Yet, shadows of his past refuse to stay buried. When a sixteen-year-old boy appears, claiming to be his son—born from a secret he never knew—he is forced to confront the consequences of choices long ago, challenging the fragile peace he’s fought so hard to build.
From 18-25, I was an absolute wild child. Lots of beer and lots of hook ups where we didnt even know each other’s names. I was dealing with lots of damage, to the point where I dont even remember most of those years.
Now at almost 40, I’m much better now, with therapy and AA and my saint of a wife, but thats the important background.
I was clear with my wife that its quite possible I have some kids out there somewhere, though a lot of the women I slept with I have no way of contacting to be sure. My wife budgeted in some savings for if we ever have to pay child support for a couple of kids, but just asked that I get a paternity test before we welcome them in.
We have no kids of our own, dont really want any.
Last year, a 16 year old boy contacted me, saying that I was his father. We’ll call him K. K claimed to be the son of one of my old classmates, and that his mom had raised him by herself because she didnt want to cause any trouble.
But she had told him about me, all the time, and he had spent his entire life googling me. He’d finally worked up the courage to contact me, and asked if we could me.
Since I can neither confirm nor deny sleeping with his mother, I agreed to meet between our two towns, me driving about 5 hours and him driving about 45 mins, though I did tell him about my wife’s request.
He was fine with it. We met after the kit got here, he did the spit thing, gave it back, and we sat, talked, had lunch, and drove back home.
We were not a match. I had my profile done a while ago, just so it was out there in case any kids found me that way. But K and I are not related. I contacted him, gave him all his data, and let him down gently.
He was devastated. Crying, claiming it wasnt real, that he had spent his entire life idolizing me, that I had to be his dad. He begged to have a relationship, but I’m not entirely interested in building one with a random child.
I apologized again, but left it at that.
His mom reached out, begging me as well, saying that she was so sure I was the father, that its destroying him not knowing who his dad is. I said it was a real shame, but that father isnt me.
I’m not dad material, especially not for someone else’s kid.
This just came up in a convo recently, and sparked an argument. Some say its fine, others say it was cruel to abandon a kid who spent his entire life believing he was mine. Am I the asshole here?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is facing a difficult situation where his past behavior has unexpectedly resurfaced, creating emotional turmoil for a young man who believed the OP was his father. The OP acted according to the agreement made with his wife by facilitating a paternity test but then drew a firm boundary against pursuing a relationship when the test excluded him as the biological father.
The central conflict is whether the OP has a moral obligation to comfort or maintain a relationship with the boy, K, given the emotional damage caused by the negative test result, despite not being the biological father. Is it crueler to withdraw completely after raising expectations, or is it justifiable to maintain distance when no biological or legal tie exists?
Here’s how people reacted:
She was mistaken, and even if you feel bad for the kid, you pretending to love him like a dad when you know that you can’t is far more cruel. It would weigh on you. I don’t think you should cave based on guilt. If you like this kid and wanna be here for him that’s one thing, but you and your wife don’t intend to have children at all.
Sucks for this kid, but this is something he’s going to have to live with, and we can only hope that he has some solid supports in his life probably not his mom, cause yikes.)
I wish all of you the best.
That child is not your child. His mother lied to him, telling him you were his father when she could not be sure of it.
What I advise: do a second DNA test to be 100 sure, without using your existing DNA profile (you never know). I think this will help this young man. I know of a case when the DNA test for a girl was negative but she kept thinking it was a mistake at the lab for years. If the two tests are negative, there can be no doubt in this boy’s mind that you are not his father. It will help him.
After that, you have no responsibility to him. It is very sad but you are not his father.
The mom led her son to believe that you were his father for years and you were unaware. She’s created an idol out of you, for reasons unknown. Now, she wants you to be her sons father? When you already have a life? Ridiculous. I do feel for the kid though, it’s not his fault. My recommendation, being of similar age to the kid myself, is send him a note of closure and encouragement. Be nice and don’t leave him with “I’m not your dad” However, do not feel any need to go any further than that. You are not his father and you have to live your own life.
You didn’t abandon him. Of course he is upset that the person he thought was his dad turned out not to be. But the only person at fault here is maybe his mom. She might have been sure you were the father, but apparently there must habe been at least one other man involved and she should apologize to her son for not knowing/ not telling who his real father is.
If so, those are not accurate or certified in any meaningful way and they vary massively in quality, for anything this important, get a real test done.
There was no relationship there, and you’re not responsible for his mother building up expectations in his mind that you were the only possible father and how great you were. The only person who the TA is the mother for allowing her son to idolize you when she knew there was at least one other possibility.
That poor boy.
I can see why this would be bothering you. I really feel for K and I wish it was different. It isn’t fair to him that he doesn’t know who his father is but you aren’t the asshole because none of that was your doing. You don’t have any responsibility.
I feel for the kid, but he did not spend his life idolizing you, he spent his life idolizing the idea of you. You are a stranger to him just as much as he is to you. The mother is TA. She is the one who lied to him.
You are right in not wanting to be a part of a kid’s life who isn’t your own. But boy, do I feel terrible for that poor kid.