Faced with a challenge that cut deeper than expected, the couple chose resilience over confrontation, meeting ignorance with humor and grace. Their response was a quiet defiance, a testament to love’s strength in the face of prejudice, and a gentle reminder that identity is not a puzzle to be solved but a truth to be honored.
My family (my folks, my brother and his family, my sister and her family, me and my husband) had our first get together since the thing started on the weekend (we’re all vaccinated now), during which I discovered my formerly adorably precocious kid of a nephew has hit his ‘edgy teen’ stage with gusto.
He had an attitude all afternoon, which culminated in him asking me and my husband (gay couple) which of us was the ‘woman’. I was pretty taken aback and just said ‘neither of us, we’re both men, that’s the point’, at which point he came up with some evo-psych BS about how male always seeks female and therefore even with two guys, one will always be the more feminine or something.
The thing is, I *know* he knows better and his whole attitude was blatantly just trying to get a rise. I didn’t feel like ruining a nice afternoon by giving it to him, so instead I decided to make a joke of it and told him seriously that no one had told us that and in that case we’d better figure it out asap huh.
My husband grabbed a notepad, drew columns for each of us, and we started noting down our various ‘feminine’ and ‘masculine’ aspects, deliberately absurd stuff like I wear more pink but he cries easier, he’s much better at sports but I’ve got him beat in survival skills, etc.
At some point the other adults minus my folks drifted over to see what we were doing. My brother immediately wanted to join in, saying he’d never really been sure in their case either, so he abd his wife started their own list, and my sister and her husband (parents of nephew) followed suite.
It was honestly pretty funny, we made up a points system and debated the gendering of breakfast foods. My nephew got more and more sulky (we kept asking for his verdicts) until finally he walked away in disgust and ended up hardly saying a word for the rest of the afternoon.
At the time I thought it was a harmless and amusing way of making a point about the stupidity of his argument without giving him the satisfaction of the ‘you’re too sensitive’ rise he was obviously looking for, but earlier today from his brother (19 – he was not at the get-together) saying my nephew was really upset and accusing us of being a bunch of adults ganging up on a child, and of drawing his own parents into it.
I honestly hadn’t thought of it in that light, and now that I do, I must admit it’s not a great look. I still think he’s old enough to not be catered to when he acts like this though.
AITA?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) and their husband responded to a provocative and inappropriate question from their nephew by employing humor and turning the situation into a lighthearted, absurd game involving the entire family. While the OP felt this diffused tension and subtly countered the nephew’s bigoted comment without escalating conflict, the nephew perceived this collective action as an adult ‘ganging up’ on him, leading to genuine upset.
The core question remains whether the OP’s indirect, humorous defense against the nephew’s challenging behavior was a justified tactic to maintain family harmony and educate subtly, or if it unfairly targeted and isolated the teen, making the adults complicit in creating an uncomfortable environment for him. Should direct confrontation be prioritized over shared, absurdist deflection in such situations?
Here’s how people reacted:
**NTA**, not even a little bit. He could’ve realized his mistake and joined in, but his little feelers were hurt because ***his plan to hurt you and your husband failed.*** It is just not okay in any way that he was doing this ***on purpose***, and I think he is 100% the AH. Youth can excuse some things, but not this deliberate attempt to emotionally abuse others.
Nobody “ganged up” on anyone. He got exactly what he deserved, in a very harmless and gentle way. Don’t apologize – it would send the wrong message.
Honestly, it sounds like your nephew would have been sulky and upset if you had responded in *any way* other than affirming is his misguided views. As a teenager, he is old enough to learn that if he dishes out bigoted statements, he needs to be prepared for pushback. Your form of pushback was incredibly gentle, and he should be grateful for that.
and his brother needs to stay out of things when he wasn’t there
Also you didn’t “gang up” on him. You mocked his homphobia and gender essentalism and got other people to join in and question their own prejudices. It might be there’s a learning experience here for the young man.
EDIT: This could be a solid exercise in the right context. What actions or behaviors are “masculine” or “feminine” and why do you think that?
Lucky Charms are a Hetro-Male food and I’ll fight anyone who says otherwise.
Edit:. This is less important, but NTA. He’s old enough to know to not ask that kind of thing. Play stupid games win stupid prizes.
He was being a brat , he knew it.
He dished it and couldn’t take it, said loosely because you didn’t even really dish it back. You joked on yourselves. Not him.
I think it was a great way to make the point of how ridiculous that statement was.
What a hilarious way to pwn your nephew. This is truly spectacular. Responding like this is profoundly more effective in teaching your nephew a lesson than the alternative of either getting angry or deflecting. Well played, Sir
NTA
And if your nephew is old enough to say something homophobic, then he is old enough to learn that actions have consequences
He’s a teenager, he should know better and he got a stupid prize for his stupid game.
Please tell me where granola and muesli fit in the gendering of breakfast cereals. This keeps me up at night.