In a desperate bid to mend the damage, she offers a chance for apology and understanding, only to be met with anger and defiance. The clash between mother and son becomes a battlefield of emotions, revealing the deep struggle between love, disappointment, and the hope for change that still flickers in her heart.
I love my sons more than anything, I have 3, they were all raised to respect everyone regardless of their differences. My 21 year old and my 19 year old have that down great, my 16 year old however is bullying a gay boy in his class and I was less than happy when I found out (his cousin told me).
I gave him the chance to invite him over for dinner and apologize but he refused, he wouldn’t say sorry, at all. I get it, it’s embarrassing being told off in front of your friends but I don’t care, I wasn’t happy with his treatment.
I ended up grounding him but it didn’t seem to be affecting him at all and he clearly wasn’t learning his lesson.
I contacted the family and let them know what was going on and they agreed to meet up for dinner and again I gave my son a chance to apologize, he got extremely upset/angry, maybe both and said that nobody even liked the ‘f word’.
Of course I apologized and the family left.
My son and I got into a big argument when they left where he said he wasn’t sorry and again that nobody likes this kid, I told him that I don’t like him very much right now either. He got quiet, apologized and went to his room.
I’ve now been told that he’s apologized to the student he was bullying and his grounding has been lifted, he’s still hiding in his room and we very rarely speak.
My ex husband says I shouldn’t have told him I don’t like him and that there’s no excuse and of course that that behaviour is the reason we’re not together, because I can’t help but be a miserable AH.
I understand it may not have been the nicest thing to hear but he was not listening to a word I was saying and was being a downright bully.
A lot has happened since I made my post so I figured I’d just pop in to let people know how it unfolded. I’ve had a little chit chat with my son to get to the bottom of his behaviour and it turns out he’d asked his victim on a date and was turned down.
Instead of acting like a normal human being he decided to be spiteful and started bullying the boy. He’s still making up for it and we’ve had a talk about consent and the fact that nobody is obligated to date him.
He knows I understand he was hurt but he should have spoken to me, after all, it’s what I’m here for.
My ex is also openly homophobic and he no longer wants to visit him on weekends, so hopefully his father will no longer make such a great impression.
I also want to thank everyone for their kind words to this mama who thought she’d handled a tough situation very very poorly! I appreciate all the kindness!
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) struggled to manage their 16-year-old son’s bullying behavior, which stemmed from rejection after asking a classmate out. The OP’s strong desire to enforce accountability clashed directly with the son’s initial refusal to apologize and his feelings of embarrassment, leading to escalating conflict, including the OP stating they did not like their son very much.
Was the mother justified in using harsh emotional language and severe grounding tactics to force an apology for unacceptable bullying, or did her response violate necessary relational boundaries, ultimately pushing her son further away before the root cause of his behavior was addressed?
Here’s how people reacted:
Forcing an apology summit with both families over dinner was invasive and controlling and completely undermined your son’s autonomy and any apology would have been inauthentic.
It would have been far more productive to talk to him about what you heard from his cousin. Your son didn’t have a chance to hear your concerns or exactly what his cousin said (hearsay is not admissable in a court, think about that) — he didn’t get to see himself through the lens of your disappointment. He only experienced the consequence of your anger. Of course he got defensive. I’m not saying that he wasn’t bullying or that he should be given a pass on possible bullying: I’m saying that you, the parent, dealt with it badly.
**And you told him that you don’t like him. That’s a monster sized fuck-up. **
**You bullied your son.** You won’t like hearing this and I’ll get downvoted for saying so, but you orchestrated a humiliation scene instead of dealing with him on a human-to-human level.
To truly teach a lesson, you needed to engage with your son in same the way you want him to engage with other people he “doesn’t like.”
Read the book “Raising Human Beings.” It is a fundamental reason why I still have a good relationship with my teenage son while my ex can barely get a word out of him.
Now, you need to have the discussion with him that while you have times where you don’t like him, you will always love him. Reassure him that your love doesn’t waiver, ever, but there are times where you might not like him very much. Also, tell him how proud you are that he finally apologized to the other person.
ETA: Thank you for the silver, u/Hinote21! 🙂
I am a gay man, and whilst I personally believe that everyone is entitled to their opinions, whatever that may be, it isn’t right to voice hatred against people. You can think what you like, but don’t say it. I’m okay with the fact that homophobia exists and have been on the recieving end of such all my life, I just understand that it’s part of the world we live in.
Thank you for trying to bring your children up in a respectful way, but they will decide on their own what they believe. I hope your 16yo realises that they can believe what they wish, but speaking ill of others is what crosses the line.
>I don’t like him **very much right now** either
And that’s a different story. That means you didn’t like how he was acting, not that you didn’t like him as a person in general. Considering the seriousness of what your son was doing, I think it was worth saying. In fact, it seemed to be the one thing that got through to him. It’s too bad your ex undermined your efforts.
The good news is, you got the reaction you wanted, but NOW is the time to talk to him about appropriate behavior and why what he did was wrong. And, reassure him of your love.
Also, you should try talking to your son about why he’s bullying a gay student. Why him?