioned to her that the meals she threw away were my wifes recipes and that I struggle so hard to provide those meals.
As well as taking time to learn to cook them. She stated I wasn’t doing good job parenting and needed to get a grip because she’s feeling concerned about how spoiled my daughter is being because of me.
I eventually told her I won’t let her watch my daughter from now on and decided to ask my sister for help.
FIL & SIL kept calling me cruel for not letting them see their granddaughter and FIL said that I overreacted and promised to convince his wife to let my daughter eat what she wants as long as she visits but I refused to discuss it because right now I really don’t take what they say face value.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is facing a significant conflict rooted in grief, parenting styles, and respect for boundaries. The OP is trying to comfort his grieving daughter by maintaining the connection to her late mother through food, which requires considerable personal effort. His mother-in-law (MIL), conversely, has prioritized her own desire to cook and assert her preferred parenting standards over respecting the OP’s efforts and the child’s emotional needs.
Is the OP justified in completely cutting off childcare access to his daughter’s grandparents following the deliberate sabotage of his efforts and the child’s established eating routine, or should he reconsider his decision given the importance of grandparent relationships, provided the MIL agrees to strictly follow the established dietary plan?
Here’s how people reacted:
Even if the dishes were repetitive, as long as she is getting the nutrients she needs and she likes them, it’s fine!
Some people are just picky eaters- it could be for a variety of reasons or just who they are.
As a baby, my favorite “mush” was anything orange… fun fact, while I was getting all my nutrients, the amount of orange mush I consumed caused me to get an orange tint around my eyebrows.
Then it was eggs and hotdogs and chicken nuggets. I could scramble some eggs and microwave them, eat hotdogs right out of the packaging, and any chicken nuggets were good.
Theeeen I got sick of those at some point.
I’m “less picky” now, but… it’s not actually that I’m less picky. I still have issues with textures, eggs, sweet potatoes, and hotdogs are no-go, but for the most part I get all the nutrients I need from the foods I DO like, and I enjoy them!
Your daughter’s tastes will change and grow naturally, there’s no reason to push it otherwise she will likely develop MORE of an aversion to these foods.
I used to be forced to eat a variety of things- plain veggies, beans, etc and anything I was FORCED to eat now tends to make me nauseous, it triggers those feelings of frustration and helplessness… meanwhile when I was the one to choose something new, it wasn’t a big deal, I was more likely to try it again later to see if my opinion changed, etc.
Listen to your kid. She’s dealing with a lot- trying to grow, trying to learn, trying to cope with the loss of her mother… the first two are a LOT on their own, because it’s not just growing physically and learning ABC’s, she’s learning how to be a PERSON, with thoughts, feelings, opinions, how to express and voice these things in healthy ways, how to set boundaries…
Hell, I’m 23 and having to work on learning how to enforce boundaries due to how I was raised. It’s hard for me because I’m stuck in my ways, but it’s also hard for her when grandma is trying to trample these boundaries your daughter is setting.
Please, know you’re not the AH, and that you’re doing great by working with your kid, keep doing that, keep listening, keep helping, keep teaching, and be there for her.
Frankly? I would have done exactly what you did. Not only did Gma waste food, but she completely disregarded the boundaries and expectations you and your daughter set for her own beliefs- that is a double dose of disrespect on both of y’all and I’d be just as firm.
Gma wants to act like a petty little child by doing stuff behind your back and causing your daughter to go without proper food? Then she can be put in time out.
EDIT:
I do want to ask!!
Out of curiosity, what does it look like?
Is her diet something like… her favorite food is chicken and these “different dishes” are like… fried chicken, grilled chicken, baked chicken, chicken nuggets, etc
Or is it more like… she has a variety of foods she likes (chicken, Mac n cheese, beans, burgers, etc) and you’re learning how to do new things with these (grilled chicken, Mac n cheese w hotdogs/bacon, different types of beans, different beef dishes)?
I’m not encouraging you to force feed her something new btw- it won’t work out, it could cause more issues, especially if she is neurodivergent and not “just a little picky” but if it is something like “chicken is one of 3 safe foods” I’d also suggest research on that… while I’m not autistic, I have found some brilliant advice in googling things like “how to work around food preferences with autism”
Things like making sure there isn’t some sort of medical issue (like maybe these foods cause extra gas, stomach pain, diarrhea/constipation, mild allergic reactions, etc)
Staying calm, as when you’re stressed, children CAN pick up on it, and that can affect their mood, and then that can affect their appetite, as when I was young I was really dealing with all those “big emotions” and that could upset my stomach. It’s also in regards to understanding that sometimes kids need to try something many times before they get “used” to it. Don’t force it, but kindly encourage them trying new things- “would you like to try a bite?” And respecting their answer. Some have found it’s easier when kids can try different ingredients (if they’re safe) so if you were making a salad, maybe letting her try a carrot, a tiny piece of lettuce, etc. as you explain things like “yeah, lettuce doesn’t taste like much so I probably also wouldn’t eat it on its own, but when we put all these things together, add some chicken, and some ranch, it tastes really good!”
