As they prepare for a family trip that excludes her children, the mother faces the painful reality of being an outsider in the life she hopes to build. With the weight of judgment and exclusion pressing down, she stands resilient, determined to protect her daughters’ place in a world that seems reluctant to embrace them fully.
I 33F am a mother of 2 girls (7&5) their dad passed away from cancer and it was a very devastating loss for both his and my family.
I met my now fiance “JACK” , 36M 2 years ago. He’s very sweet and adores both my daughters equally. However, his mom has a bit of a harsh view on single moms especially with how low my income is compared to his (He’s a doctor).
I tried my best to have a good, respectful relationship with her and she has started to respond positively. though I noticet that she’d excluded my girls a number of times from a number of ocassions.
FMIL informed us of a 3-day family trip that is dedicated for adults only. She said it’s because it involved going to the bar and doing activities that aren’t child-friendly. She told me I needed to leave my daughters with someone before Jack and I could come and I immediately had my sistet come and stay with them at home.
The trip was supposed to be by plane, 3hr flight. We were late but Jack said he intended to arrive late so we wouldn’t have to wait for long. I saw his mom and dad there. we talked as we waited for SIL & BIL.
I then saw them coming towards us with their 3 kids behind. I was confused, I looked at FMIL and she avoided eye contact. I immediately asked SIL why she brought her kids and wether she was aware that this wasn’t child-friendly trip.
SIL & her husband looked confused and said there was no such thing but I told them that what FMIL told me and I didn’t bring my girls. SIL didn’t say anything but her husband told me that FMIL must’ve lied and told me this story to prevent me from bringing the girls (BIL adores my girls and he too sees how inappropriate FMIL is behaving) SIL yelled at him.
and I lashed out at both Jack and FMIL and called her horrible then I walked off. Jack told me to hold on for a minute but I canceled my ticket and went home.
The family had to get on the plane and after Jack got home we had a big fight. He said no one enjoyed the trip because I causer everyone to fight by how I reacted. I told him she excluded my daughters but he said that his mom is entitled to her feelings and I shouldn’t expect to spring the girls on her all the time when she still doesn’t consider them as close as her other grandchildren.
He promised me all that is gonna change and I just have to give time and that I shouldn’t have walked off and canceled my ticket like that.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) experienced significant emotional pain when her fiancé’s mother actively excluded her daughters, leading to a breakdown in trust and an abrupt departure from a planned family trip. The central conflict lies between the OP’s need to protect her children from perceived slights and her fiancé’s desire to maintain family peace by asking her to tolerate his mother’s current behavior while promising future improvement.
Is it more important for the OP to prioritize protecting her children from perceived disrespect and emotional exclusion immediately, or should she prioritize maintaining the stability of her relationship with her fiancé by exercising patience and allowing time for his mother’s views to change?
Here’s how people reacted:
It’s awful that she won’t accept your children as her grandchildren. Though I guess that she is entitled to her feelings but that doesn’t mean she gets to lie to you about the trip.
Jack didn’t want to be late to avoid waiting he planned it that way so you would be forced to stay. He probably wanted you on the plane before sil showed up. And then blamed you for ruining the trip when it was his mom that lied. You and your children deserve better.
Wtf is this man on about “springing the girls” on her? What, you just pull them out of your luggage and plop them in her lap?
As for feelings, yes, his mother is entitled to her feelings. But guess what? SO ARE YOU! So, seeing as you felt betrayed and manipulated in the situation, you chose to leave. She just wanted to avoid the consequences of her actions, and thought you’d bend over and let her, and “not make a fuss,” or whatever hokey logic she runs on.
NTA!
Bestie, this relationship is already setting off some alarm bells for me. A MIL who has ‘views’ on single moms and already sees you as inferior to her son? That’s a big N.O. from me dawg. That’s already spelling issues later on down the line. While it sounds like Jack is a amicable enough man, I don’t like that he’s already trying to get you to see things his mother’s way. Nuh-uh, OP those are your girls and I’m glad you stuck up for them. Sweetie, you need to lay out some ground rules on how things are going to work–he, and the rest of his family, better learn respect you and your girls or the the three of you can bounce.
I feel like r/JUSTNOMIL would probably recommend some couples therapy over the issue, because it’s definitely going to be a problem if he doesn’t get his priorities straight.
For Jack to blame you for what his mother created is completely blind. She orchestrated all this. If this is how he is going to be, taking his mothers side over you, I would seriously reconsider this relationship. Which sadly, is exactly what your FMIL wants.
NTA
When? Because to me it’s just going to get worse, what happens if you have children together? Your daughters get treated worse than their sibling?
I would go to counseling and honestly reflect on if you can marry someone who is okay with his family treating the girls this way.
There is a difference in open honest communication about having your daughters sit out from a vacation and what they did. In which they chose to lie and deceive you and what hope that you would be okay with it?
NTA 🚩
But Jack and FMIL are huge A Hs
NTA. if Jack won’t wake up, you might want to rethink the relationship.
YWTBA – If you marry this man and drag your children into this dynamic. Your fiancée my profess his love of your children, but allowing his mother to treat them as less than, indicates otherwise.
Don’t let him gaslight you. His mother lied to you deliberately.
He should have cancelled his trip immediately.
Take this as an example of how he will handle such things going forward. He’s stringing you along with ‘have to give time’.
I’m not saying you should dump him over this alone, but it should be a red flag.
Do not marry into this family.
Jack and FMIL saw no issue with excluding your children and then Jack had the nerve to double down and defend it.
He doesn’t adore your children as much as you think he does.
Take this for the red flag it is.
Do NOT marry this guy. He should have stayed with you if he cares. The fact that he doubled down after he came home and blamed you just seals the fact that he would s Never going to put your needs ahead of his mother’s.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Run, OP.
Why is he blaming you for ruining the trip when his mother lied?