AITA for refusing to go to my dads unless I’m fed properly?

At just seventeen, she navigates the painful distance between fractured family ties and the stifling control of a stepmother whose overbearing grip shadows every moment with her father in Germany. What should be a refuge becomes a prison, where the simplest freedoms—like a warm meal or a night spent outside her room—are cruelly denied, deepening the ache of separation and isolation.

Bound by her struggle with ARFID and the cold confines of a rigid household, her quiet rebellion is a desperate yearning for normalcy and warmth in a world that feels relentlessly cold and controlled. Each meal served cold, each curfew imposed, chips away at her spirit, illuminating a poignant battle for autonomy and love amid fractured family dynamics.

AITA for refusing to go to my dads unless I'm fed properly?

I’m 17f and my parents are separated. My dad lives in another country so I don’t see him much except for holidays. He lives in Germany with my stepmom and 9 year old little sister.

I don’t like my stepmom at all mainly because of her parenting style. Shes a complete helicopter parent. I don’t think my sister has ever actually been out of an adults sight in her life, she’s never just played outside with her friends or anything.

And the most annoying for me is that she has never eaten a hot meal. Like it’s cold being served to her and the reasoning is it might burn her mouth.

Things that apply to my sister also apply to me too. When I’m at my dads I’m usually there for 2+ weeks at a time, and in that entire time I don’t eat anything hot and I’m pretty much confined to my room (which has a bed and that’s it) after 7.

I can live with having to stay in my room but not with being fed cold food. I have ARFID and an already limited diet, I can barely stomach food warm, let alone cold.

Yesterday my dad rang me about booking flights for the summer, and I said no. He tried to guilt me into going and I said I’m not going unless I’m treated like I should be. I told him I will not be going unless everything I eat is hot and that I don’t care if it means eating before my sister, and that I won’t be subjected to her stupid rules anymore.

Here’s how people reacted:

RagdollSeeker

INFO

Do stepmother and father eat cold food too?
I am trying to measure depths of insanity here. 😑

If they are also eating cold food… can you get takeout food? If not, eat their hold hot food? They can explain the child that you became sick so you have to eat special food? Or eat in your room so little one does not become jealous?

Obviously, dad and stepmother will have to pay all those takeout bills.

By the way they need to arm you with a high end console and flock of games if they demand you stay in bed after 7.

You are not spoiled at all. You can not treat a 9 year old and 17 year old the same way, even if one is an insane helicopter parent.

Annaclaire_x

NTA. My step mother forced me to give up my ENTIRE ROOM because she moved in with her 3 kids. I slept on the cold couch in a cold room while they all got fluffy beds and proper blankets.

Personally I don’t like step parents at all, I don’t even like my biological dad. But anyway, the step mum didn’t raise you, she has no say over you even if she counts as a parental guardian for those 2+ weeks. And wtf cold food? Most cold food wouldn’t be fresh anyway unless it’s the recipe to be cold

[deleted]

NTA your step mom is an abusive control freak. Being safe has nothing to do with it. She gets off on making people she has power over miserable and your dad enables her.

Her rules are abusive as hell for a 9 year old as well. The 9 yo will never be a functional adult, she’s missed to many crucial development milestones. Watch that you don’t get shoved in the care taker role for her in 10 years.

I would never go back.

atomicalex0

It’s Germany. You can get drunk if you want. I cannot believe the protection thing, my 10YO (then) was allowed to ride the tram and pretty much completely free-range when we lived there. My kids hated coming home to the US!

NTA and your step-mom is shorting you some of the best experiences in DE – the incredible food! Although please have a fitnessteller for me. It’s the one cold food I miss.

nikokazini

NTA.

Are you expected to go to bed at 7pm at age 17??!! You need to explain to your dad that this is not normal.

Also say you’d like to prep your own food to fit into your dietary requirements. Get your mum to teach you before you go if you don’t know how.

Explain what you’ve said here to your mum and get her to back you up when she next speaks with your dad.

Good luck!

R_Mack

NTA. Have you tried explaining the full situation to your mum? Regardless, your dad is refusing to compromise and his rules will mean that it is not a viable place for you to stay. There are plenty of ways to manage this like letting you cook your own meals as you are 17, but if he is not willing to compromise then you are not willing to put yourself in a miserable position.

yuhju

NTA. At first, I thought the reasoning behind the cold food was going to be health-related, not that a 9-year-old may burn her mouth. WTF. That’s definitely a new one.

It’s also mind-blowing that your mom took your dad’s side. Luckily, you will be 18 soon and able to get away from all this nonsense.

dirtybirdfeeder

Edit to NTA (didn’t realize op couldn’t cook herself food).

Step mom shouldn’t give you a 9 year olds lifestyle, you are 17. But also, you are 17. Make your own food if you can’t eat theirs. Expecting them to make a separate meal just for you is spoiled because you are old enough to feed yourself.

Kandossi

NTA. Though at 17 and with dietary/gastrointestinal issues you could be making your own meals if you don’t like what’s cooking. Is that an option for you to bring up? Also at 17 you shouldn’t have a 7pm bedtime as long as you are being conscientious of your sister’s.

fledermaus1

Is this hot food that’s been left to go cold it are all meals salads, sandwiches etc.?
If stepma is worried about the child burning her mouth why doesn’t stepma check to make sure the food isn’t too hot before serving it?
Is your sister allowed hot water?

PsyBookNerd

NTA. I’d be fuming in that situation. Maybe try explain to your mum what it’s like, possibly your Dad hasn’t told the whole story. Also, I’m so sorry for your little sister, that’ll be even harder in her teens.

curiousbelgian

NTA. At 17 you are old enough to make these decisions, and your dietary issues are not personal quirks but medical necessity, which anyone you are staying with should respond to hospitably.

KeeTaDa

NTA- while cold pizza is food of the gods, every meal for two weeks is torture. Try to work it out so you can spend time with your father, even if you have to warm everything yourself.

CharlieGreenwing

NTA. I wouldn’t even go. Explain to your mother that it’s not “spoiled” of you to want hot food and to be outside of your jail cell after 7.

Awful.

Adlersmomma

Your step mom is light years past a helicopter parent! She needs therapy. Seriously. She is hindering your little sister’s development.

bongwaterbb

NTA. Call cps. Your younger sister is being abused, even if your dad and stepmom don’t necessarily mean to abuse her.

Conclusion

The original poster (OP) expressed strong resistance to visiting their father and stepmother due to restrictive and uncomfortable living conditions, particularly regarding food temperature and curfew, which conflict directly with the OP’s established dietary needs (ARFID). The central conflict lies between the OP’s need for autonomy and appropriate accommodation versus the father’s adherence to the stepmother’s strict parenting structure, further complicated by the mother labeling the OP as spoiled.

Should the OP prioritize their established comfort and dietary requirements by refusing to visit under the current conditions, or is this refusal an overly demanding or spoiled reaction given the limited time spent with their separated father?