Haunted by the scene, the paramedic carried the sorrow home, replaying the heart-wrenching encounter again and again in his mind. The silence of the rest of the shift mirrored the profound sadness that would linger long after the sirens faded.
I’m a 29M and I’ve been in EMS for almost 7 years, but I’ve only been a paramedic on a department for about a year. Now onto the story.
This happened a few shifts ago. We got a call at 0600 for a pediatric full arrest. When we got on scene, my heart dropped. The parents said that they put their 6mo to bed last night and then went to bed.
When dad was about to leave for work, he opened the door to see his baby before leaving and noticed that the baby wasn’t breathing.
I stood there for a minute thinking about how I was going to tell these new parents the bad news. The baby was cold to the touch, pale, and lividity had set in… their baby died in the middle of the night.
I tried to convey my sympathy to them and told them that it wasn’t their fault and tragedies like this happen. The parents were understandably inconsolable.
The rest of the shift was silent. When I got home, I kept running that conversation with the parents in my head over and over again. I called up my friend and asked him if I could come over to talk.
I went to his apartment and we talked for hours about it. I was just an emotional wreck because this was my first infant death. He tried to get me through this as best he could, but then his fiancé came home from work.
She came in the front door and instantly started complaining that she had the “worst day ever” because a customer gave her attitude.
When she walked into the living room and saw me, she said “I had a bad day and I don’t want people over so you need to leave right now.” When my friend said that something terrible happened to me at work she looked at him and said “All he does is sit around, watch TV, and play Xbox.
How terrible can it be?” My friend and I were stunned. She kept going on and on about how I basically do 10 minutes of work on my 24hr shifts and she works so much harder than me. I was already in a bad place emotionally and hearing her say all those things just made my blood boil.
I finally looked her in the eyes, and said “You don’t know what a bad day even looks like! You were mildly annoyed for 5 minutes and that’s it. I had to look 2 new parents in the eyes and tell them that their baby died last night while they were sleeping!
Just the THOUGHT of knowing they called us to save their baby and I was powerless to do anything kills me inside, but I know that, no matter how bad I feel, they are feeling much much worse.
Now tell me, do YOU still think you’re having a bad day?” And then I stormed out.
My friend called me a few days later to check up on me. I was doing better by then and had more time to process everything. He went on to say that he had a long talk with his fiancé about what happened and said that what I told her really messed with her.
She has been crying on and off since I left. I feel like I may be the AH because I lashed out at her in rage and I could have handled that better. So AITA?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) experienced a deeply distressing first pediatric death as a new paramedic, leading to significant emotional distress that they sought to share with a friend. The central conflict arose when the friend’s fiancé invalidated the OP’s trauma by minimizing the severity of their professional experience compared to her minor workplace frustrations, leading the OP to react with intense, confrontational anger.
The core question is whether the OP’s explosive reaction, though fueled by genuine trauma and provocation, was an appropriate way to handle the situation, or if they failed to maintain emotional control despite the fiancé’s callousness. Can one justify lashing out when one’s deepest professional grief is met with such profound disrespect?
Here’s how people reacted:
You both need to stop.
She’s allowed to have ***her*** worst day ever. She’s allowed to come home and not want to see unexpected visitors no matter the reason because it’s ***her home***. The only thing she did wrong was laying in to you about what she perceives your lifestyle to be and insulting it so vehemently.
You don’t get to tell anyone they don’t know what a bad day is. Just because you’ve experienced something you perceive as worse doesn’t mean their worst day isn’t valid. That’s ***their*** experience and you need to remove that opinion and mentality from your life, period.
You also have zero right to dump your day on anyone else without their consent. You **literally** used the death of a baby to one-up someone, invalidate them and dress them down for insulting you. That’s a brand new level of disturbing I just cannot accept. It’s truly reprehensible.
You both need to grow tf up, start treating people how you want to be treated and most importantly learn to ***think before you speak***.
It’s the worst when it’s kids. Your friend’s fiancé needs to learn how to read the fucking room. The fact she was trying to one-up you and went as far as to insult your work is just… gross.
You expressed your feelings to her during an emotional (and pretty fucking traumatic) time, and you did not personally attack or insult her. She’s feeling guilty and embarrassed for her lack of empathy. I hope she’s learned from this.
Your buddy is a good guy. And on another note, maybe take advantage of some mental health resources if your company offers them. You don’t have an easy job, and with a therapist you can just word vomit your feelings and work through them properly.
First of all, can people please stop comparing bad days/grief like its a fucking contest? Just because you had a bad day, doesnt mean she isn’t allowed to vent.
Second of all, you went on your whole rant before she even knew what you went through. You acted like she was diminishing your trauma when she had no idea what you even went through.
> “All he does is sit around, watch TV, and play Xbox. How terrible can it be?” My friend and I were stunned. She kept going on and on about how I basically do 10 minutes of work on my 24hr shifts and she works so much harder than me
She is an asshole for shitting on your job over all though.
I was initially leaning towards YTA from the title, but the way his fiance acted towards you and the things she said were really shitty and inconsiderate, after your friend told her that something awful had happened she just completely dismissed this and assumed that wasn’t possible and that she obviously had a much worse story to tell.
I also know that trauma and witnessing death can really mess with a person so that probably added to you lashing out in the way that you did. She sucks and she shouldn’t have made so many assumptions about your job and your day at work… If you ask me she needed that reality check.
A lot of people don’t know where paramedics etc go through.
On the other hand , because of that, a lot of people always think they have the worst day ever (even though it’s something small like an attitude of a customer). I do think the fiancé should’ve take a step back when your friend told her something worse happened to you.
If you’re ready maybe you can talk with your friends fiancé just keep it neutral. Don’t blame her and she shouldn’t blame you. If not maybe talk with your friend first.
I wish you all the luck and thank you for your hard work!
You need to speak to a professional about the stress of your job. Because something like this could make you lose your job and open your group to a lawsuit.
I get that she possibly had a hard day at work, and if she had just said, “Sorry, I had a tough day and need to go be alone and decompress,” I could understand that. She didn’t. She was utterly rude and disrespectful to you, and you (very understandably) told her what you thought of her and your shift. It’s good that she’s been crying like that. It may give her some insight into what a self-absorbed, rude, and snotty twerp she acted like, and maybe she can find some redeeming qualities in herself afterward. Her response is not your problem.
If she is really having such a bad time then she should call you and apologize. why did she think an EMT does 10 min of work a day? did she not know what you job is?
It hurt her, but it burnt off a bad part of her personality, and because she didn’t allow herself to deny her fault, she will be a better person.
Don’t mention it again. Your friend was a good guy, and she has learnt something important hopefully.
Your reaction was totally normal, you are human , you have the right to feel sad and to let your emotions get the better of you in those type of situation.
These are crocodile tears to try and shift the blame on you for upsetting her.
On a different note, I hope you’re ok and getting support through your work. I used to do your job albeit 10 years + ago and we had helplines for counselling that were super helpful at times like this.
I hope you are doing better and bless you for all that you do.