In a single, charged conversation, years of resentment and misunderstanding boil over. Words meant to heal only deepen the rift, leaving a friendship fractured and a silence heavy with what could never be said. The door slams shut, echoing the painful distance growing between two souls once so close.
My friend, Isla (26f) and I (26f)have known each other since middle school. We applied to the same college and got in. However, Isla got pregnant after a few months and decided to drop out.
She’s had 3 more accidental pregnancies and is now a stay at home mother of 4. I was telling her the other day that I’m going travelling to Europe and if all goes well, I will be moving there.
She got really annoyed with me and told me that it must be nice to have all the freedom and no responsibilities (like hello, I work, i’m Doing my PhD, it’s not like I’m just sitting on my ass) because I don’t have kids.
This isn’t not the first time she took jabs at me for that but it was the first time she was this rude. I told her that if she wanted to be free and go off whenever and wherever she wanted, she should’ve used protection and thought before having kids (our conversation was at my house and her kids weren’t there).
She got really mad and left, slamming the door on her way out. She hasn’t replied to my messsages but she starting telling everyone what an awful person I am. AITA for snapping at her?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) responded defensively and harshly to her friend Isla’s jealous comments about her freedom, leading to a significant conflict based on Isla’s resentment over her life choices versus the OP’s academic path. This confrontation resulted in Isla leaving angrily and subsequently spreading negative views of the OP to others.
Was the OP justified in responding sharply to Isla’s pointed remarks about her lack of responsibility, or did her words cross a line given Isla’s situation as a mother of four? The core issue is whether expressing resentment over another person’s lifestyle choices warrants an equally harsh counter-attack.
Here’s how people reacted:
>accidental pregnancies
ok, folks: it’s not as if we don’t know what ***causes*** this condition, and it’s certainly not as if we don’t know how to avoid it.
once? perhaps. ***four times***? sorry. i no longer buy “accident.”
moreover, it’s not like OP’s reply isn’t accurate. it’s spot-on… …especially since isla is the one who starts the exchange with her whining. ***oh***! ***woe is me***! i’d be willing to bet that she even goes on & on like that ***in front of her kids***. imagine what it’s like for them to hear it.
OP: the only near-assholey thing i see here is why in the world you would continue to be friends with such a spoiled, entitled, irresponsible brat. i get it that you’ve known each other for over a decade, but at least one of you appears to have grown up since middle school.
count your blessings (which isla should be doing, by the way, given that she’s got four undoubtedly adorable & healthy children) and ***stop texting her***. let her be miserable; that’s what she wants.
in the mean time, enjoy your trip. have a great time. take lots of pictures that, hopefully, you can share with your own family ***when the time is right***.
NTA in any way
Truth hurts, I guess.
I used to have similar comments from friends back when I lived in New Mexico. Most of my friends were parents of multiple children (3-6 kids). I had one, who is an adult (I’m 53 now, she is 26).
I traveled a lot, especially after my divorce. Went to concerts, shows, two trips to the UK, another to Ireland, also Canada, Florida, and NYC.
All I heard from them was how tired they were, how broke they were, and how “it must be nice…”.
I choose that “nice” condition, worked years for it. I planned that one child, knowing that when she was grown I’d have the ability to do the things I wanted.
They made it out like I was enjoying life at their expense.
Not my fault they kept having kids. Seriously, 3 was about the smallest number of kids any of my friends had.
Your friend made her choices.
I had a friend do this to me – she told me how “nice” it must be to have so much money and time and freedom because my husband and I both work and don’t have kids (I also have a PhD and busted my ass to get where I am). It was a double slap in the face because we desperately want children and have been unsuccessful despite years of fertility treatment, which she knew about. Meanwhile she had an unintended pregnancy and was now regretting the choices she made and was taking it out on me. She’s not my friend anymore.
Isla is projecting her own regrets and insecurities about her choices onto you. No one asked her to make nasty comments on your life, and she doesn’t know (or care apparently) about the work and struggle and sacrifice you’ve put in to achieve your goals. People like this are not worth your time.
Her having 4 kids to be responsible for is not your burden to carry. If she is resentful for her life thats on her, not you.
Good for you for sticking up for yourself. If she’s going to be a bitch because you don’t have children, than maybe it’s time to let this friendship fade.
She sarcastically said “it must be nice to have all the freedom and no responsibilities” like you were slacking off and doing nothing at someone else’s expense.
She had the exact same opportunity, but chose to do something else. Maybe I wouldn’t have told her she should have “used protection”, like her kids were a mistake, but she was the one expressing her jealousy and making it like your freedom is “irresponsible”, while her irresponsibility re: protection is exempt.
4 kids at 26???? They aren’t “accidental”. They are a result of someone who is stupid. I mean come on! A 26 year old (who got into college) doesn’t know how to use birth control??? There are tons of cheap options out there (i got my IUD for $50 a couple years ago).
She is just jealous that you aren’t tied down by kids. Even though you are in a PhD program, she thinks you have tons more freedom.
I think you’ve just grown too far apart. She’s jealous but that’s on her. She chose her life and you chose yours. 4 kids didn’t just happen to her without her input. NTA and maybe it’s best if you let the friendship fizzle out.
You think she doesn’t know why her life sucks and why she has no freedom and how dumb it is having 4 kids with 4 accidental pregnancies?
You’re correct. But throwing that in her face was a bit of an asshole move. Her life is bad enough.
She chose to be a mother of four, and that is perfectly fine. Just like it’s perfectly fine for you to have other priorities. She’s regretting her decisions and taking it out on you. You don’t have to put up with those jabs.
If this is the end of your friendship, so be it.
Let alone 4 TIMES.
if she didn’t want the massive burden of having multiple kids she should’ve thought twice about it.
she chose her path and she’s bitter about it, it’s not your fault for having a human reaction.
I hope you have a wonderful trip in Europe!
“Yeah, it’s actually fucking awesome, that’s why I haven’t had kids yet.”
NTA
Also that is a LOT of accidental pregnancies. Was she just straight up not using any protection?