And in line with that second half, even letting them do “silly” things like giving a tiny piece a lick instead of fully eating it, touching it, smelling it, etc helps these things be less “new” cause even when I did like sweet potatoes… sweet potato fries confused me for a bit till I got used to the fact that while they’re called fries, look like fries, are salted like fries… they taste NOTHING like fries!!! (Had a similar incident with “popcorn” shrimp, at least my parents thought it was funny!)
If anything comes down to texture, pay attention to what textures are a no-go, and in what situations these are a no go. Some people don’t care how a vegetable is cooked as long as it tastes good… others don’t like mushy vegetables. Some ONLY like soft vegetables cause some have a… hmm, almost “woody” texture when they’re raw.
The biggest thing for any kid, with anything really, is giving choices. Obviously, not like “okay, do you want chicken or cake for dinner?” Or “it’s snowing outside, do you want to wear your snow suit or your bathing suit?”
But options like “so, would you like chicken or beef/grilled chicken or hamburgers/carrots or green beans?” Options that are equally or close to equally healthy, but still letting the kid pick. It also isn’t a bad idea to listen to suggestions when possible. Maybe the kid doesn’t want carrots or green beans… but peas would be okay, and those are also healthy.
So first of all let me say that I think you’re doing an amazing job as a Dad especially one in a super hard situation and I can not express how sorry I am you and your daughter lost her mother. Most people would not make the effort to learn to make those meals and continue to learn, that is incredible. Food is such a personal thing and can have so many sense memories and I’m not surprised that the food has been a part of your little ones grief process. She is so young to be without her mother and I cannot believe that your MiL is being so insensitive,
So 1000 percent you’re NTA. Not only is her throwing away the food a waste of money, but also your time, and it’s detrimental to your daughter’s nutrition as well. Isn’t it better for her to eat the home cooked meals than snacks all day? Wouldn’t the better option be to have her eat the packed meals and then slowly introduce other foods over time when she’s a little bit more well adjusted? For gods sake the kid has been through enough.
This probably has deeper complex layers I am sure, and I hope that she comes around or at least bare minimum doesn’t keep throwing away and wasting food. Hopefully normalcy will reign soon. Lots of love and light to you
Mil should not be throwing away meals and then feeding snacks. It would be reasonable to tell you she didn’t need the meals if she was able to prepare meals for your daughter and have her eat them. Exposure to new foods is good and many times I’ve found my kids will try new foods with other people so it’s something worth trying….. but not if it ends in snacks all day as opposed to a real meal.
Not allowing your daughter to see her grandparents is not right though. She lost her mother, don’t cut her off from loving family over something like this.
I’m sorry for your loss and you sound like a great dad!
Your MIL is the AH. Your FIL and SIL are Co-AHs.
You’re not overreacting. Your MIL crossed the line. This is *your* daughter, not *hers*. She had zero rights to make these decisions for you. You have every right to not take what they say at face value. Your MIL went behind your back.
You have every right to not feel comfortable with your daughter staying with them. If you wish to make the time to take her to visit, but you would need to be there with her.
One thing I would suggest, depending upon where you live, see if there are grandparents rights. They could, potentially, sue you for visitation.
You and your daughter are grieving. If having your wife’s meals helps your child, then what’s the harm?
Your MIL is being mean and cruel. She doesn’t get to decide to waste your food. You worked hard to provide sustenance for your daughter without inconveniencing MIL. Instead of being grateful, she is being controlling!
Don’t let your daughter over there any more. Grief takes time and everyone is different.
Your MIL owes you a sincere apology.
Im also baffled that they are ok with letting the kid eat snacks but not actual meals… they are the ones doing a bad job not you.
You have every right to stop making them babysit her.
Edit: forgot to say this, but an apology is only the first step to rebuilding trust
First of all, it’s food waste – unacceptable. Second, there are better ways to convince the kid to eat different food.
Third, your daughter might really use some therapy…
Grandma is way more in the wrong because she should have actually talked to you first but she definitely has a point.