The man she once knew—a gentle soul who cherished family and simple joys—was slowly consumed by anger and alcohol, transforming into someone unrecognizable. The promises of a better future were overshadowed by harsh words and broken trust, leaving her trapped in a life far from the hopeful beginning they once envisioned.
I married “Jake” when we both were 19. We’re from an area with little in the way of opportunities, and while I did well enough to get scholarships and attend college, Jake decided to join the military.
We talked extensively about this, and he was vocal in his intention to only join for one term to get the GI Bill and then get out and go to college.
When I married him, Jake was a sweet, funny guy who enjoyed cooking and the only things he’d willingly hurt were deer.
But after he joined, Jake changed. He got a lot angrier, in general. I’d never known him to have a temper, but he went from never raising his voice to yelling at his family and me when he didn’t get his way, to less pleasant behavior when he was drunk.
And oh how he drank. After joining the military Jake was drinking constantly. His sense of humor got a lot cruder, too, “Dirty little sheet heads!” became his favorite punchline.
The final straw was when we discussed his plans to get out and go to college since he was looking at whether to stay in or get out. He wanted to stay in. I reminded him he’d promised to get out.
He’d been drinking, and things got ugly.
Jake died in a car accident earlier this year. My only feeling was, honestly, relief. At dinner following his funeral, Jake’s little sister approached me and wanted to know if I had any advice about her new relationship with a soldier.
My advice? “Don’t. The military ruined Jake and turned the man I loved into a drunk, abusive asshole.”
Jake’s family predictably erupted in a firestorm, but more alarmingly to me, my own parents have taken their side. AITA?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is currently facing strong backlash from both her late husband’s family and her own parents after offering blunt advice against military service based on her negative personal experience. Her emotional position is rooted in the relief she felt following her husband’s death, stemming from the significant negative transformation she witnessed in him during his service.
The central debate is whether the OP was justified in sharing her painful and deeply personal truth about the military’s negative impact on her husband when asked for advice, or if her brutally honest statement was an inappropriate breach of familial loyalty and decorum, especially following a death.
Here’s how people reacted:
Ex-Navy wife here. It’s a brutal life in a lot of ways and civilians cannot, and never will, understand. You were also probably away from the family for your postings, so they only remember the man you married, not the man he became.
You have your remembrance, they have theirs. I would not apologize, but might say, “Things changed while we were in and if I could go back, I would have encouraged Jake to not enlist, but whatever you (Jake’s little sister) choose to do, I will always be here for you.”
As for the fam, yours and his, they can pound sand. You are the a widow of a military man. You have grown beyond having to appease your family.
Your SIL asked a dumb-ass question. As far as she knew, you just lost your husband, and so that’s maybe not a good time to bring up her budding love life.
Said husbands funeral is neither the time nor the place for you to say that. Not to mention that all military people are not the same. They’re as diverse as civilians. 6 member of my family all served, and not one of them *ever* behaved like your husband did (though 4 of them are middle-eastern, so they don’t say things like “dirty little sheet head” for a different reason).
Sorry, I’m not too sure this is coherent but hopefully it makes sense.
I understand you were probably thoughtless because of grief, but this was his little sister, not some stranger. She was probably deeply grieving at her big brother’s funeral and you should have just lied and said something vaguely supportive to her.
Just because someone dies, it does not mean their past transgressions cease to exist. if you are a jerk before your death, you are still a jerk in memories. Rose-coloring those glasses helps no one.
The assholes for me are your husband and your parents for not sympathizing with you after he literally abused you.
I’m a female veteran, I’ve seen husband’s do their civillian wives so dirty and the women too. Could you have said it better? Probably. But that was probably the worst time to ask that question. You went through it not your family and not his family. You should probably seek some help and talk this out with a professional though.
I agree entirely with your sentiment. Your intentions were good, but wrong place and wrong time.
I am so sorry that this happened to you.
What you said is probably true, but honestly, pick your time and place better. Don’t say it at your husbands funeral to his younger sister.