Invited to stand as Maid of Honour, she prepared for the moment with hope and excitement, only to discover that her partner and children have been cruelly uninvited. In a heart-shattering twist, the family she cherishes is cast aside, leaving her to grapple with the devastating choice between loyalty to blood and the love that defines her own family.
I (33f) have been with my bf (35m) for over 10 years now. We have 2 kids together (twins) aged 8.
I have an older sister (38) Nina who is getting married to Dan (37m). She has a 16 yo and a 5yo from her previous relationship. She have known Dan for about 2 years. Her wedding is in 2 weeks time, I was meant to be a Maid of Honour and had my final dress fitting and everything about a week ago, since Nina is very particular how she wants her wedding to go so the dresses took 2-3 months to be made.
The MOH dress and bridesmaid dresses are slightly different where MOH dress looks more upgraded compared to bridesmaid and is closer in style to the bride dress. Because I’m her only sister Nina said she couldn’t imagine anyone else wearing the MOH dress.
Last week I found out that neither my boyfriend nor my twins are invited to the wedding as my sister has cancelled their invitations (the wedding is not child free since her kids and our nephews and nieces are going to be there).
When I have asked her what is wrong she said she doesn’t feel comfortable having my bf at her wedding because we are still not married and since the twins were born outside of marriage, they can’t come in too.
I was furious and have reminded her that she herself has 2 kids that were born “outside of marriage” (this is her first marriage) and she is currently pregnant with another one. Nina said she “understood her sins and is working to redeem them”, but her word is final.
So me alongside with few others bridemaids have pulled out from the wedding and told her we will not be coming since Nina decided to uninvite our boyfriends and kids. I have also said I will not be giving my MOH dress either since I have fully paid for it and for all the fittings.
My sister called me an asshole and is asking our parents to do something, since she can’t have another MOH and the dress will take too long to be made and everything is already fully paid.
AITA?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is facing a significant conflict arising from her sister’s exclusionary wedding demands, which targeted her unmarried status and her children. The OP reacted by withdrawing her support, including resigning as Maid of Honor and refusing to surrender the custom-made dress she paid for, leading to an intense family rift.
Given the sister’s public judgment of the OP’s long-term relationship and children while ignoring her own similar history, should the OP stand firm on her decision to prioritize her immediate family’s dignity over her sister’s wedding wishes, or is the financial and logistical disruption caused by her withdrawal an overreaction?
Here’s how people reacted:
Are your children not also family?
Let me give you a look at what my family’s version of what “because family” bullshit looks like 20 years into the future. In our variation upon this theme, one of the earliest foreshadowings of things to come involved the bridal shower and hotel accommodations at my sister’s wedding. I was a bridesmaid rather than MOH and was excluded from any planning of the shower or wedding. Following that, my then-husband, our children and I were the only members of the immediate family and bridal party not included in the block of rooms reserved at the hotel. After traveling 6 hours to the wedding rehearsal, we discovered we had to find a room in a college town on a tournament weekend.
My sister and I are now both over 50. Our family of origin is abusive and included Family Court involvement. My assigned role in our family of origin is scapegoat and hers is golden child. We were both equally abused and each parentized, but in very different ways. As a result of the family dynamic, we’ve never been particularly close.
Over the course of at least the past 35 years, our parents have condoned all sorts of assholery on her part “because family” and because her treatment of me and my children was an effective furtherance of the scapegoat & golden child roles.
Nearly 25 years ago, I explained to her that we did not have to be the products of our upbringing. We did not have to continue the dysfunction of our childhoods. We could choose to have a healthy relationship as adults, it would take conscious effort, and I was willing to go to the ecclesiastical or secular counseling of her choice to rebuild our sibling relationship. She declined.
10+ years ago, I went as LC with my sister, our parents, and their siblings as is possible, given that we all live in the same area.
Our parents are now aging and have placed what can only be justly described as an undue burden on my sister in regard to management of their daily lives. She has neither the personality, skills set, nor professional connections to provide the level of support they expect and require, yet is patently unwilling to refuse the role or permit me to assist in any way. The resultant effect of all this is: our parents frequently experience medical crises. Any time the situation spirals out of control and our parents’ siblings feel that my sister has failed to step in on our parents’ behalf (which by then the situation is pretty bad), I receive a spate of phone calls demanding that I step in and do something “because family.” The last time I stepped in, it took me nearly 2 years to pay off the attorney.
Three years ago, in the midst of yet another parental health crisis, I finally had enough and told her that I wanted nothing more to do with her. Ever. I have not blocked her, but I do not initiate contact and keep responses brief. Our extended family have at times tried to get involved and force a “reconciliation” which would amount to my agreeing to not have any healthy boundaries whatsoever. I tell them if they want someone to step in, then they need to call adult protection.
Our parents have recently begun to express that they wish we got along better. With diminished cognitive function now part of their medical reality, there’s no merit in discussions with them about how 50+ years of their parenting decisions created this situation. I’ve told them as much of the truth as they can at this point handle: for several years, every time my sister spoke to me she effectively looked me in the face and lied to me (at their request). I don’t have anything to say to someone like that.
So, your choice is to either make the uncomfortable and unpopular decision to stand up to your sister’s nonsense now or continue dealing with it until you *have* had enough.
If she calls and apologized…don’t back down.
I would actually cut the dress in every small pieces and send it back to her FedEx, letting her know that just like that dress, your relationship with her is now in pieces.
If you feel especially petty, those small business wood burning people would make a beautiful commemorative plaque; and I think Matthew 7 would be a fitting verse for her to learn from.
Maybe I’m petty, but I’d be going out on the day of her wedding in that bridesmaid dress with the other bridesmaids that pulled out and plastering pics of us all having fun all over social media. Maybe add the hashtag “living in sin” to all the pics while I’m at it.
The utter hypocrisy! Then to basically call not only your children but her own “sins” is just…well…if nothing else, a sound reason to drop out of the wedding.
She’s a literally hypocrit and she expects that people should put up with her hypocrital bs because she’s getting married. Being married doesn’t give someone a free pass to being a jerk to other people and their family.
not to mention a nearly 40yr old running to mommy and daddy for help … she needs to remove the pacifier and grow up.