After learning they were expecting a boy, the husband changed his stance and began pushing to use one of the three family names, despite the user’s initial agreement against obligatory naming. When the user expressed unhappiness, the conflict escalated through weeks of discussions where the husband attempted to compromise by suggesting name pairings, but the user felt pressured, leading her to pause the discussions entirely.
My husband (32m) and I (31f) have been married for 5 years, we have a 2 year old daughter together and I’m expecting our son in a few months. When we met he told me there were some family names for the boys that everyone was encouraged to use and he didn’t want to.
I told him I hated the idea of being obligated to name my kids after other people so that worked for me. He mostly goes by his middle name too because he felt like it allowed him his own identity instead of being another “Tim” in the family.
We had no issues naming our daughter a non-family name. But a few weeks after we found out we were having a boy this time and we had started making a list of names we liked, he started switching things up on me and saying we should pick one of the three family names.
I told him I wasn’t okay with that and he was like come on, it’s not a big deal and even if you don’t like them it makes everyone else happy. I asked him why the sudden switch up and he said it was to make his family happy.
And I asked him was he willing to do that at the expense of me being unhappy and he said no. But then he asked what we could pair those names with to make it okay and he started suggesting middle names for those three as first names to try and change my mind.
This continued for weeks and I told him we needed a break from baby names before we started outright fighting over this. He apologized and agreed to stopping the name talk for a few weeks.
When we went back to it he started suggesting names for our list that I just thought were awful and would never use. They were so unlike the names already on our list. And then he was like the family names aren’t so bad now and I said the answer to them was still no.
I suggested we could use them as middle names if he really wanted to and he said we could easily use a name we love as a middle name and use the family names first.
Then we were at his family’s house a couple of weekends ago to celebrate his niece’s birthday. It was a low key thing and just dinner. But it turned into a shitshow of everyone ganging up on me and asking why I was against the family names and could I honestly think of better names.
I was told the names we liked were just okay and some were downright awful but these three family names were amazing, fabulous, full of charm and other compliments that I felt went a bit over the top with how much emphasis was put on them basically being the three best boys names to ever exists ever.
My husband was joining in with them and I was being told that I acted like giving birth made me the more important parent and how it should matter what they and my husband want. That I can suck it up and deal with it to make him and them happy.
How as this is a boy he should get priority in naming him. And that I’m so selfish for trying to break this wonderful family tradition.
By that point I was just done with it and I took my daughter and went home leaving my husband there. He was upset when he got home and asked me why I left him behind and why I stormed out like that in the first place.
I told him that they all ganged up on me so why would I stay. And I told him he wasn’t being a very good or supportive husband right now and that I wasn’t in the mood to act like things were perfectly fine.
He apologized since but his family are saying I made him apologize when he didn’t need to and I acted childishly and I’m blowing things up over a name which seems unfair. They even said it’s not like it’s a single name because I have three to choose from which is better than some families offer.
I feel like they make it sound worse and worse to me. Like there’s rules around naming babies or something. My husband and I still are working through stuff. But AITA?
Conclusion
The central conflict revolves around the husband’s sudden change in priority, shifting from respecting his wife’s wishes to prioritizing his family’s happiness by insisting on using family names for their son, even after the wife expressed strong opposition. This pressure culminated in a family event where the wife felt ganged up on and unsupported by her husband, causing her to leave abruptly.
The debate centers on whether the wife was justified in leaving the family gathering due to the group pressure and her husband’s lack of support, or if her reaction was an overreaction to a disagreement over naming conventions. Should parental autonomy outweigh familial tradition in this matter?
Here’s how people reacted:
By the time she was one, she winced every time someone called her by her first name. By 1.5 years, she was refusing to answer to that name and had chosen a different name – not even close to the nickname I used. This child would scream this name, beating her chest with her tiny hand, demanding that she be called her preferred name. She introduced herself to other people by HER name.
We adopted when she was 2.5 years old. I put her preferred name as her middle name (on her new birth certificate) but kept the first as her legal name (heaven forbid anyone should stand up to the active addict). 2.5 years later, in kindergarten, she refused to answer to her given name when attendance was taken. Teacher reprimanded her. I had a LONG conversation with all the administrators and teachers.
