When it was time for the surgery to begin, the OP found herself completely alone, as her husband could not be located. After the procedure, she woke up in recovery still alone and increasingly worried until the hospital staff informed her that she would be unable to leave until the storm lockdown ended. The situation reached a breaking point when the husband finally arrived hours later, bringing roses, only to admit he had been at a bar eating a burger. The OP is now deeply conflicted about her husband’s lack of support during this critical time.
I had to have a lumpectomy on one of my breasts due to cancer. My husband took me to the hospital for the procedure and left to go “run errands.” I had never had this procedure done before, and finding out I had cancer was a scary thing.
He said he’d be right back while they were prepping me for surgery. Once I was ready and waiting to go into surgery, the nurse asked if I wanted my husband to come sit with me until it was time to go in.
I said yes, but she came back and said she couldn’t find him. I sat in the room by myself for an hour, and he still didn’t show. I went into surgery without any reassurance from him, no kiss on the cheek with an “I love you” or “everything will be okay.” It was such a lonely feeling and I was wishing that I had brought my mom with me instead.
The procedure was done within an hour, and I was in the recovery room. Once my anesthesia wore off, I was awake and realized my husband STILL had not returned. At this point, I was really getting worried.
The nurse said he wasn’t answering his phone, and she seemed irritated that he wasn’t there. The nurse went on to give me post surgery directions, which I was only half listening to because I was still kind of out of it, plus with my increasing worry of where the hell my husband was.
The nurse comes in after a half hour and says, “sweetie, we are still trying to call him, but if he doesn’t get here soon, you won’t be able to leave. There is a big storm coming in, and this wing will be on lockdown until the storm passes.” I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes.
I just wanted to go HOME.
Ten more minutes go by and he waltzes in with a dozen roses, like he was the most thoughtful husband ever. When I asked where he was, he told me he was at the bar because he was hungry for one of their delicious burgers.
I told him that I had been waiting alone throughout the whole ordeal, and that he should have been there for me. He said he was sorry and held out the roses. I told him he could take the roses and shove it, and that I was never having him come with me during a medical procedure ever again, because he SUCKED.
I was getting part of my breast removed while he had a tasty burger and a beer? WTH?????? Tears streamed down my face the entire ride home.
Conclusion
The OP is clearly hurt and angry because her husband failed to provide essential emotional support during a frightening and significant medical event. Her husband’s decision to prioritize a casual meal over being present for her surgery and immediate recovery showed a profound lack of consideration for her needs during a crisis.
The core issue is whether the husband’s complete absence and subsequent trivial excuse justify the OP’s decision to completely withdraw trust in him for future medical support. Should the OP trust his late apology and flowers, or is his documented failure to be present a sign of a deeper problem regarding his reliability in times of need?
Here’s how people reacted:
It’s extremely important that your designated health care proxy can be reached by phone if they don’t hang out for the entire procedure.
Your husband sounds really clueless and he’s definitely unreliable. I’d have a talk with him about your expectations going forward.
Like, don’t leave until wife is waving goodbye from a stretcher, and being wheeled off to surgical theater. Have volume up and phone out if going to get food.
If prescriptions haven’t been picked up yet, and it’s a day procedure, when she’s actually in surgery and under anesthesia is the time to get them – as long as you can make it back in time.
If a procedure is long, it’s okay to pop out for refreshments or errands, but health proxy’s presence when wife is going in and waking up are extremely important.
Also, get the flowers delivered. That way, wife can enjoy looking at them when she’s comfortably settled at home.
Even simple surgeries come with risk and he full on made excuses and left. I’ll be honest, I wouldn’t be surprised if he planned to do this from the beginning and just figured you’d be too out of it from surgery to notice and all you’d remember is that he brought you flowers – how lovely.
He ignored his phone – he didn’t not hear it or anything. He purposefully IGNORED it. Because when someone you care about is in the middle of surgery and you cannot be there, you keep that phone with you on tenderhooks for updates.
He clearly couldn’t have cared less what happened to you, he just saw it as a couple of hours of solo leisure time.
Personally I’d have had a nurse tell him when he finally came back that there had been complications and really make him feel like shit.
Either way, your husband is a douche and you are 100% right to be pissed. I can’t even imagine what you were and still are going through! Finding out you have cancer is one thing but going to the surgery alone is another! I am so sorry that this happened to you and I wish you all the best!
But you need to think about your marriage and how you are going to move forward. I would not be able to forgive my husband if he did something like that. But maybe you could and maybe therapy may help. You need to be very open and honest with your husband about what he has done and how it made you feel. I know you don’t want to be on your own but maybe few days with family or friends away from him may help you think about your priorities because it doesn’t seem to me that you are your husband’s priority.
All the best and heal quick!
NTA
Is interesting the surgery was even done. At the facility where I work, it is made clear that every patient must have a person with them who is to stay on property until the patient leaves. It’s for the patient’s comfort as well as the facility’s safety. What if you didn’t understand the post surgery instructions? What if something had gone horribly wrong during the procedure and someone had needed to be present for you and, if needed, to make any decisions on your behalf?
Your husband is an idiot and he potentially put your health at risk. Hopefully that burger was worth it. And don’t let him gaslight you into thinking his actions were okay because “but nothing happened!”
Good luck!
UpdateMe
I’m also sending you lots of hugs and good wishes for the cancer. That is an enormously scary thing. But I hope the news on the surgery is good and I hope that your recovery is assured.
Omg, I’m so sorry for you.
I hope he’s not doing the weaponized incompetence thing to get out of going to medical appointments with you. Cancer is a big deal. I hope you caught it early and the treatments aren’t too bad on you. NTA.
I’m sorry to say it, but he’s got something tasty going on and it’s not a burger, babe. They’re not guilt flowers bc he doesn’t feel guilty. They’re “I came back with flowers, so you have no right to be mad flowers.”
Either hes a boneheaded idiot, or a selfish asshole. I cant imagine in a million years doing that to my wife.
I can imagine thinking I’m doin something thoughtful and fucking It up badly, but in no way can i imagine thinking hanging out at the bar while my wife is having surgery as thoughtful. Holy crap, this isn’t accidental, this is thoughtless.
Yeah no. He was out fuckin
And honestly, even if he wasn’t, this is the biggest red flag to ever red flag and you should go stay with your mom while you recover and start contacting lawyers.
What if there had been an emergency and life-altering decisions had to be made?
What was he doing that he thought red roses would hide?
Nothing adds up.
Trust was broken. Big time.
.
You’d be better off not relying on him for anything of importance – and if that’s the case, why keep him around?
I know people on Reddit jump to divorce, but divorce him
ETA nta
Lady, you could have died and he wouldn’t have known.
NTA