Her heart aches with betrayal, realizing that the foundation she trusted was built on manipulation. What she thought was support was merely a challenge in his eyes, and her genuine care was reduced to a pass-or-fail exam. The man she loved didn’t see a partner—he saw a test subject.
I (28F) have been dating my boyfriend, “Jake” (31M), for two years. Things have been going great—or so I thought. Recently, we started discussing moving in together, and I was really excited.
We even started looking at places.
Then, last week, Jake dropped a bombshell. He admitted that before committing to moving in, he wanted to “test” me to see if I was “serious enough” about our relationship. What was this test, you ask?
He *pretended* to lose his job and “needed” financial help for rent.
He told me he had been “fired” two months ago, which wasn’t true. During those two months, I stepped up. I gave him money, helped him job hunt, cooked for him more often, and tried to be as supportive as possible.
It wasn’t easy, but I thought I was helping my partner during a tough time.
Now he’s telling me it was all fake—a “loyalty test” to make sure I was the kind of partner he could depend on long-term. He even laughed and said, “You passed with flying colors!” Like I should be proud of being lied to for two months.
I was furious. I told him I couldn’t trust him anymore and that I wouldn’t move in with someone who thinks it’s okay to manipulate me. He’s been calling me “overly sensitive” and says he was just trying to protect himself from ending up with someone who wouldn’t have his back.
Some of our mutual friends are on his side, saying he “just wanted to be sure,” but others think he crossed a line. My mom even said, “Well, at least now you know he feels secure with you.”
Now I’m doubting myself. AITA for refusing to move in with him after what he did?
Conclusion
The original poster experienced a significant breach of trust when her boyfriend orchestrated a months-long deception under the guise of job loss to gauge her commitment. Her reaction of anger and refusal to move forward reflects a justifiable feeling of betrayal, standing in direct conflict with her partner’s manipulative actions and his subsequent minimization of her feelings.
Is the poster wrong for ending the trust required for cohabitation because her partner intentionally used deception and emotional manipulation as a prerequisite for commitment, or is the boyfriend justified in viewing this as a necessary, albeit unorthodox, measure to ensure long-term partnership security?
Here’s how people reacted:
Tell him he flunked YOUR test because he couldn’t be honest with you.
While this test showed you were a dependable partner and someone he could trust, it also showed what a user he can be, how easily he could lie to you for such a long time and how little respect he has for your time.
Why would you want to be with someone like that?
I think the mutual friends siding with him were probably also in the confidence and are actually protecting themselves while siding with him. It must have been really funny to watch you struggle from the sideline… Those aren’t friends.
How would he have reacted if you told him “Honey, you know that girl that hit on you last week? She was a friend of mine, I set this up to test your fidelity… guess what… you failed when you gave her your number and promised to call her… fuck off and get out of my house!”?
NTA, these so-called tests are bullshit, and to me an immediate ground for a break-up. Fuck him and his “tests”
YTA.
Why would you have doubts because of what your idiot friends and idiot mother say? That’s being a doormat. And clearly, your soon-I-hope-to-be-ex is looking for a doormat.
Your life, your choice. If you wanna be a doormat for the rest of your life, you’ve found the perfect relationship for it.
He failed to his own test
He needed to test you, means he doesn’t trust you. What else would he be able to do in the future ? Smash your face with the wedding cake to test your humor ? Cheating on you to test your ability to forgive him ?
Two months ! He lied for two months ! And he is proud of himself ! Run far and fast !
Maybe try testing him by going out a few dates to compare how other guys treat you to make sure he is treating you right!
Hilarious.
Women give men shit tests all the time and it is a hoot to see the reaction when the shoe is on the other foot.
But kudos to you, you passed the test, but I suspect many women would not.
When the money goes, so do a lot of them.
I NEVER recommend living together anyway.
So now you know he will commit fraud to get what he wants. What will you do with that information.
NTA.
Your mom is very wrong.
I’d dump his ass, that’s disgusting.
So many red flags 🚩 here….leave his arse!! You deserve someone who will treat you right
Also get your money back.
You’re his girlfriend, not a job applicant. Also, did he pay you back? What a twat.
Info: when is he gonna pay you back for his “test”?
NTA