The older children reported feeling intensely anxious, fearing they would be sent back to their mother or become homeless if they made any mistake. This fear has caused them to be worn down trying to be perfect, leading them to suggest moving out themselves to protect the younger siblings, which has caused the OP significant distress and doubt about the future.
All four of my kids are ok and with me. Amanda is still at her parents house. My older two kids have told me some disturbing things that they’ve been feeling since moving in full-time.
It took me a while to get it out of them. They said they’ve been uneasy and have felt like if they put a single toe out of line they’d be forced to go back to their moms or be homeless.
They’ve been trying to be good and perfect and nice and they’re getting worn down. They say they don’t know what changed in Amanda because she used to love them and be kind to them and I didn’t have a good answer but I told them it wasn’t their fault.
My son said he’s worried that she’ll tell the younger ones lies about them or something else and they were uncomfortable being around the kids even though they love them. My daughter again offered to move back to her moms if Liam can stay which broke my heart.
Liam said they would live with my parents “if they’d have them” which hurt even more. I told them they weren’t going anywhere. They said they know how upset I was after the divorce and don’t want that but I told them repeatedly my marriage wasn’t their problem to worry about.
Meanwhile Amanda has been texting me non-stop. I’ve not been responding unless it was about Eliza and Becca. She has said some incredibly cruel things about me, my older two kids, and our relationship.
Basically telling me my kids just want us to break up just like their stepdad and I shouldn’t let them win. Calling them spoiled and entitled and smart asses who would ruin my life if I keep letting them.
I obviously ignored that but between all this texted me a list she wrote of her ‘non-negotiables’ for her to move back in. They were all pretty deranged, except one did say she wanted cameras put up in common areas.
Which I’ve already decided on and ordered. But other than that she demanded:
– cutting sage and Liam out of the will as they will get money from their mom. Which is insane and also it’s hot like we’re talking expecting to be able to leave much to anyone?
– the house is the one I had bought with my ex wife, she wants to sell it and buy one to start fresh.
I want to point out that when we got together I told her I was definitely going to be staying in this house until my kids went to college since it’s their childhood home. And now it’s our girls childhood home so I won’t be leaving.
– they would need to find somewhere else to live when they turn 18.
Also insane because she knows I think that’s trashy and they turn 18 the middle of their senior years.
– she did not want to have to do anything with my older kids, including family events, dinners, and vacations.
And yes that would mean excluding my oldest from any family vacations, pictures, all of that.
– she does not want *her* (our) daughters around sage or Liam
– she wants veto power over any ‘extra’ time or money id be spending on sage and Liam to ‘make sure things stay fair’
– probably the most deranged one was that she wants half of the child support their mom is sending (which is in the five figures every month) put into a retirement account in only her name.
It was immature but I just did the haha thing to that text and she’s sent some other bs texts to piss me off. I talked to my father in law earlier today when he picked up/ dropped off the younger girls from church.
He seemed annoyed with the whole situation and referred to it as ‘Amanda’s little tantrum’. Originally the girls were going to go home with them but they threw a fit. Luckily I’m off work this week to be with them.
The sad thing is that Sage and Liam have been avoiding the younger girls which is devastating for them but I’m trying to work on explaining everything right now.
I did find a therapist for my kids this week. It’s out of pocket but obviously I can’t wait longer.
I don’t know what Amanda is up to. She FaceTimed the girls earlier but I don’t talk to her. I don’t know how fixable this is. I told her if she wanted therapy I’d set it up and she was emphatic that was not necessary.
I told her that was my non-negotiable lol.
So not a great update but it’s nice to get feedback. I might not update much if things go the way I think they’re going, but i have to do what I have to do.
Conclusion
The Original Poster is now managing significant emotional fallout, having learned that their older children feel unsafe and are sacrificing their well-being to maintain stability. This contrasts sharply with Amanda’s extreme demands for reconciliation, which focus almost entirely on controlling assets and separating the existing family units.
The core question becomes whether the OP can reconcile a partnership that requires the alienation and emotional sacrifice of existing children, or if prioritizing the stability and mental health of all four children necessitates ending the relationship entirely. Is the proposed arrangement recoverable, or is it fundamentally incompatible with a healthy family structure?
Here’s how people reacted:
I want to say kudos to you for standing by your kids. They don’t even know (and should never have to find out) how important and meaningful that is. I get the impression from you that it’s just a given that you would, and that makes you a great dad, but it’s not as universal and automatic as it should be.
I posted in your last post about how throwing kids out once they’re legally adults does a lot of harm to your relationship with them. Sadly I know that first hand.
I have no idea if your wife will get over herself and take positive steps to reconcile (therapy REALLY should be one of them though). I will say that your wife as she is behaving right now is not bringing positivity to your life or the life of any of your children. If nothing changes, you’re all better off if she stays with her parents and away from your kids. Hopefully it doesn’t come to that.
You’re going to be fine as long as you stay the safe harbor all four of your children can come home to. Even if an ACTUAL real conflict arises between your kids, if everyone is willing to meet each other in the middle with honesty and respect, you’ll get through it.
Keep us posted. We’re rooting for you and your kids.
I think Amanda fell into a mind-trap of scarcity mindset. She seems convinced that your children take resources from her and the children you share with her. It’s so common in stepparents and stepsiblings it’s not even funny. I’ve never been able to put a name to it until now, but that’s what it is. The fact that all of her demands seem to be focused on money and “making sure everything is fair” tells me she sees Sage and Liam as competition and she doesn’t want to appear the loser.
I am so sorry this is happening and in the middle of the holidays. Good job reassuring your kids. I pray things settle down for you and your family soon. Wishing you and especially Sage and Liam all the peace and prosperity in 2025!
And of course, updateme
“the house is the one I had bought with my ex wife, she wants to sell it and buy one to start fresh. I want to point out that when we got together I told her I was definitely going to be staying in this house until my kids went to college since it’s their childhood home. And now it’s our girls childhood home so I won’t be leaving.”
In some states the house you own before you married is your personal property. It is NOT marital property. If you sell it to buy a house with her that house will be marital property and she will have a claim to it in a divorce.
Have you wondered why your 4 yo is going through a biting phase? Because at 4 yo, that phase is not developmentally appropriate. However, if your wife is home with these children, she is the primary caregiver and her parenting may have caused this issue. I realize I’m making a ton of assumptions, but… where’s there’s smoke and all.
Good luck. You also need to reach out to an attorney.
Document everything she says and does. It would be beneficial to record any of her communication with your kids. Cameras around the house can record that if you get ones with audio.
Also record yourself talking to your kids after they see or speak to your wife (hopefully soon-to-be-ex), and have them tell you what was talked about.
You aren’t gathering ammunition to go after your wife. You are gathering evidence to use to protect your children from her.
Please protect your children.
Proceed with the separation/divorce. Stop waiting time and protect all of them from her.
And yes she should get therapy but don’t go back to her. She’s going to mistreated your children if she’s able to be close to them
This situation is so far past fixing it’s not even funny.
Her demands seem totally insane and would tear apart and make things really difficult the rest of your family, including the younger daughters.
I just don’t see how this could be salvaged, even if she backs off on all the insane demands it just seems totally toxic. Even her father thinks she’s crazy, that’s saying something.
It sucks, but you need to look out for you and the kids and that means letting Amanda go!!!
This is a typo, right? You are certainly not getting 10s of thousands of dollars every month for child support.
She’s a doozy and nothing you want to keep in your kids lives or yours.
Great parenting. You’re admirable.
She… is not.