Caught between the intense pain of impending fatherhood and his own unbearable ache, the husband’s struggle to remain present reveals the raw vulnerability of human endurance. This story peels back the layers of partnership under pressure, raising profound questions about support, sacrifice, and the limits of compassion when both lives are on the edge.
I’m posting this from my wife’s account and both perspectives are included. I, the husband, am asking if I’m the asshole.
This is a topic we’ve been debating for the past almost two years now. It’d be great to get some outside perspective and judgement.
My perspective (husband):
My wife went into labor three weeks early so somewhat unexpectedly. Over the prior couple months I had started developing an intermittent toothache. About two or three hours into the 19 hour labor, I probably ate something delicious.
After eating something delicious, I can’t quite remember what it was, my tooth started hurting in an ungodly way. I’m talking sharp, eye-watering pain. Her contractions at this point were very far apart, and she was in very little discomfort.
Over the next couple of hours the toothache became a competing topic of conversation with the imminent birth of our first child. I didn’t want to leave her side to look for medicine until her parents arrived.
Once they arrived, to my surprise I was able to find an oral numbing medication at the hospital convenience store. That with a couple Excedrin was able to alleviate the pain just as my wife’s contractions started to pick up.
Am I the asshole for discussing my mouth pain during her labor?
Wife’s perspective:
My husband had been complaining about a toothache for months and months throughout my first pregnancy. It kept getting worse, and every time he’d complain I’d say he should go to the dentist, but he refused.
So as he mentioned, as I was in labor he started to once again complain about this tooth pain. Granted I wasn’t in terrible pain, but for a few hours while I was in the hospital getting ready to push a child out of my body he continued to complain frequently about his toothache.
I did feel bad he was uncomfortable, but I had asked him multiple times to get it checked out, and there were other things at the moment I felt I should be focusing on.
I’d like to also mention it wasn’t just he mentioned once or twice his tooth was hurting, this dominated the conversation for probably a couple hours. He is a great father and husband, but is he also the asshole?
Conclusion
The husband finds himself in a difficult situation where a genuine, sharp physical pain conflicted directly with the significant, anticipated event of his child’s birth. His action of discussing his toothache stemmed from acute discomfort, yet it clashed severely with his wife’s expectation that he prioritize her needs and the labor process during those crucial hours.
When a partner’s personal suffering intersects with a major life event for the other, where does the focus of attention appropriately lie, and is it ever acceptable to allow a chronic, unaddressed personal issue to dominate a moment of acute, shared crisis? The central question remains: Was the husband wrong to voice and dwell on his pain when his wife was actively in labor?
Here’s how people reacted:
YTA Read that sentence again, No dude your toothache is NOT comparable to the birth of a human being (YOUR child) and the level of apprehension and pain involved for your partner.
Plus you could have stopped the ouchy mouth yourself by going to the dentist/popping to the HOSPITAL STORE and picking up some pain relief but you chose to moan to your Mrs instead. Really flippin lame behaviour from Dad.
This made me laugh though
” **to my surprise** I was able to find a oral numbing medication at the hospital convenience store.”
That must have been a huge surprise that a hospital store stocked pain relief I thought they only sold booze and rusty Knives.
” That with a couple Excedrin was able to alleviate the pain “
So it wasn’t that bad then? or do maternity units give labouring women the numbing gel and a couple pills for the pain?
I’d have thrown you out in all seriousness, the phrase “suck it up your moderate pain is irrelevant as your wife is in labour and women can and do die in labour not to mention pushing a baby out the kebab REALLY FUCKING HURTS” was made just for this
Edit: Thanks for all these fancy awards, friends. To those who were upset by this joke, I am sorry you are having a rough day. Please know I meant no harm in implying that the threat of a cavity you’ve ignored for months was somehow less serious than the prospect of going through childbirth for the first time, having been told that it will be one of the(if not the) most painful experiences of your life, knowing that if something goes wrong you or your child may not survive, that a completely new and unknown life awaits you on the other side, that you are going to shit in front of a roomful of strangers and your asshole might be torn open. Surely from any angle — emotional, psychological, physiological, scatological — those two events are on par with one another. I only hope you can find the strength to carry on after having thought, even for a moment, that a stranger on reddit might think otherwise.
Now let’s all go drink some water. Because I may never have to push a tooth out of my penis, but the thought of kidney stones scares the bejesus out of me.
If you didn’t see a dentist to address the problem, despite your wife telling you to, and you weren’t willing to leave your wife’s side before active labor for five minutes or grab a nurse to ask for pain medicine, this just wasn’t the time to complain about it.
If the pain was bearable enough that you didn’t immediately need medication for it, then you didn’t need to complain about it to your wife, who is in the hospital literally about to push a person out of her body. I’m certain that your complaining didn’t lessen the pain for you and didn’t make the birth any easier for her. Even if she wasn’t yet in active labor, being 9 months pregnant and in a hospital bed, surrounded by doctors and nurses, with needles in you, etc., is not the time you want to be emotionally supporting your husband who needs an advil.
The title is misleading. You didn’t just “mention” you had a toothache while she was in labor. You went on and on about your toothache while she was laboring.
>Over the next couple of hours the toothache became a competing topic of conversation with the imminent birth of our first child.
Also, this wasn’t something that unexpectedly happened while all this was going on. You didn’t just eat something and crack a tooth all of a sudden. This was an ongoing thing you had been dealing with for months and she had repeatedly told you to go take care of it. You didn’t, and then decided to keep whining about it literally even as she was trying to focus on giving birth to your child.
I can’t believe this has taken up 2 years of debate. Just get with it and apologize for being so self-centered & immature.
” **I’m talking sharp, eye-watering pain**. Her contractions at this point were very far apart, and she was in very little discomfort. “
The fact that you believe your pain was bad, can you imagine how your wife was feeling? You waited too long to get your tooth fixed and you decided you would play the pain card while your wife was in labor.
It sounds like you turned the whole labor process into a cry fit about your tooth. Not to mention you got to eat something delicious while I imagine your wife did not.
Sorry dude. You were definitely the asshole in this delivery.
Her discomfort and pain were her main focus while giving birth to a baby. Your tooth that you NEGLECTED should have not been mentioned. You’ve been dealing with it for months why he he’ll was it so pressing while your partner is giving birth?!?
Giving birth is painful and so is healing from it.
Go get your tooth fixed or stop complaining.
If you’ve been having tooth pain for months, why didn’t you go the dentist?
>It kept getting worse, and every time he’d complain I’d say he should go to the dentist, but he refused.
This is the exact reason why OP (the husband) is the asshole. OP had plenty of opportunity to get things fixed so that he could be there and be fully supportive of his wife during labor.
Husband, YTA. I know your wife said she told you to go to the dentist, but you should’ve been able to figure out you needed to do that on your own. You didn’t follow your wife’s advice or common sense on this issue and then you sat around complaining about your toothache as your wife was preparing to give birth.
YTA But not in such a way that you should be burned at the stake, just enough to have this brought up a few times a year. Also, I died laughing, this sounds like a conversation my husband and I would have as well. I love you guys.
YTA, because you refuse to get it treated. At some point you should stop expecting sympathy, because you don’t deserve it.
Shit doesn’t get better, especially with your teeth. It hurts, guess what, you have an infection and probably need a root canal.