Caught between the relentless demands of ambition and the aching need for connection, he faces a painful crossroads. Promises are made and broken, schedules shattered, and the weight of disappointment presses down, leaving him torn between heart and duty.
I have been studying for a very important test each night for the past few weeks. I usually wait until after dinner before I start, which usually is around 9 – 10 PM, and then I will work until 1 -3 AM.
It depends on how much I get done.
My wife doesn’t usually go to bed until 11 PM, and at that time of night she likes to be close to me and cuddle, so she has been coming into my office and hanging out with me while I work.
This was fine for a few days, but then it seemed like every night she would go from cuddling me to trying to make out with me and have sex. More often than not we would and my schedule would suffer as a result.
I asked her not to keep doing this because she knows it’s hard for me to turn her down, and she promised she would stop, but she didn’t and the same pattern repeated itself.
I have fallen behind my schedule now by a lot, and I have asked her to please not do this anymore if she is going to come into my office. She swore to me again she would not try to initiate, and she still did.
I didn’t know what else to do since talking to her failed, so tonight when I went into my office to study I locked the door. When tried to come in like she normally does and found out it was locked she asked me to open the door and I refused.
We had about a 45 minute conversation through the door before she finally went away in tears.
I feel like the worst person in the world for making her so sad, but I don’t know what else to do. She says she understands my issue and will do better, but she doesn’t. I can’t keep doing this for the next few months, so if she can’t stop herself the only solution I have is to lock her out.
AITA?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is facing significant stress due to the conflict between their critical study schedule and their wife’s desire for physical intimacy late at night. The OP feels trapped, believing that maintaining their necessary study commitment requires them to enforce strict physical separation, leading to feelings of guilt when they upset their wife.
Given that verbal agreements repeatedly failed to establish necessary boundaries, was locking the office door the only remaining viable option to protect the OP’s academic future, or did this action represent an unfair escalation that damaged the relationship trust? Where should the balance lie between a partner’s need for connection and the necessity of dedicated personal work time?
Here’s how people reacted:
So I’m not saying that this is you, but I would definitely reflect over how much/little time you are spending with your partner and if that is actually quality time. Therefore I’m not going to leave a judgement either, as I there might be a lot unsaid here, especially from her perspective.
The fact that she literally doesn’t listen to him trying to deny her advances and starts crying when she can’t get what she wants is messed up, period. I get that you want to be intimate with your partner and it can be straining to not have that for a while, but this does not excuse her behaviour. And for anyone who would say but OP might like it, NO means NO, I don’t give a damn that he enjoys sex with his wife if he says no it doesn’t matter that he enjoys it. His wife is borderline ignoring if he consents or not.
Worst of all OP now feels bad for something he shouldn’t feel bad for, not wanting to have sex with someone or not wanting to be intimate with them for a bit is not something you should feel bad for and doesn’t need an excuse, and if an excuse would be required OP got a really good one a test that’s notoriously hard and can break his career if he fails.
In conclusion NTA and please after this is all done talk with your wife about boundaries and consent or rather her lack of respect for those.
*Edit: Quickly want to add that depending on your location, what this woman is doing is legally classified as rape.
The bar is hard. When you pass, your life changes dramatically financially. So you’re doing something for your family’s future. It takes discipline and sacrifice. You’ve communicated that to your wife.
In turn, she can’t respect your extremely reasonable boundary (studying after dinner/spending time with her). To make it worse, she is attempting to bust into your office. You spent time talking to her when you should have been studying. But she got the attention she needed.
Overall her need for attention is interrupting your studying. That’s not fair to your family. She should see the importance of this for everyone. The inability to compromise is a huge red flag.
You are NTA. It may be helpful to schedule some date time so that she knows she will have your undivided attention for an hour or so at least once a week – something she can look forward to. If this is new behavior, has something happened recently make her feel insecure and in need of reassurance and contact? If her ignoring your boundaries is not new behavior, then she is definitely TA. Either way, you may want to consider whether counseling is in order.
And keep locking that door. I am sure that both her future and yours will benefit from you being able to focus.
Your wife is not being loving, she’s being selfish & controlling. And using sex to do it. Why does she think it’s ok to not respect your boundaries, especially when you’ve asked several times?
She needs to grow up and understand that she’s not entitled to your attention 24/7. School is expensive and trying to study, work and have a relationship requires a fine balance. It’s not forever and in the end it benefits both of you.
She needs to stop being so needy, stop using sex as a weapon to distract you from your studies and respect your requests. Requiring a 45 minute conversation to explain why you locked the door then crying about it for the rest of the night sounds like you’re living with a 4 year old.
NTA and she needs to understand how important this is, especially if it’s something like the bar or boards. That said, it’s got to be hard to go to bed alone every night. Do you think you could talk to her and see if she’d be okay with one night a week or so where you could commit to some intimacy?
**Edit: Others made a really good argument about the massive violations of consent and I no longer stand by my original posts and apologize.**
**I removed the others but will leave this as it became a top comment, so as not to disrupt the flow or make any of the other people’s replies below it not make sense.**
As far as “it must be hard for her to fall asleep without cuddling” goes, she’s an adult. What if you were travelling? How would she fall asleep then?
Spend time with her during the day, and make time for intimacy during the week. But she needs to respect your boundaries regarding your studying time and you should not feel guilty about that.
Idk how old she is but sounds like some 20 ish immature girlfriend shit. I grew out if it, hopefully she does too if you stay with her. Be strong or she will keep doing it, the tears are for attention.
So lemme get this straight. She is ignoring your boundaries, ignoring you saying “no”, and in doing so, is actively fucking up your chance to bass the Bar.
Controlling, manipulative, and coercive. OP, this is not ok. You guys need to have a serious talk about her not respecting your boundaries.
Imagine if the genders were reversed.