But as time passed, new complexities emerged, testing the fragile balance they had built. The arrival of Lissa’s husband brought with it unexpected demands and conversations, challenging the family’s generosity and the boundaries of their sacrifice. What began as an act of love now faced the harsh realities of changing relationships and shifting expectations.
My late son died in a car accident a few years ago. He had been dating a girl for a few months and I found out at the funeral she was about 13 weeks pregnant. They were both 22. Well, I politely asked for a DNA test, and by using my family’s DNA, I found out I did indeed have a Grandson, “Dave Jr” lets call him.
So anyway, I decided along with my husband to help the girl, “Lissa,” out. We are comfortable financially, and decided to pay her monthly “child support” equal to what my son would have paid, according to our state formula, if he made $30k a year.
We are using our own money, some of which was indeed set aside for Dave Sr’s graduate schooling, but still, our money. My son had very few of his own assets, so no estate. We of course buy gifts, outings, etc, like all of our other grandkids.
Well “Lissa” married a guy this summer. Call him Allen, seems nice, Im happy for her. So anyway Allen and Lissa come over this weekend, and want to “Talk.” Apparently, the plan is for Allen to adopt Dave Jr, and they are moving out of state.
Oh, and can we change his name on the accounts we have once this is legal? And they will send us pictures, and we can see little Dave sometimes but are not to mention our son until he is “old enough”?
I told them that Im not paying them the child support, since Allen wants to be his dad so bad that he wants to erase my son, he can pay. And there are no accounts, and Im not playing games and pretending to be a family friend or whatever this plan is.
I also told them to Fuck Off and get the hell out.
Well Liss and Allen sure think Im TA, my husband’s on my side, my daughter is torn, and my youngest son hasn’t said anything except “I can’t believe you said Fuck” (I don’t swear much unless Im mad).
Now her family is calling me, and Allen’s mother is trying to get me to “have a sit down”. So reddit, AITA? ETA: to answer what seems to be a common question, yes my state has grandparents rights that apply.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is experiencing profound grief following the loss of their son and is now facing a deep conflict regarding their relationship with their grandson, Dave Jr. The OP’s initial generous support toward the child’s mother, Lissa, has soured because Lissa and her new husband, Allen, wish to formalize adoption, relocate, and effectively erase the memory of the OP’s deceased son from the child’s life. This clashes directly with the OP’s desire to maintain a familial connection rooted in their son’s memory.
The central question is whether the OP’s refusal to continue financial support and their harsh dismissal of Lissa and Allen are justified reactions to the proposed erasure of their son’s legacy, or if these actions constitute an unfair imposition on the child’s new stable family structure. Should the OP prioritize their emotional need to honor their son over the stability offered by the proposed adoption and relocation?
Here’s how people reacted:
Your grandson’s mother deserves to live a fulfilled life. Your grandson deserves the love and support of his paternal grandparents. And he also deserves to have a Dad. It’s incredibly sad that your son was never able to be that for him.
But it’s also sad that you’d change your relationship with your grandson because his life is improving. And what are you weilding as weapon, to cover your fear of losing the only connection you have to your son now that he’s gone? Money.
Have the sit down, but beforehand, SIT DOWN, and breathe, and think through what exactly is scaring you or upsetting you.
Then pour your heart out to Lissa and be honest with her and yourself. Tell her you want to find a way to be a present part of your grandson’s life and that the fear of losing that is why you got so angry. Apologize for your knee-jerk reaction.
And then work it out. At the end, what you don’t want to lose is your grandson, and to that end some finesse and compromise will be necessary. Because legally, she holds all the cards. Grandparents do not have legal rights to a child. But you aren’t helpless. Your leverage is two-fold: you love your grandson, and you have provided needed financial assistance.
I’d also point out that the child support on 30k in income would be really very little, and you might suggest putting that into a travel fund so that you can visit more often since the adoption would have legally eradicated your son’s responsibilities for child support had he been alive to consent.
And as for the rest? Your grandson deserves the same level of support that your other grandkids receive. He’s going to want to know about his biological father one day and you’re really the best people to ensure he feels like he knows where he came from and who he came from. That’s important to adoptees, regardless of the reason for the adoption.
I’m sorry you are all going through this. It seems like Lissa hasn’t been able to see things from your position, and when I say things, I mean your desire to be an active participant in his life as his grandparents.
You can also share with Lissa that I had a similar conundrum, with my oldest daughter. So we just adopted her grandmother. Baba got some bonus grandkids over the years, and my oldest knew her dad passed when she was a baby and that her Baba loves her dearly, as does her Dad, my husband, and his parents, her “bonus gramps”. A term they coined that she loves. She’s 23 now, and it’s worked just fine for 22 years.
It doesn’t have to be weird. Families are made all sorts of ways. You just have to figure out how to bolt yours together.
Hugs.
Why don’t you put the money you would have given in child support into a fund for him when he turns 21 or into a college fund. That’s something a grandmother would do for her grandchild. And plan on seeing him when you can. If you foster a good relationship with with your grandson’s parents and her parents, then you may find yourself even more involved in his life. At some point, he will be curious about his bio dad and then you can share photos and memories. If you act like you are, you will never see him and never have the opportunity to share those memories with him.
Look, it would have been different if Dave Jr was raised primarily by the new stepdad and all that, so Dave Jr does view him as a father and does want him to adopt him. But it sounds like they haven’t even asked Dave Jr, and would just rather he forgots/ never knows his biological dad, and who he was.
However, it sounds like the young couple just wants to continue getting money from you which they feel they are owed somehow. No, you were very generous in doing so. You didn’t have to, but you did. And at the same time, they want to move away? Why? So that they can pretend they’ve got everything settled and are not actually having help from the outside?
You’re right. If the new husband wants to be his dad, he can pay for their kid. That should just be the bottom line here.
>the plan is for Allen to adopt Dave Jr
Okay, thats cool
>and they are moving out of state.
Hmm, okay but how far away because if your close to the border that could be less than an hour drive
>and can we change his name on the accounts we have once this is legal?
Pause, theoretically yes you would change the name on the account to reflect the appropriate legal name, but I’m sure that’s not what’s being implied here.
>they will send us pictures, and we can see little Dave sometimes but are not to mention our son until he is ” old enough”.
Oooh she really trying to be slick right now huh, NTA
I would have had a slightly different response. I would have told them of course we’ll keep putting aside money for Dave Jr, but now that it is a two parent household the money we pay is going into a college or trust for him so that his future is secure and it will be in my or my husband’s name.
“We want you to stop being involved in Dave Jr’s life, but we want you to still support him financially.”
If Allen wants to be the dad he can be the dad. And the breadwinner.