But on her daughter’s birthday, a day meant for joy, a simple act of trust is shattered. The father’s harsh refusal turns into a quiet betrayal, stealing away the sweet treasures meant to brighten a young girl’s world. In that moment, a child’s tears speak volumes about the unseen battles waged within a family — battles over control, fairness, and the aching need to be understood.
My husband and I have a 12 year old daughter and an 8 year old son. My husband is the “no” parent. For as long as I can remember he will say no in stores or sports games to the kid’s requests for snacks or toys, even if they offer to pay with their own cash.
I don’t undermine my husband when we are together but when I have the kids alone, I do tend to say yes (within reason of course, and not to every single thing).
Two days ago was my daughter’s birthday. It’s her second birthday that we’ve been in lockdown and I bought her 2 boxes of her favorite candy, along with her gifts. My daughter ate some of the Swedish fish out of the first box and decided to save the rest on her dresser where her brother is too short to reach and assumed us the parents wouldn’t take any.
Well was I wrong. I awoke to my daughter crying that her dad had eaten her second box of Swedish fish and some out of the first box and only left her with a few. I checked the trash in our bedroom and confirmed my husband had eaten them.
I was FURIOUS. I screamed at him that he is a grown man who can go to the store and buy whatever the fuck he wants without anyone to tell him no. While he always says no to our kids and the rare time she gets to eat her favorite candy, his ass has to eat it.
He said we were both making a big deal over candy. I told him it was more than just candy, that he obviously doesn’t like seeing the kids happy, and he’s a thief. I took my kids with to my sister’s house to cool down, and bought my daughter more Swedish fish to make up for the ones that my husband stole.
We’re still at my sister’s house a day later. Until my husband can truly apologize to his child, the thought of him disgusts me. AITA?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is deeply distressed by her husband’s consumption of their daughter’s birthday candy, viewing this action as a direct act of malice and a violation of trust, especially given his established pattern of denying children’s reasonable wants. The central conflict lies between the OP’s protective instinct to ensure her children experience joy and the husband’s controlling behavior, which manifests as withholding pleasure from the children and then taking it for himself.
The core question is whether the husband’s action of eating the child’s special birthday candy, after consistently denying the children simple pleasures, constitutes unforgivable behavior warranting temporary separation, or if the OP is overreacting to an isolated incident involving only candy?
Here’s how people reacted:
That experiment placed a marshmallow in front of a child and offered them two marshmallows a little later if the child didn’t eat it right away, then the researchers tracked those children’s success later in life. It attracted a lot of attention because kids who pass the marshmallow test fare significantly better later on. The original researchers attributed those results to self-control. Later reassessments found the results also track by socioeconomics. In other words, children who grow up in poverty are forced to think short term because they’re constantly competing for resources: life has taught them not to expect that there will be *any* marshmallow if they wait a few minutes on the promise of getting two.
So if your daughter had eaten all of her candy immediately, then she wouldn’t have lost any. Obviously binge eating is not a good life lesson to impress on a child. Other angles this episode is teaching your daughter include whether her parents are trustworthy, whether stealing is acceptable, and whether other people deserve empathy during a time of hardship.
This thread has sympathetic comments from people whose birthday candy or holiday candy was eaten away by an adult who pulled rank and left them with almost nothing. It’s safe to say those episodes get remembered for a lifetime because of the important occasion, the disappointed trust, and the power differential.
If it were *just some candy* as your husband claims then he he would rush right out and replace it immediately. Your husband knows your daughter was apprehensive her brother might take it; that’s why she put it up high out of her brother’s reach. He also knows she was in tears the next morning as a direct result of his own action.
Either your husband is obtuse or he’s cruel. That weighs especially because this is the second pandemic birthday for your daughter, with all that implies.
Well done for standing up for her. There are probably other issues to work out beyond the scope of this sub, but what your daughter needed was a parent who validated her reaction and took steps to make things right. Yelling and heading to your sister’s are drastic steps, but it shouldn’t take drastic steps for your husband to realize he erred. That’s on him, not you.
He would do the same with sweets as well. He would eat his quick then ask for one of mine. You couldn’t say no because he would throw a tantrum. If you ask him for something of his he would also throw a tantrum. Again it led to some unhealthy eating habits as well. Basically eating everything you got given as quickly as possible so you didn’t have to share.
That and other reasons mean I don’t talk to him anymore.
What is NOT a good lesson to teach kids is that when they do listen to their parents and are finally given something they ask for, that at any given moment the parents can change their mind and take it back, and that nothing given to them they actually get to have ownership of. This poor girl is going to feel like nothing is safe in her own home and she has to protect everything she is given. Your husband needs to own up for his crappy, impulsive behavior and until he does you have every right to be disgusted by him.
Yes, I get whatever belongs to the child belongs to the parent. But parents should respect boundaries. I don’t imagine it’s good for the child’s sense of self-worth if she grows up thinking that anything she has, her parents can take on a whim. Even something as inconsequential as candy. It’s not like the family was starving and he robbed her piggy bank to pay for food. This was just candy. Something he doesn’t need, but felt like taking because he could.
Which makes him a bully.
No, you’re not making a big deal out of this. Your husband needs to apologize to his daughter.
You’re reaction by taking them to your sisters is a bit of an overreaction but he still needs to apologize for taking the candy.
Some would say your behavior was over the top. More likely, this incident was just the straw that broke the camel’s back.
So, NTA.
Aww someone gave me an award that’s super sweet
Your husband…went into your daughter’s room, opened her dresser, and ate part of her birthday present??
What the hell??
> He said we were both making a big deal over candy.
No. He went into her room and ate part of her birthday present. There’s a stunning lack of respect here for his daughter’s privacy and individuality.
I expect candy stealing from another child, not a grown ass man.
The fact that he didn’t think of her feelings at all is really concerning.
If candy isn’t a big deal why does he never allow the children to buy it, even with their own money?
Then ask him to explain what life lesson he is teaching your daughter by stealing her candy, not apologizing for taking it and not replacing it.
He stole from his own child, his actions were disgusting and he owes your daughter an apology.
He said no to everything but goes into his daughters room and steals her own birthday candy. That’s ridiculous. He’s a grown ass man legitimately stealing candy from a child. You did the right thing. He owes his daughter the most heartfelt apology.
There’s probably a deeper reason as to why you reacted this way since all you had to do was replace the candy and bring it up with him later. ESH (except the kid)