In the sterile hospital room, the father’s heart pounded with guilt and fear, haunted by the knowledge that a moment’s oversight could have had devastating consequences. With no way to reach Anna’s mother, he carried the heavy burden of responsibility, determined to do right by the child in his care, even as the weight of what might have been settled heavily on his soul.
On Thursday evenings my daughter (9F) goes to dance class with her friend Anna (9F). My wife told me to pick my daughter and Anna up from school, get them something to eat, and take them to dance.
I pick them up from school and ask where they want to go to eat. My daughter asks to go to this noodle place we go to sometimes, and I ask Anna if she would like that and she says sure, so we go.
We all order and start eating, when suddenly Anna looks distressed and said she thinks she is having an allergic reaction. I ask her if she has allergies and she says she does to peanuts…
and I look in her dish and it’s clearly a peanut sauce.
I rush her to the hospital (we were pretty close so it was quicker than 911 would have been), and everything ended up being ok. I felt horrible. I call my wife when Anna is in the hospital room, but there is no answer and I do not have Anna’s mother’s phone number.
So after Anna is given the all clear I immediately take her back to her house and explain what happened to her mother.
Her mother is furious, saying that I could have killed her child. I said back that she should have told me about her daughter’s anaphylaxis, why would I assume something like that. She responded that you always ask about a child’s allergies before getting them food.
She also said that she didn’t know I would be getting them dinner (School ends at 4 and dance isn’t until 6, so I thought it would be safe to assume I would be giving them food..) I apologized for what happened, but still feel like Anna’s mother definitely should have let me know in this situation, and also Anna is old enough to be aware of her anaphylaxis.
AITA?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) finds himself in a difficult situation where a child’s severe allergic reaction occurred under his care, leading to significant distress and conflict with the child’s mother. The OP feels he should not be solely blamed because the critical medical information (the peanut allergy) was not shared with him, despite the mother believing it was the OP’s responsibility to inquire about allergies before providing food.
Considering that the OP took immediate action to seek emergency care, should the primary responsibility for this near-tragedy rest on the parent who failed to communicate a life-threatening medical condition, or on the caregiver who failed to proactively confirm allergy status before serving a meal? Where should the line be drawn between parental duty to inform and caregiver duty to inquire?
Here’s how people reacted:
1. The parent informs the caregiver of the child’s allergy.
2. The caregiver asks if the child has any allergies.
3. The child informs the caregiver they have an allergy.
A parent should never assume a caregiver will ask a child about allergies. Thus, a parent should inform a caregiver of an allergy. Since an allergy is considered abnormal, it is unreasonable to assume every child has allergies. If it’s unreasonable to assume a kid has allergies, it’s reasonable to consider the question to be counter-intuitive. In other words, the kids mom made the false assumption that its regarded as a social norm to ask if someone else’s kid has allergies before feeding them. I feed kids at my house all the time and I can only remember asking about allergies maybe once or twice, and I’m a paramedic, who’s very conscious of the deadly nature of anaphylactic reactions. I don’t know many other adults that ask the question, either. It seems to me like mom was just trying to (insensitively) blame you for an incident that you had little control over. When she should have been praising you for your quick response and essentially saving her daughters life.
Finally, a 9 year old is old enough to know whether or not they have a severe allergy. Therefore, the kid is also partially responsible. Case in point: She (after the fact) appropriately informed you of her allergy. You appropriately responded. She’s alive. Count your blessings.
It was DEFINITELY Anna’s mom’s responsibility to tell you about the allergy. But you should have asked, and you should have mentioned ‘hey, we’re gonna stop at the Thai place to get food before dance. Sound good?’
A 9 year old can be pretty knowledgeable about an allergy, but house sauce is a pretty nebulous concept for them to grasp, cmon. And of course her mom is gonna flip and not be at her best, she’s panicked over her daughter! Can’t really hold her responsible for that moment.
It might be time to review your policy for taking responsibility of other children. Treat this as a wake up call. If they can die much more easily than the average kid, you should make sure to know about that ahead of time. You need to have at least two contact methods in case of emergency.
If you all ordered, I’m guessing that Anna ordered for herself, or told you what she wanted. It’s totally possible she didn’t know it had peanuts. You didn’t know she had an allergy.
The mom is overreacting– but she just found out her daughter went to the ER and could have died had she not gotten the attention she did when she did.
There’s always gonna be panic and hurt feelings when it involves primal stuff like your kid’s safety. But no one is an AH here.
You’re not a major asshole, but you definitely should ask about allergies before feeding kids. The child should have asked as well- she’s old enough to ask. Perhaps she was nervous? She should have asked still. You made a mistake. You’re not massively the asshole.
Mom should have told you in advance. I can’t blame mom for flipping out. Her child nearly died and she didn’t know. Her child was in the hospital and she didn’t know. How long was she in the ER? Did you ask the child if she knew her number? I’m trying to imagine how the ER worked with a child in anaphylactic shock being treated and released and no medical professional speaking to a parent
*I rush her to the hospital (we were pretty close so it was quicker than 911 would have been), and everything ended up being ok. I felt horrible. I call my wife when Anna is in the hospital room, but there is no answer and I do not have Anna’s mother’s phone number. So after Anna is given the all clear I immediately take her back to her house and explain what happened to her mother.*
Sure. That’s a thing that happens. Hospitals treat children and just wave goodbye without ever contacting their parents or getting their insurance info.
If you’re going to troll, at least fucking try to make up a remotely believable story
You should have asked. I’ve become used to asking people in my vicinity when eating anything with peanuts. My niece is 9 and highly allergic to peanuts and questions most foods but I doubt she would think of questioning noodles…
And another thing – why wasn’t she carrying an EpiPen????
yes, her mother could have and should have told you, but you also could and should have asked
>also Anna is old enough to be aware of her anaphylaxis.
she’s 9, don’t put this on her. YOU’RE the adult here and you should have asked.
Did you wife ever tell you about the allergies? Did your wife know about the allergies? Did the mom disclose this to anyone in your family before planning the dinner?