This school had no room for a child’s preferred name! Alfred Dinglhopper Chumsky III went by his middle name, too. When the teacher took attendance in first grade, both Alfred/Trey and my girl would howl. I made such a stink that the school finally provided a ‘preferred name’ slot.
We are divorcing and my child wants to drop her first name, get a new birth certificate. This shall be done.
We finally found a name we both loved! And together we went to Vital Records to legally change his first name on his birth certificate. (He has 2 birth certificates Birth Certificate and Corrected Birth Certificate).
His oldest sister, (hubby’s daughter from his 1st marriage) eventually did have a son of her own – and she did not give her son the name she wanted to force on my son!
Can’t remember if you mentioned how far along you are, but I would suggest couple counseling. Tell the therapist about these 3 names and the conversation you had before marriage or children how he would never want to use them. But now suddenly they are the greatest ever. And the gang up. Let him explain it to the therapist how his behavior is not bullshit.
If you are too far along for that, then you need to make YOUR birth plan clear with the nurses and that needs to include NOONE allowed in that isn’t approved by you only and do NOT bring the birth certificate forms in to be filled out until you are alone. That your husband is not to be trusted with them or decision making for you or baby. (And figure out someone you DO trust. They need to be there for you in delivery to make decisions when/if you cant.)
I was also upfront about it from the beginning and that it was important to me, but that the middle name was wide open and would probably be the name they go by.
Perhaps this could be a solution? If they insist on using the name that they want, and that it has to be what the child goes by, tell them as soon as they have another child they can name it whatever they want. In the meantime, they get to tell you how much they love the name you guys pick together or they can fuck right off.
What everyone else said BUT at one point you even tried to meet him half way with suggesting the “family names” be a middle name and that wasn’t good enough.
Just know, no matter what you name the baby, YOU WILL NEVER HEAR THE END OF THIS. Even if you did go with a family name. Choices need to be made here. And they are serious.
Beat of luck. Don’t give in to please them, name your baby what you want. If you don’t, you will regret it. I’d even suggest naming the baby, signing the birth certificate when he’s not there. Don’t let the register person try to force the idea of both parents having to sign the birth certificate, it’s not really needed
When we were pregnant with #4, we decided to not share the name until baby was born since there were opinions given the previous pregnancies. People were offering our older kids $100 for the info, and the kids were like “pfft, they haven’t told us the name” (because we knew people would do that).
Stop entertaining other people’s opinions of baby names. And if your husband doesn’t get his act together, make the consequences clear. Also inform the nurses at the hospital that there is contention about the baby name so please verify with you before filing the form with the vital statistics agency. Put it in writing in your birth plan.
I hate traditions like this. I had a friend who was Jeremy Lee the 5th or some such idiocy. Every boy in that was family was expected to be named Jeremy Lee or Michael. It was dumb as hell and they thought it was sooooo funny.
I went to a wedding with him and the vast majority of the boys named Michael used their middle names. One of them even had their name legally changed.
The only people who like this shit are the boomers who push it. Your kid has a right to their own identity.
My maternal family has so many men with one name that they all have nicknames. It’s a dumb tradition that has died out as not a single grandchild has that name.
I hate that the husband flipped on OP. First he said that he hated having a family name and now he’s all in. He needs to pick a side, and it needs to be his wife’s side. He’s creating unnecessary drama for something that truly doesn’t matter in the big scheme of things.
I’m really proud of you for leaving with your daughter, by the way. And leaving husband behind. That was a power move, and showed them you won’t be harassed.
Tell your husband that he has two choices.
Move in with his family or man up to his family.
No sex. He sleeps on the couch. Freeze him out.
If this shit doesn’t stop, he’s going to be parenting alone half the time, and will no longer have a wife and family. You will not tolerate this abuse during the most fragile and vulnerable time of your life.
And when he questions you, you have the perfect opportunity to say “I hadn’t realised until now how important family names were to you, Tim. I want to respect your feelings on this. Because you, Tim, are important to me.”
He’s so sold on using the family names, let him walk the walk. NTA.
Couples get to name their child not extended family or anyone else. All his relatives are free to name their children whatever they want and stay out of your business
It’s sad that OP’s husband is so weak he’ll bend to extended family pressure so easily
You have these compromise names which belong to neither family.