Behind the closed doors of their home, a quiet battle rages—between a mother’s fierce hope and a controlling relationship that steals confidence and courage. The mother watches helplessly as Sara’s dreams falter, caught between the promise of opportunity and the painful grip of manipulation.
My (47f) daughter Sara (18f) is a very smart girl. She has a 4.0 GPA, she’s valedictorian of her class, and she’s just gotten word from her dream college that she has received a full ride scholarship.
We have a college fund for her of about 250,000. When we found out about the scholarship, we agreed that we would still give her the money to pay for other things that she would need in college, such as housing, food, etc.
Well she came home yesterday kind of sad. I asked her what was the matter. She said that she was not going to go to college anymore. Apparently, her boyfriend Bryan (19m) told her not to go anymore.
Some background on Bryan, his family is VERY well off, and his parents have never issued discipline on this child. I mean, he is very rude and disrespectful, and although he seems sweet to my daughter when they are alone, she’ll complain that whenever they’re out with friends, Bryan is constantly putting her down and comparing her to Instagram models.
Bryan is currently enrolled in college, but he has no set course for his future. He’s just “rolling with the cards” as Sara says.
Some other background info is that my daughter is going to school for marine biology. Well, with what my daughter told me about their conversation, She was telling Bryan about her full ride scholarship, and how excited she was to finally go to school for marine biology (he’s never supported her dream of being a marine biologist and has always told her to go to college for a “REAL” job) when he sat her down and told her to not go to college at all.
He told her to wait for him here in our town, and don’t worry about getting a job even, because his parents will support her, and that he didn’t feel comfortable with her going to college out of state and so far away.
He also said that it made him feel unmanly when she has a set course for her future which will give her a good life, while he has none.
After she told me what was going on, I didn’t make a decision right away, but I knew that I wasn’t going to just let my daughter throw away her future like this. She then asked me for her college fund so she could help support Bryan’s dreams(?) So I took time to think, and I sat her down today.
I told her that she can not have her college fund to spend on Bryan. She started freaking out asking why and it was her money, and I asked her to listen. I asked her if she actually could see a serious future with Bryan in it.
She said nothing the first time, and then started crying. I asked her again more gently this time, and she admitted no while still crying. I pleaded with her to please not throw away her future for someone who she can’t see herself having a life with.
She then nodded and went up to her room for some time to think.
From what I’ve learned, she broke it off with Bryan and he has been calling nom stop, crying and begging to speak to her. I feel very guilty, and sort of like an AH. Am I?
Conclusion
The mother faced a significant conflict between supporting her accomplished daughter’s educational goals and the daughter’s sudden decision to abandon these goals based on her controlling boyfriend’s wishes. The central issue revolves around the mother asserting parental authority to protect the daughter’s established future against the influence of an unsupportive partner, leading to the daughter’s emotional distress and subsequent breakup.
Given the clear disparity in future prospects and the boyfriend’s undermining behavior, was the mother justified in directly intervening to prevent her daughter from accessing her college fund to support the boyfriend’s stagnation, or did this intervention cross a necessary boundary in an 18-year-old’s decision-making autonomy?
Here’s how people reacted:
Your daughter is a high school student who was having her self-esteem chipped away & her aspirations manipulated by her college student boyfriend.
Who clearly was trying to use your daughter to get an easy 250,000 to spend on whatever before he dumped her.
And you’re on here wondering if you’re an AH, because he’s doing what abusers do – crying, trying to manipulate your emotions so you’ll let your daughter give him her college fund.
Respectfully, you need to get a grip & get it together. Your daughter needs you. You need to report this guy to the police for harassing your house. Maybe send him a formal cease & desist letter to scare him away. Then block his number from being able to call your house, you or your daughter.
And then both you & your daughter could benefit from reading Bancroft’s book *Why does he do it* so you can be more knowledgeable & better prepared for the emotional manipulation tactics of abusers & how to spot them.
NTA but *come on*. Questioning yourself because you’re putting the feelings of a random abusive boy over your daughter isn’t right. You’ve got this mama bear.
I’m serious. My parents couldn’t tell you a thing about me as a person after the age of 6 besides a basic observation they may get lucky enough to pay attention to.
It sounds like you approached this with as much sensitivity as you could with her and didn’t use anger or fear to communicate. You showed respect by letting her speak and then got your point across gently.
She’s 18 every heartbreak sucks…she’s known what you were saying for a while it sounds like.
It actually sounds as though Brian has been abusing her emotionally and mentally as well as manipulating her.
You helped her save herself….now call your phone carrier and block his number and any family and friends numbers your daughter may have of his….
Or better yet please change her phone number.
He’s going to try to wear her down mentally and the calls will keep coming and from the sounds of the idiot he isn’t going to relent anytime soon.
It’s reasonable to set limits on what a college fund can be spent on, and your offer was it could be used for housing and other *college related* expenses.
Frankly my knee jerk reaction was this “Bryan” needed to be kicked to the curb (figuratively) but I think you handled it brilliantly by asking your daughter the right question:
Did she see a future with him?
She said no.
And dumped him.
Which, good for her. She deserves someone better who doesn’t put her body down and isn’t threatened by her achievements and ambition.
Stop worrying about the young man who was so threatened by your daughter he was trying to sabotage her future and her dream instead of cheering her on.
No, no it does not. It paints you as a responsible parent, and the first thing I thought was “absolutely not”.
But then, I read about halfway into your post, and I realized that I was right. You’re absolutely NTA.
The truth of the matter is that Bryan is toxic and abusive. She absolutely loves him, but he clearly doesn’t love her, because he’s willing to wreck her future in order to feel in control.
You did the right thing. You’re a wonderful parent. At the end of the day, most men will come and go in her life, but you’ll always be there.
Edit: Thank you for the awards!
These rules were in place because girls that we were acquainted with, gave up college and scholarships to stay home with their boyfriends. A few years later and the girls were single moms working dead end jobs with no education. The boyfriends were long gone, chasing other girls.
What you’re feeling is empathy–you’re sad because she’s sad. Like if she got stung by a bee and cried, you’d probably feel sad too. Well she got stung by a Brian this time instead.
Your daughter will look back on this in 5-10 years time when she has a degree and a career and thank you for being the parent she needed and not the parent she wanted now.
You’re absolutely right, the money is supposed to be for her and her future. Not her bf’s.
Also if his parents are so loaded then why does he need your daughters money?