What was meant to be a sanctuary of mourning has become a battleground of cold cruelty and betrayal. Her husband’s icy disdain and relentless accusations have stripped away her dignity, while his infidelity cuts deeper than any words. In the midst of her silent suffering, she faces a devastating betrayal—watching him find happiness with another, a stark reminder of how fragile love can become in the wake of unimaginable loss.
Two years ago, we lost our 8-month-old son to pneumonia. I was devastated, and the guilt and pain have never left me. I did everything I could for him I took him to every appointment, gave him his medication, and followed all the doctor’s orders.
But even after all that, he didn’t survive. I thought my husband and I would grieve together, but instead, he has spent these two years blaming me, constantly reminding me that “a better mother” wouldn’t have let this happen.
The worst part is how he treats me now. Since our son’s death, he’s turned cold and cruel, treating me like an animal. He’s openly disrespectful, dismissive, and degrading, and he brings up our son’s death at every opportunity to paint me as a failure.
It hurts even more because he’s taken this grief as a free pass to cheat on me, and I’m just expected to accept it.
A few months ago, I saw him in the mall with another woman. They were walking together, laughing, and he looked… happy. I confronted them both on the spot, hoping he’d at least feel some shame, but instead, he got furious.
He turned it around on me, saying I had “no right” to be upset when, according to him, I’m the reason he lost his son in the first place. He even told the woman I was “unstable,” and she looked at me with pity, like I was some kind of deranged ex.
That moment felt like rock bottom.
Now I’m at a breaking point. I don’t know if I can take any more of his abuse, accusations, or infidelity. But every time I consider leaving, I feel like he’ll just tell everyone that I abandoned him and “couldn’t handle” my supposed guilt.
Some people in his family already think I’m the reason our son died, thanks to what he’s been saying behind my back. It’s like he’s set me up to look like a monster no matter what I do.
Am I the asshole for finally wanting to walk away from this marriage? Or am I selfish for even thinking of leaving him while he’s still grieving, even if his grief has turned into resentment and cruelty toward me?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is trapped between immense personal grief over the loss of her son and ongoing emotional and verbal abuse from her husband, compounded by his infidelity. Her desire to leave is a reaction to severe mistreatment, yet she is conflicted by the fear of being judged by her husband and his family as abandoning him during his grief.
Is the OP selfish for prioritizing her mental survival and walking away from a marriage defined by abuse and infidelity, or is she morally obligated to stay and support a grieving partner, regardless of his cruel behavior toward her?
Here’s how people reacted:
However WTF was your husband in all of this? Why was he not involved in appointments, medication, doctor visits??
Wild how people can blame shift when they were absent.
“That moment felt like rock bottom.”
Good! Use that as fuel to GTFO! He wants a kid, give him his freedom papers and LEAVE. Your husband is abusive and you caught him with his next target.
“But every time I consider leaving, I feel like he’ll just tell everyone that I abandoned him and “couldn’t handle” my supposed guilt.”
WTF CARES! So what?? This is all irrelevant noise you DO NOT have to listen to. You are MAKING A CHOICE TO GET SUCKED UP IN IT. DO NOT!
You need to worry about your mental and physical wellbeing. Pack it up and leave QUIETLY.
1. Get a lawyer.
2. Get as much evidence of his infidelity/abuse as possible for the divorce.
3. Pack all of your important documents, essentials, clothing and hid them.
4. When he is away, leave. Look for close reliable friends and family for help. If not look into some shelters for women.
5. Do you own or rent? If rent contact landlord, explain situation, SEPERATE YOUR FINANCES ASAP.
Good luck OP! You got this!
No one deserves to be treated with the kind of disrespect, infidelity, and manipulation you’re enduring. His grief does not give him the right to abuse you, and staying in a situation where you’re constantly belittled, accused, and mistreated is not healthy or sustainable. You deserve compassion, not to be the target of someone else’s misplaced guilt.
Walking away doesn’t mean you’re “abandoning” him; it means you’re choosing to protect yourself from further harm. You’re not selfish for wanting peace and a chance to heal. Don’t let him or anyone else make you feel guilty for that. Surround yourself with people who support you, and consider seeking counseling to work through everything you’ve been through. Stay strong, and remember you’re not alone.
At the same time your POS husband needs to go. How dare he force you to carry the weight of your son’s passing? Where the hell was he? And now he has the nerve to treat you like this, talk bad about you publicly, and cheat on you? It doesn’t matter what he says to anyone, you don’t deserve any of this treatment! Divorce him, and move on with your life! Cut out any of those toxic people willing to believe his bs as well. Most sane people will know differently.
Someday soon it will hit him as to the mistake he’s made in treating you like this, and forcing you to leave him. Hopefully by then you will have moved on to a man that loves you, respects you, and supports you on those days when you grieve for your son. Best wishes, and again so sorry for your loss.
OP leave that nasty narc of a husband you don’t deserve any of this horrible treatment. Normal people don’t grieve like this OP. He is using your baby’s passing as an excuse to treat you like garbage. Don’t let him know your plans as he might become violent. Narcs don’t like it when their scapegoat tries to leave.
First find a safe place you can stay, then slowly gather your important documents and items and leave quietly when he’s out of the house then have him served with divorce papers. Once you’re finally away from this psycho you will feel like a shadow has been lifted from your soul.
Narcs can do some pretty nasty damage to their victims minds where they’ve found you can actually have brain damage from being with a narc for too long. That damage can heal thankfully over time as long as you stay completely away from him. Stay safe and hope you can heal from this traumatic experience 🫂
When my 16 year old died by his own actions, my husband was grieving in his own way. A month later, I went to a Compassionate Friends meeting alone. The support there was so helpful. Bless you as you find your path forward.
My advice is to drop him completely. Seems like he was done with you long before now and is pushing you out of his life. Do the same. Something you could look into is possibly moving somewhere new once you get some ground under your feet again. If you’re worried about everyone thinking less of you then just pick yourself up and start over somewhere else. I know that’s easier said than done, but just have faith in yourself.
The loss of your child is not anyone’s fault if you did all that you can. Be kind to yourself.
You did everything you could for your son and are NOT to blame in any way, shape, or form.
Your husband is scum. Abusing you, cheating on you, and blaming you. He feels guilty and is passing his guilt onto you.
If anyone believes his garbage lies, they are not worth having in your life.
Keep your son in your heart, divorce your AH husband, and build a better, happier life. You deserve it.
“I’m being emotionally and psychologically abused after a horrific loss, does the place that tells people to leave their partners all the time think I have a good enough reason to leave?”
Definitely leave. You would be TA to yourself if you stayed.
Please stop torturing yourself.