Yet beneath the surface of this hopeful reunion, a single careless joke shattered the fragile peace, exposing wounds deeper than the virus itself. What was meant as lighthearted banter ignited a fierce response, revealing the raw, unspoken struggles that had been silently endured—reminding them all how delicate the bonds of love and respect truly are.
My wife and I are in our 60s and nearing retirement. We have 3 sons in their 20s and 30s, the older two are married and the oldest has a 1-year old son. We all live within an hour of each other, but due to the pandemic we have not gotten together much the last 6 months.
We even had to do a zoom call for my grandson’s 1st birthday since his parents didn’t want a group gathering. With Thanksgiving coming up, we have all been staying home and taking every precaution so that we can all get together for the holiday.
My oldest son and his wife will be hosting.
The other day in the family group chat, my two DILs and my wife were venting about the pandemic and how hard and exhausting it all has been trying to juggle working from home, childcare, family, etc.
I made a lighthearted joke about them toughening up and told them all to grow a pair. My oldest son’s wife sent a long message about how that kind of language is damaging and that if I ever said anything like that to her son, that it would be the last thing I said to him.
She also sent a link to an article about toxic masculinity.
I read the article and then sent my DIL a private message telling her that I read it but that I don’t agree with it and she should stop whining. She didn’t respond, so the next morning I sent her another message telling her we should strive to have a complaint-free day.
She didn’t respond to that either.
Well last night, my oldest son called to tell us that they will no longer be hosting Thanksgiving. He said that their daycare had a covid scare and they have to get their son tested.
He said that they no longer want to host and will be staying home as a family instead. My wife is very upset by this as she loves family holidays and not having all her sons around this year has been very hard on her.
I called my son to tell him this and to try to change his mind. I told him that as long as their son tests negative, that there is no reason we can’t all still get together. I told him that we have all been staying home and taking precautions and I didn’t want that to be for nothing and that his mother is distraught over this.
He told me this wasn’t a debate or a negotiation, he and his wife have made their decision. He then said he loved me but that I’m an asshole and should stop whining and complaining then he hung up.
My wife is still very upset that we won’t see everyone for the holiday, but now she’s also pissed off at me because apparently my son and DIL told her what I said to DIL and my wife agrees with them that I was a jerk.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is facing significant emotional distress because the planned family Thanksgiving gathering has been canceled, primarily due to a conflict stemming from his dismissive comments towards his daughter-in-law’s stress. The central conflict is between the OP’s desire to maintain traditional family gatherings and enforce a dismissive view of emotional expression, versus his son and daughter-in-law prioritizing their boundaries and emotional safety in response to his actions.
Given the breakdown in communication, the question remains whether the OP’s initial joke and subsequent follow-up messages were appropriate provocations that warranted the cancellation, or if the son and DIL overreacted to a minor incident, thereby sacrificing a significant family tradition?
Here’s how people reacted:
>I made a lighthearted joke about them toughening up and told them all to grow a pair.
Oh alright, bit of an aged joke since “Dropping/Growing a pair” hasn’t been funny since at least the 80s. But not YtA materi…
>I read the article and then sent my DIL a private message telling her that I read it but that I don’t agree with it and she should stop whining.
Oh GOT IT. it wasn’t a joke, you literally just don’t think venting and complaining are two separate things.
>She didn’t respond, so the next morning I sent her another message telling her we should strive to have a complaint-free day. She didn’t respond to that either.
Yeah, because when someone is being a literal child you ignore them. A complaint free day? Do YOU have complaint free days? Clearly not if you spend your mornings as a full grown fucking man having catty text fights with your son’s wife.
>I called my son to tell him this and to try to change his mind. I told him that as long as their son tests negative, that there is no reason we can’t all still get together. I told him that we have all been staying home and taking precautions and I didn’t want that to be for nothing
You’re watching the news right? Covid is back for round three and swinging like he will eventually bite your ear off.
>. He then said he loved me but that I’m an asshole and should stop whining and complaining then he hung up.
>My wife is still very upset that we won’t see everyone for the holiday, but now she’s also pissed off at me because apparently my son and DIL told her what I said to DIL and my wife agrees with them that I was a jerk.
Lol at your son playing your own game with you.
You WERE/ARE a jerk. Listen man, if your In a room with 2 people and they all say you are a jerk, and then tell the third person what you said, and THEY think you’re a jerk. Well fuck dude, you might JUST BE A JERK. Go apologize for not acting your age, tell them you do understand their choice, and work with them to find a meet in the middle. Maybe you can hand off some food each and figure it out. I’m starting to think this whole post is less about Thanksgiving and more of you wanting a pass for being a jerk.
*told them all to grow a pair / I read the article … but that I don’t agree with it and she should stop whining / we should strive to have a complaint-free day*
Maybe stop being an ass? When someone tells you – TELLS YOU OUTRIGHT – that you’ve insulted them, maybe don’t double-down on that insult? That would go a long way towards the ‘complaint-free’ day.
*He said that their daycare had a covid scare / been taking precautions and I didn’t want that to be for nothing*
You realize your kids are cancelling for your safety, right? And you are whining because it’s putting YOU out?
*My wife is still very upset that we won’t see everyone for the holiday*
Welp better that than dead from a fatal virus.
You are like half the old men in my family, including my father. Nothing is as important as themselves, no opinion is as right or justified as their own.
Take this falling out as a huge sign. Sort yourself out or you are going to be very lonely in your old age.
Edited for clarity.
> if I ever said anything like that to her son, that it would be the last thing I said to him
Clear, identified rules. “I don’t like this language”.
> I read it but that I don’t agree with it and she should stop whining
Totally dismissive and rude.
>so the next morning I sent her another message telling her we should strive to have a complaint-free day
Antagonistic.
So you realised she was upset, and rather than apologising, you told her she was whining and complaining, and now you’re upset that she thinks you’re being a dick? You were being a dick. Don’t be a dick to people that hold the access to your grandkids or you lose access to your grandkids.
Why should she put up with you insulting her?
>He then said he loved me but that I’m an asshole and should stop whining and complaining then he hung up.
haha.
You played stupid games, you won truly stupid prizes.
You thought you held the power, you poked at her and now you’re surprised she’s not dealing with your shit.
>
> she should stop whining
Yep you sound like YTA. She’s going through a tough time and you dismissed it. You used dismissive and obnoxious language. She told you it bothered her and you double and tripled down on it instead of trying to be polite.
> He then said he loved me but that I’m an asshole and should stop whining and complaining then he hung up.
And your son rocks
YTA
Then doubled down on it
Then tripled downed on it
And now your reaping what you sowed
Also as a guy who was away from work a lot
Maybe don’t joke about how hard it is to raise a kid and work from home during a pandemic
Maybe don’t joke about something you don’t know about
Maybe don’t joke about other people’s very real struggles
Telling them to “toughen up and grow a pair” was a jerk comment.
Whining about having a holiday that they’re not comfortable with is self absorbed. And whiny.
Maybe you should take your own advice and “toughen up”.
You sound exhausting and difficult.