Contrasted starkly against her friend’s lively, ever-present clan, where laughter and gatherings are a constant, she feels the sting of what’s missing—a big, bustling family she longs for but never had. In moments meant to celebrate togetherness, the weight of her solitude presses in, turning simple family traditions into quiet reminders of love lost and the fragile hope that still flickers in their small circle.
Over the last 20 years everyone is my close family has died. Both my parents are gone, my grandparents on both sides, all my dad’s uncles, and anyone who is still alive are scattered out among the country.
All I(20f) have left is my siblings and my BIL.
My friend (23f) comes from a different family. All the uncles, aunts, cousins, grandparents have monthly parties, stay in touch, have big celebrations, the works. All of them are still alive and active.
I think she knows I’m sensitive to the topic as I wish I had a big family, as she sometimes makes these comments like ‘You know when you get married your guest list will be so small compared to mine…but hey at least it will be cheap!’ At my mom’s funeral there were still a lot of open chairs and she told me if this was a family member of hers all the seats would be full.
(She is aware of my many, many deceased family members)
I took some pictures of me, my siblings, and my BIL cooking for Thanksgiving and us playing games at the dinner table and post them on social media. She text me privately saying we looked like we were having fun, followed by pics of her huge family, and remarked the dinner table was full of family.
This is where I maybe the asshole, I replied, lovely! Have fun, we’d have a full table too but with the snow it’s was too hard to dig everyone out of their graves.
She was silent for a few hours then replied that joke was morbid and made her uncomfortable, and I really need to check my attitude. AITA?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is dealing with immense grief due to the loss of their entire extended family over two decades, leading to a deep sensitivity regarding family connections. The central conflict arises because the OP’s friend frequently highlights her large, active family, which triggers the OP’s pain, culminating in the OP responding to a passive-aggressive comment with a harsh, dark joke about their deceased relatives.
Was the OP’s response justified as a defense mechanism against repeated emotional jabs, or did the attempt to regain control cross a line into unacceptable cruelty? The debate centers on whether the friend’s insensitive comments negate the OP’s responsibility for their own extreme retort.
Here’s how people reacted:
You could reply
“that you are surprised she is uncomfortable with your morbid joke because since she keeps bringing up and going on about how small your family is knowing full well that the reason for that is they are all DEAD. If it is OK for her to keep referencing your deceased relatives and her live ones then surely it’s OK for you to have a sense of humour about it.”
Follow up with “Actually, I am glad this has come up because in fact it upsets me when you keep pointing out how small my family is, because they ARE all dead and the black humour this time was a coping mechanism. How about you stop going on about it then I won’t need to make dark jokes as a defence.”
As someone who has very little living family left, I may have to borrow your joke. Inadvertent or not, it is hilarious.
Your friend is a tad bit out of touch with your feelings, and I have a feeling that it’s not by accident. She’s boasting in a passive manner and I would definitely call her on it. Don’t allow her to pin her inconsiderate behavior on you. If she was uncomfortable with the joke then good. Now she knows what you feel like when she’s cracking her big family “jokes,” and claiming that it comes from a place of innocence.
If she’s really a friend hash it out, if she’s more an acquaintance then maybe more space
Maybe explain it was meant as a joke but also, her comments comparing her family to yours make you uncomfortable (if it does).
If her comments dont make you uncomfortable but this has annoyed you maybe tell her if she doesnt like your sense of humour about death then you would appreciate it if she stopped comparing her family to yours.
Right on! Serves her right – now might be a good time to counter with “what’s morbid and uncomfortable is you constantly trying to rub your living family in my face. You might want to examine why you do that. This is no longer a topic of conversation welcome between us, please stop bringing it up.”
But if you do that I would expect for the friendship to end
PS It’s not the size of the family; it’s the love shared. My once large family has gotten smaller too, so I know this to be true. Some people don’t have blood relatives. Instead, they share special times with good friends who are their family. I hope you and yours share many wonderful holidays together.
if it makes her uncomfortable its her problem, i would be uncomfertable with her saying how big her family is.
take care op and sorry for your loses
NTA. Your joke made her uncomfortable because you called her out on her bullshit.
What you said was funny anyway, I’d laugh if someone said that to me.
NTA